A day in the life

Topsey-Turvey

2010-02-25T08:22:00.000-08:00

The last few weeks have been rather exciting and thought provoking for me- and now I am left with making a really tough decision.

This story all began about 3 weeks ago, when I received an email in my work account from a group mailing list that I am a member. The email was notifying those of the group that there are two job openings at this prestigious West-Coast University. While, I work at a prestigious East-Coast University, things have not been exactly ideal for a while, and thought that I would submit my resume' for these positions, albeit as a "long shot".

What happened next has been quite remarkable:

Within a week of me submitting my resume', I received two anxious emails from the hiring officer, hoping to interview me for one of the positions. This position she wanted to interview me for, is, indeed, a great fit, based on my qualifications. So, with realizing this, I decided that i have to take the plunge and do a phone interview with this woman, and keep my options open.

As it turns out, we had the interview yesterday and it went REALLY well, and I am expecting to be invited out for a second interview within the next month or so. And, by all accounts, I WANT this job, and I am prepared to uproot my life to be able to do it.

While all this is exciting, it also leaves a pang in my heart, and second guessing my gut impulse. For starters, my beautiful, precious, amazing niece was born not even a week ago. With her arrival in the world, I am wondering how I will get to know her in any real capacity, being 3000 miles away.

Also, all my friends and family are here. My comfort is here. My job is stable, money is decent, and I have the social outlets I crave. I am wondering, at this point, if it is wise for me to just start over. Start anew. With no friends, family or even familiarity at my job to help as a cushion. The only thing I will have in my new location is my desire to be there, and my cat, Noel.

With that said, this makes me nervous and scared, but fear can't keep you from doing what you desire, right?

Sure, there will be times, if I take this job, that I will be lonely. And there will be a transition. But, right now, I am 33 and I have never taken a real risk in my life. Shouldn't it be now that I at least tried to? Also, how many opportunities does one get to move cross country with a job just waiting for them (of course this will be the case if I do get said job).

My stomach has been topsey-turvey since this has occurred, but not in a panic-I'm-making a mistake- way.. More like, this could be great and you have to give this a shot type of feeling.

So, while I have my doubts, I feel like my mind already knows what it needs to do, if the opportunity presents itself. I just hope I have the internal strength to follow-through!

The return of the Frenemie

2010-02-16T08:38:00.000-08:00

If you don't know what a Frenemie is, then you seriously need to catch up on your Sex and the City watching. But, for those of you who don't know, a Frenemie is a person that you used to be friends with-- in many cases one who was particularly close to you-- and for whatever reason, your friendship demised or faded.

My Frenemie I met many years ago, at a time when I first became immersed in the gay community. He, by all accounts, was hilarious, seemed smart and gave the illusion that he was a loyal, dependable friend.

As time grew on, however, these initial impressions, start to evolve into something more negative. There were countless lies I found this Frenemie wrapped up in, he was far more materialistic and fake that I could have ever imagined, and there were the countless times that I or one of his many minions would have to assist him with his poor finance capabilities.

Granted, no one is perfect, and with all relationships, you have to embrace the flaws as well as their "star qualities". Though, when there does come a time when you are dealing with more negative, unstable/unreliable behavior, you must ask yourself: Is this friendship really worth it?

That question came to me 6 years ago. I had just started Graduate school at night, while working all day, and within the first 3 weeks, 4 of my closest relatives were either diagnosed with some heinous illness or hospitalized. This resulted in me, at this point, needing a friend to rely on, and at that particular moment, I depended on my Frenemie.

My Frenemie wasn't compassionate, nor was even reachable. And when I finally reached him to talk, he told me "We all have our crosses to bear, and you need to get over it". Words. That. I. Will. Never. FORGET. This angered me, because at that point, I had lent this Frenemie 250.00 so he could go food shopping, and instead of using it for that, he bought an acoustic guitar. I was there for him the countless times another boy had dumped him mid-stream in their whirlwind romance, and more importantly, I was there for him, when his "better" friends were either ignoring him, or forgot who he was. And, oh, did I mention that he knowingly slept with a boy he knew I was in love with and agonized over my feelings for to him for nearly a year prior to him doing that?

I "forgave" for that, but still haven't gotten over the betrayal.

Inevitably, our friendship ended in the only way possible: In a dramatic, spectacular fashion. We both moved on. I finished graduate school, and sustained my other friendships while meeting new people. And, he, as far as I know sadly contracted an illness. However, that didn't stop him from dating countless boy toys, and sustaining his friends with those people who have superiority complex, and who are two-faced, backstabbers.

The puzzling thing about a Frenemie is that you never quite get over the demise of the friendship you have. If you have even the slightest bit of compassion, you are changed by that friends actions and are forever influenced by what happened in that relationship--whether you like it or not.

So, hearing that my Frenemie was moving back to town was interesting statement to hear. At first I felt shock, then laughter, then annoyance, and finally disinterest. The final concluding feeling came after I realized that we both have lives to live and we are both on different paths. And just because our values systems are completely different, and one persons values are more logical and stable than the other person, shouldn't be a reason to hold it against that person.

Rather, I should feel sorry for said Frenemie.

And, more importantly, why should one focus so much disdain on their Frenemie, when they have plenty of FRIENDS to garnish positive attention towards.

Saint Valentine THIS.

2010-02-15T10:48:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is really a emotionally crackable "holiday" for many people in this world. The "holiday", or more accurately: hallmark day, has a tendency to exclude and create an inferiority complex for many singletons.

I, among those singletons, use to have quite the disdain for St. Valentine. The "holiday", created great loneliness, and a feeling of isolation for me, all because I didn't have someone to be in "love" with me on the 14th of February-- while, it seemed, my friends did.

As I have gotten older, however, and I have matured, I realized that the problem isn't with Valentine's day at all. The problem lies in the people who believe that this one day can symbolize one's own self-worth, or with those that believe one day can make up for a whole year of neglect.

The reality is that most peoples' lives are in transition. And, just because you have someone in your life, doesn't mean you are any more special than someone else, or better, or even more figured out. The reality is that it just means that you are lucky. Is luck really reason to give a "holiday" to someone, and neglect others who seemingly are not?

Cupid might have struck his arrow at some, and completely missed me year after year. Or, perhaps, struck me with poison arrows. However, whether I have a lover or not, or whether I am privileged/lucky enough to celebrate Valentine's Day, it doesn't make me any greater/better/or less fucked up than the person that doesn't have anyone.

I have learned every one's path is different. Every one's road leads to a different destination, and along the way, your experiences will be different. Sometimes it will be difficult, and can lead you into a haze of mystery, greatness and inevitably disappointment. The no frills reality is that you may or may not get what you want in life, and you have to either get off the road or continue going. Hope and faith in something doesn't guarantee results, but if you allow bitterness and loneliness to take over, then you will probably be less likely to have a smooth ride on your highway of life.. So, what else can you do, but to embrace who are, and avoid things that exclude and look for more things that would appreciate you-- scars and all.

And no one needs a "holiday" to tell us that we stand out, cause most of the time, most of us feel like we already do.

Flowers In The Attic

2010-02-08T08:45:00.000-08:00

It is a pretty horrible scenario when you equate your job to horrible pop-culture references, but that is the state of affairs for me.

This story all begins one year prior to now. Last winter, there was a lot of chaos in my job, and a LOT of instability. This was in result of us, going to outside people for assistance regarding some injustices that have been occurring as a result of some people not pulling their weight.

What occurred after many months of not knowing if we would have jobs from one day to the next, as being told that this could be so by our superiors, was that the two who caused the most havoc, were given exit packages.

After nearly 9 months of torment, and uncertainty, things finally seemed to evolve. Sure, my boss and us have our issues with trusting one another, but in time, it would seem things would go back to normal--or at least it is how it seemed.

Sadly, it isn't the case. My superior, fueled by her own insecurity and controlling anxiety, met with a few of us to going over some protocols. Such as "Can't means Won't", "This is a democracy, but the buck stops with me (an oxy moron, if you will)", and using phrases like "insubordination and debating"

Basically, I left the meeting with impression that we are just suppose to say Yes to whatever she wanted--end of story. And anything that might seem like a differeing of opinion would be viewed as an attack.

This reminds me of some pop culture references, such as: Flowers in the Attic, and the Burning Bed. If you haven't seen either, you must, because they are both too fabulous not to see. But, the reality of these two stories is very real, and quite abusive situations for the victims. Farrah Fawcett, in the Burning Bed, is married to this Pr**k of a husband who beats her, plainly for sport. And during the movie she just takes it, with the hopes that it'll get better, like it used to be before he started beating her brains out.

And for the Flowers in the Attic, the mother basically abandoms her children and allows for them to be abused by their mentally ill grandmother, so she can go off and have a fabulous life without them.

These references I use, because that is what seems to be the case for me and my colleagues. We don't get any of the rewards from the fruit of our labors, and we keep hoping that while we are getting kicked when we are down, that things will still get better-- and refert back to the way were before--- when everything was "better".

At the end of both of these films, the "victims" became empowered. Farrah, with her heroine hairstyle, burned down her house, while her husband was sleeping in bed. And the Children in the Attic escaped their Grandmother's wrath, and moved to Florida, where there are constantly "flowers" in bloom.

The perplexing thing about being actively involved in any dysfunctional/abusive relationship is that, you never see outside of yourself, to know that things could be better. Instead, you keep hoping things will eventually get better where you are, and are far too afraid that if you do take the leap of faith, you will wind up in a worse place than you are currently.

The reality is that there are choices in life, despite at times, when you can be made to feel that there aren't. As a result, you need to make a stance. Either stay in the attic, or get beat to death by the bed, OR climb down the drain pipe to find a better pasture.

And I believe this is the time I go and find me some flowers. Otherwise, I might wind up burning that bed-- and I cannot rock being a prison bitch.

Reconnection

2010-02-03T12:44:00.000-08:00

Life lately has been extremely busy for me. Albeit, from the birthday that just passed. 33, I am now, and what a scary number it is to evoke out of your mouth. Wow!

Over the last few months, I have felt a disconnect with my really close friends. It is nothing that I or they did, but a result of life circumstances. Despite this being the case, it is tremendously difficult for someone, like myself, not to feel a little abandoned.

Granted, I realized that this was in result of my own insecurities and my own issues, but the feelings were there. So, I decided to refute this feeling by having a b-day dinner in my honor.

My very good friend decided he would volunteer to coordinate it for me, and it actually wound up being a great experience.

Though, even with the party, it didn't still evade the feelings I had about feeling this disconnect. These feelings only became more exasperated by certain close friends either cancelling the last minute, or not being able to make it all.

The one thing I have learned as I have gotten older, is that I am not the center of the universe. And because of this, sh*t happens and things just can't be as perfect as you envisioned. Admittedly, I am a work-in-progress when it comes to this realization.

It is with this admission, that I choose to not let the non-responsders, and cancellations, get to me. I tried to not take them too personally, and I actually allowed the events of the evening take me where they could-- which was to an extremely happy place.

And as a result, not only did I enjoy myself with those who came, those who didn't show, were able to do other things with me, to display to me that they truly cared for me.

While I am not, and may never be at the point of Self-Actualization in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, I am certainly on the road of being content with who I am and for me to realize this for myself, internally, that I am of value.

One day at a time.

Badge Of Courage

2009-12-21T08:45:00.000-08:00

This weekend proved to be one of challenges and overcoming insecurities.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, this weekend was filled with the biggest, gayest, party of the year, and I was on the invite list. Being overweight in the gay community is often far worse a life circumstance, than being accused of killing your first born. It is as if you have leprosy, and people are afraid if they associate with you, that, they, themselves, will catch the overweight disease.

Skeptical, and truly having a lackluster desire to be in this world, I still went anyway. I peeled myself off of my couch, climbed myself through 22 inches of falling snow, and walked the mile to the party.

As expected and with very little doubt, the party was crammed with people. Mainly filled with taken men, or with so beautiful of men, that you can find yourself stuttering to yourself just by looking at them.

Despite all this, I went there, I engaged in a few conversations, and assimilated myself into my gay culture.

I walked away, with no bruises, not harmed egos, and no hurt feelings. Sure, I wasn't the life of the party, but it certainly wasn't as bad as I perceived it would be.

Perhaps, I'll never fully meet the criteria for attraction in the gay community. But, you know, I am pretty sure, that I'll meet the criteria for some, and after going to this party, I am sure that this can happen. All I need to have is a little faith and be myself, and something will turn up.While I realize it isn't an easy task to do, it is one certainly manageable and one that I am ready to give a whirl again.

Gay Dynamics

2009-12-18T09:07:00.000-08:00

Let me preface this blog by saying, I love being gay. Being a homosexual is an extraordinary life experience. Sure, if you asked me when I was a teenager, would I have chosen this life path, I would have said no. However, after being out, and living my life as a gay male, I love my individuality.

But, with all great things, come great obstacles. For instance, I often feel like I am objectified. I feel like gay males, don't seem to care about your character as much as whether you have a big dick, bank account, and a tight body.

This weekend, I will be enduring this type of atmosphere once again. I have been invited to one of the biggest, gayest, parties of the year. Many gays we'll be there, speculating who has slept with you, who will be sleeping with who and who will be getting plastered.

There is a guarantee of their being plenty of alcohol, not enough food, and at least 30% of the people getting laid. I suppose I will be the lucky one, cause I know that most will judge me as too fat and not wealthy enough to entertain.

Yet, when you are in that kind of environment, the last thing you want is not to fit in. Sure, on the surface, you should feel good that you are above it. However, it is like in High School, no matter how much you hate the cool people, you still want to be invited to eat lunch with them at their table at least for one day. Not so much to be a part of the crowd, as much as it to see what it would be like to be them, just for a moment.

So, while I will bitch about the antics that will be occurring at said party, there is a part of me that will like to relish in the thought that maybe I'll be lucky enough to have a taste of it.

And if that doesn't happen, at least there will be plenty of alcohol to suppress the inner desire-- if only for the night..

Life Of A Lone Superstar

2009-12-17T07:47:00.000-08:00

My entire life I have had this inner feeling that I was meant for greatness. It started when I was about 7 years old, and I remember living in my lower-class city neighborhood, and KNEW that I wasn't meant to live the life that I was exposed to.

I always thought I felt this disconnect because I wanted to get a higher education. I wanted to go to College, and get a degree. From the time since I was in the womb, my Mother always instilled in me and later my brother the importance of college and how it was important to go and become successful. While, my brother never adjusted to the idea of college or school, I did. As a result, I excelled in academia, went onto college, graduated, went to graduate school at an IVY league university, graduated, and believed I have achieved this greatness of destiny.

I was wrong. After completing graduate school, and finally proving to myself that I am intelligent (a inner insecurity I had inside myself since I was in grade school), I still felt empty. I began and still continue to feel incomplete. I feel that there is more out there for me and I have begun to think I have been suffocating my soul by ignoring this urge.

When I was in 6Th grade, we had an assignment. The assignment was simple: write a paper about what you want to be someday. I thought about the assignment, and decided that I wanted to be an actor. My Mom, while didn't discourage me from this aspiration, told me that I should get a higher education first, just in case that dream didn't pan out. For whatever reason, in my psyche, I took this to mean to not do it. So, instead, I wrote a paper about wanting to be a teacher.

While I got a B+ on the paper (albeit, since the emotion behind the paper wasn't authentic), I continue down this quest. I went to college, got a degree in a safe field and now work in this said safe field. I garnered a safe job ( a very good one in fact), and did all the *right* things with my life. Yet, the calling, the feeling, the desire, still echoes in the back of my brain.

The irony to this is that I am stale Television watcher. I watch the same shows over and over. Yet, when I do watch them, I envision myself in that world, what I could bring to the table, and how at home I would feel there.

I love to make people laugh, I love to see the reaction of pleasure on their faces, I love to know that I am giving them a joy that most cannot fulfill for them in their daily lives.. Yet, I have been afraid to embrace my desire. I have been afraid the light of it would be to0 glaring for my eyes and most of all, afraid of failing.

Until now. This new year will bring more to me. Will bring more to my psyche and I will become more fulfilled. I will get exposed to the calling, and with any luck and with time and practice, the emptiness I have been ignoring will fade... forever.

Size Does Matter

2009-12-16T07:01:00.000-08:00

The struggle with my waistline started later in life. I woke up one day, when I was a senior in College to find that my metabolism lapped into a severe coma. Undoubtedly from the years of abuse I subjected it to during my adolescent and teenage years.

After College, I went on a diet, and did a exercise routine consisting of yoga and tae-bo, and lost a great deal of weight-- about 30 lbs. Newly, immersing myself into my gay community, losing this weight did help with my social life. I met some really nice boys, went out and party like any early 20 something should do, and embraced my new size and me.

Then, I met a boy. We had a tumultuous relationship to say the least, that ended very badly and caused me to be cynical, eat my emotions and cocoon myself by entering myself into a graduate school program.

Graduate school, caused me to eat more of my emotions (albeit from the mounds of schoolwork coupled with my regular job work-load), and, by the end of my tenor in graduate school, I gained the 30lbs I lost with another 20 to boot.

So, what did I do? I looked into the mirror and decided I had enough of what I was seeing, and started working out-- HARD. I ran 8 miles every other day, and before I knew it, I was back in my *skinny* jeans.

Then, it happened again. I met a boy, fell hard, it ended badly, and I put back on a good portion (not all the weight), I worked so hard to loose.

Most would recognize this as a pattern; I recognize this behavior as "protection". I often protect myself by sabotaging me.

Having a fat layer, deters people, I find from being attracted to me. Which in the end, prevents me from getting involved, which ultimately prevents me from getting hurt. The rationalization I know is ridiculous, but for some reason, being thinner makes me vulnerable..

So, what now? I am going to venture into being vulnerable once again. I just hope that this time, when I do, I don't pay the same price as I have before.

Envy

2009-12-15T07:50:00.000-08:00

Envy is an old and detrimental friend of mine. It has visited throughout my entire life. When I was a child I always envied those who had more, or were more popular, or were better looking. Envy has been condition that I have always had, and never understood why I have it, and seems to be something I could never shake-- no matter how hard I have tried.

Once again, Envy has made a visit to me. I am sure my old friend will be staying with me throughout the holidays. Enough time for me to look at my life, look at others, and feel somewhat disdain at the disparity between them.

When I came out of the closet, I thought my life filled with Envy was over. I thought I finally overcame this friendship I had with it, since I no longer had to be compared to my straight friends' lives. This prove not to be the case.

I have seen so many of my gay friends in and out of relationships. Some are in it for the long hall, while others date someone every other week. I have seen some of my gay friends toss me aside for their lovers, and remember who I was after the relationship ran its course.

All the while, as these friends have done this to me, the only emotion I have felt was Envy. Not anger, disappointment or sadness, but Envy. Envy for how easily they find someone. Envy for how their lives seem to take off easier than mine. Envy for how they can meet people, or garner interest from men so easily, and envy for how easily when things don't workout they find someone new.

I know it is a sin to have Envy. I know that is wrong. I realize that I shouldn't feel the way that I do. But I do. I know I should be more supportive and be a better person, but at this moment, I simply can't.

All I can do is invite Envy in to my house, pour it a cup of tea, and catch up with my dear old friend.

It's Just a Little Cursh

2009-12-11T07:04:00.001-08:00

There is always something about a crush that makes your day brighter. Whether the person likes your back or not--which, in my experience, is usually not-- there is something about when you think of someone, that gives you those magic butterflies.

Crushes for me, are like surprise parties: you never anticipate them occurring, but when they do, you got a jolt of adrenaline that could elevate you to cloud 9.

So, I have a crush. One that is rather unexpected, as the formula works for me. I don't know the person all that well, but when I think about him, I smile and I know that I have an attraction.

The lucky boy seems sweet enough, smart and definitely handsome. I can't really speak to his personality all that well, since we have had maybe 5 conversations since I known him and usually not directly. However, whenever he does speak, I become starry eye and melt to the sound of his voice.

I don't like confessing crushes, because it often burst that bubble you have on the guy you do, when/if they don't reciprocate the feelings. I much rather enjoy seeing them on this pedestal and think only the best things about them. I often think of my crushes as crusades. They always do the right thing and they have no hang-ups, whatsoever-- and-- oh, did I mention they have an undying love and devotion to me.

Perhaps, it is an unrealistic, but it is a crush and to me a crush is filled with fantasy. And while I have this crush on this *special* guy, I'll day dream about him however I want :)

The Morning After

2009-12-10T07:54:00.001-08:00

There is always something about holiday parties and alcohol, that make you looser than you ordinarily would be. Perhaps, because the alcohol is free, or maybe it is the time of year when we all start to reflect on our lives. Or, maybe, it is the one opportunity where you get to be in one room with a bunch of people you know all at once.

Whatever, the reason, I always fall victim to the holiday party excitement and with it, the regrets. I'm always having too much fun at them and as a result of that, waking up filled with regret.

Though, this party I went to yesterday wasn't my worse scene at a party, it certainly wasn't what I call a proud moment. I gossiped endlessly, talked about myself incessantly (and revealed far too personal of information), and i managed to insult a few people with my honesty-- of course all in good fun and unintentionally.

Regardless, antics were played, and fun was to be had. However, I always wonder why I fall victim. I always have too much or no fun at all. There is no middle ground for me in social settings. I wonder if there were, would I be more or less entertaining than I am right now.

I have no doubt as the holidays approach there will be more situations like this and more regrets to be had that my psyche will have to endure. But for the time being, I'll just choke up yesterday's incident one of great fun and of isolation.

Denial can be so good to you, if you know how to use it wisely.

Defying Gravity

2009-12-09T10:40:00.001-08:00

It has been some time since I last posted to a blog. A lot has changed in my life since I last decided to express myself in a public forum. For starters, I am done with Grad. School, I am done being hung up on "X" guy, and I can actually say that I am in a better place than I was the last time I wrote (I am sure the anti-depressants have helped with all the formers).

What I have noticed the most, however, after perusing these prior blogs is that I feel I am not as co-dependent as I used to be. Looking back, I guess I noticed how out of control I felt my life was, and how incomplete it was because others lives seem to be progressing a lot more than my own.

I can't say that I still don't have those hang-ups from time to time, but I am just amazed now how different I am from the person I was; which feels like a life time ago, has only been a couple of years.

Although I am a little thicker around the mid-section and maybe don't have the baby face I once had. I feel more empowered. Perhaps, the weight is a protective layer that I use to disarm people or to prevent from getting hurt (still working out the kinks on that). I truly feel more at peace.

And while my brother and friends' lives are truly going upward and onward, I no longer feel left behind, because mine isn't going at the same rate. I don't do comparison shopping the way I once did.

There is this song that I have found that has identified my emotion currently from Wicked called: Defying Gravity. The words to the song make me feel a close affiliation to it. Because for the first time, since I can remember, I am defying gravity, through my ability to be content with who I am-- flaws and all.

The Progression

2007-01-01T16:29:00.000-08:00

Its hard to imagine that another year has gone by. Each time that I have thought about the 12 months that was 2006, I can't get over how much had occurred during that time.

However,above all the things that have occurred to me in 2006, there are 2 that top all the others, because they have made me realized how much my life as truly progressed during this past year.

One of the things that has happened to me is that I FINALLY finished Graduate School. Its hard to believe that it occurred, because I felt for so long that it was never going to happen. Each time I think about getting my master's degree, it makes me feel very happy that I accomplish this hurdle, and makes me think now, that a year ago how terribly stressed I was about going to school and how that burden has been alleviated in my life.

The second thing is that I have met someone. A very decent, smart, caring guy. We have been dating for a few months and it appears to be going well for the most part. Considering a year ago I wrote an entry about feeling of "the disconnect" that I have about where my life was in comparison to the people I have in my life-- this has made me feel like things are finally going my way.

However, as with all great things that come, there are other challenges that come your way.

This year one of the obstacles is the prospect that I may have to move into a new place. The thought of moving out of the place I have lived in for 5 years just depresses me and makes me so sad about how I may never find the deal that I have acquired through renting this apartment. I realize at some point, I would need to progress to another home. However, when you are doing it because you have to, and not because you want to, it does put a dramatic cover over your head. Although I am trying to do this in stride, I know I must keep in perspective about the situation and just be dutiful about how to make it work.

The second big thing is actually a side effect of one the big things that has happened in my life-- my new relationship. I am starting to learn really how much work relationships involve and how fragile they are and how important it is to think of not only the other person in your life, but think of how you wanted to be treated in the relationship AND what you need to get out of it yourself.

Its hard to think of yourself above another person in these situations, and I am realizing how hard to get it is to get across to someone what you need from them. More importantly, though, I know I need to get this information across soon, otherwise it could damage any progress you could hope to accomplish together.

Beyond all these things, though, I have begun to realize whatever obstacles you have in your life, if you can persevere and keep up with your eye on the prize, you might just get what you want..

The Holiday Buzz

2006-12-23T18:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight was interesting evening involving the holiday season.

My Mom had her annual gathering of her relatives at her house, for good food and hopefully to inspire people to have good moods.

I said inspire, because it never ceases to amaze me how awkward family get togethers can be for families--especially my Mother's family. Of course, there are a multitude of reasons why they seem to never to be as comfortable as they should be, but there isn't enough space on this blog for me to elaborate about it.

That said, however, I have to say that the gathering at my Mother's house this year was actually a lot of fun. Of course there were times I had sarcastic remarks to make (just because that is my nature). However, I only expressed these things to my best friend, because she was there and because I knew she understood.

These items of sarcasm included: seeing a video of my cousin skydiving, my Step Father insisting showing the family a DVD of our most recent trip to Disney World, my uncle showing a clip of a Christmas museum that he wants "all the family to "attend", and not mention my Aunt's 3 year old grandson screaming the whole time-- it was actually not bad.

Except for my one uncle. My one uncle who is at best 300 lbs. comes into my Mom's house and the first thing he says to me is that "you have put on weight, you look like your Dad." Granted, I have grown used to the idea of hearing that I look like my father, but generally speaking, this was at best was meant to be something that was suppose to get to me.

Then my uncle proceeded to ride my ass about how a recent e-mail I sent to him included not misspelled words, but incorrect words (i.e., wholes instead of holes, hire instead of higher)-- which by the way Microsoft spellcheck changed and I hit replace all without paying attention.

After he felt to highlight this to me, he then went onto to ask me how to spell frugal because he was listening in on a conversation between me and my best friend.

Finally, my Uncle, before he left decided to give me some "wisdom" on his way out the door. He told me that because I was overweight, it causes jeans to create holes in the crotch area of the pants and it wasn't merchandiser's fault for my crappy pants, but my own for being overweight.

I won't deny to you that I have put on weight. However, in the last 6 months, I have actually stop gaining weight and have leveled off, in result of going to the gym. I am proud of this achievement and I am happy to say that I weigh 206 lbs, because I finally am not gaining weight, and hopefully soon i will no longer be in this weigth-class.

However, beyond that and beyond my own goals to lose weight. I think it was awful of him to point out something that was truly meant to make me feel bad. We all have a tendency to say hurtful things unintentionally-- perhaps once to someone an evening-- but saying other remarks 3 additional times in one night, makes me wonder WHY he was so focused on my own faults.

I can't pretend that my weight doesn't bother me and I can't pretend his remarks won't stay with me as I am trying to lose this weight. However, I feel it really goes over the line to point out someones flaws again and again.

Then again, I only see him once a year so he might feel the need to get his digs in.

Besides that, why should I really care about his opinion when I barely see him?

Though, it does bother me. Am I wrong to feel this way?

Yes Waiter, I will have the Aggravation, Frustration and a Side of Irritation

2006-12-19T19:50:00.000-08:00

I can't help it lately everyone, I have been in an funk. And I am not sure why I feel so blue.

I guess there are a few reasons and I will share them with you now.

Reason # 1:

Lately, I have been reading certain writings from a person I used to know. While in the general sense, I shouldn't care what this person does, says, or otherwise chooses to do with their life-- it does irritate me when this person say or does things in a way that makes them feel like a martyr in every situation. This is especially true, when I find that they have stolen an idea of mine that I casually shared with them on the street, and decide to guise under the pretense that it was their own idea.

What idea you may ask.

Well, I will be happy to tell you. I went back to Graduate School at an IVY league university 3 years ago to get my degree. I went with the intention to learn how to run a non-profit organization. While I would like to share what type of non-profit with you online, I am afraid those who originally stole my goal, might also steal my well-planned ideas. Of course knowing that this idea would not be able to be done with the previous education I had, I went back to school to get the tools I needed to make this happen. Granted, I will tell you that I am about 10 years away from making this happen, but aren't your dreams suppose to be planned out for the long-term if you want for them to succeed?

Enter stealer of thoughts.

After I ran into said person on the street, this person posted on their profile how they "wanted to open a non-profit." Much to my dismay and irritation, I tried to ignore this for many months. However, lately, I have become bugged this person who has no advanced education, who has not one day done one thing that has benefited no one other than himself, has proclaimed now to be the gay mother theresa of the gay community.

My irritation runs deep with this, and you know it shouldn't. I know I should feel happy that someone jump onto my idea to do something more with their lives. However, because I knew this person and know that they haven't changed one bit since I knew them as a friend, I truly know that this person is more about the glory than the effort. This person has completely negated any type of education that it would be required to do something like a non-profit and although has yet to do something with their idea-- has really put a sour taste in my mouth, because I feel by them posing this as their vision takes away from the effort, hard work and dedication I have had with trying to get my dreams accomplished.

You don't just blink your eyes and boom something happens, and this person doesn't even care to know what type of work you have to do to get to the goal of creating a non-profit.. All they care about is the attention it will give to them. And that to me just diminishes any work other people like myself are doing to make a difference.

Again, though, I should let it go.

Reason #2.

Two people I use to know--who are also gay-- got engaged recently. The engagement isn't what bothers me, its how these supposed "friends" bothered to tell me. One of the pair IMs me to basically brag about their engagement. Please keep in mind as I am telling you this that this couple has invited every other person I know to their parties and have neglected to extend the same courtesy to me. They both have these exclusive circle of people and if you are their flavor at that moment, then you are in--if not you're out (think jelly of the month club). So while I am happy that two people who are gay found happiness in each other, I really am not altogether happy for them.

I don't wish them any ill well, but I feel when someone only wants to speak with you online for 30 seconds to brag about how they got engaged and then immediately signs off when they ask how you are doing because "their laptop battery is dying," isn't someone I feel the strong need to give a shit about. These people are rude, nasty, stuck-up-shit for brain people. No one needs these type of people to plague their live--least of all me-- so while I can't be happy for them, I certainly can block them from seeing me online.

Reason # 3

This man that I have been dating for 2 months has started to really bother me right around the time I am starting to grow some feelings for him. Its an impossible situation for me to find something that feels right in the romantic context. Since we have begun dating, this guy and I have text each or spoken via phone every, single, day-- until yesterday and today that is. This man suddenly decides to not talk to me, and when I called him yesterday to talk to him about it, he tells me that he has food poisoning. He said that "he got my messages, but was too sick to respond."

So, I see, your well enough to care to see who is writing you, but you are too sick to give a crap that is me. Oh, did I mention that he has been telling me his Dad is in ICU and of course when I didn't hear from him, thought his Dad was perhaps dead? You would think when you date someone and you spend most of your time talking about how fearful you are over your father's health, that the one day you would not talk to them they would at least convey the message: "hey, I am sick, will talk to you later." But, no, apparently that is too much to ask of someone apparently.

In addition, I feel like I am the one who is constantly being the first one communicating with him, and the one who is arranging all our dates. I am tired of feeling this way. I am often the planner with getting together with my friends and I don't want to translate that into my relationship. Why must I be the one to convey something to someone? Must be the planner of everything? It has to be equal for me.. if it isn't, I got to bail.. I am just so tired of feeling like I am running in circles.

I guess these are just a few of my reasons. I am starting to let these things affect my spirit, and I am starting to believe the only factors in life are if you have money, and if you are an asshole to everyone, and to make yourself a pusher and NOT a pushee. Heaven forbid if you are nice person or try to be nice to others, because really all they do is shit on you.

Its been a really difficult time for me lately, I feel like I have been nothing but pushed around and I don't know how much longer I can take being someones punching bag. I'm not perfect, but I am not evil. So, why do I feel like I am being treated like the shit people push underneath a rug?

Despite feeling this way, I am starting to care less and less about things and I don't know how to make that stop. I think that scares me the most, the lack of concern I have for it all. While I am aggravated, frustrated and irritated, the bottom line is I feel like I am cocooning into this shell and some days, I feel like I never want to come out of it.

The Weight Of The World

2006-12-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

The State of the world has really begun to concern me. Especially, the feelings America's youth is facing these days. With all the pressures to succeed in society and be the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect lover, the perfect everything-- it really creates a receipe for an impossible feast.

With all these school shootings, suicides, people on anti-depressents, getting gastric- bypasses, facelifts, tummy tucks, etc. I can help but wonder what happened to individuality and feeling that you are enough?

The latest issue that has occurred that has made me question how we, as people, are in society, comes as a result of yet another school shooting that has occurred in my area. A teenage boy stole his father's gun, left his house, went into the school and killed himself.

All because his grades weren't up to par.

This young man was an Eagle Scout, a volunteer fireman, and was on various other committees at his school. Yet, because he had one bad report card period and his parents told him to shape up his grades or he will have to pull back on his extra curricular activities, he made a decision to take his own life.

It makes you wonder if this young man was so desparate to end his own life based on such a small situation, who else could be out there on the same fence, feeling the same emotions this boy had?

There is no doubt that as a teenager or even as an adult you feel desparate at times. You feel that NO ONE knows or even cares (at times) to know of what you are going through. And that even going through your normal day can feel like an impossible task.

It just makes me sad when someone takes the option behind door# 2 that ends not only those terrible feelings, but fails to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

When I was a child there were so many times that I felt like an outcast with the people around me. As a result, I would try to connect with people with my personality (I still do this, actually), and would overachieve in school, just to get positive praise and attention from my family.

And when I wasn't successful at either one of those things, I have to say that I felt my world was over.

Fortunantely, for me though, I kept going. I don't know how or even why, but I did. It certainly isn't easy to wake up and have a bay day or to feel sad, or feel like a failure, even. I just wish that people would talk more about how these are normal emotions to have and to give someone the guidance that they will get better.

You can't read minds or hearts, and you just don't know what someone else is thinking/feeling. And you certainly can't tell if or when someone would be willing to do something so drastic to themselves--even if they are your friend.

It just makes me incredibly sad to see a promising person, who had so much ahead of them in life, cut their life short over a minor situation.

Of course, wih me saying this, I realize it wasn't so minor, but I just wish society talked more about how it is normal to feel many of the emotions this young man had felt.

How can this be done?

What Do You When.....

2006-12-08T20:28:00.000-08:00

You don't want to hurt someones feelings, but you also don't want to do something out of obligation?

Goodness Gracious! Its not even Christmas and I am ALREADY thinking about my birthday at the end of January.

In case you didn't know, each year I organize a birthday dinner, in my honor. To this dinner, I invite all my friends and a select few from my family. Its a blast!

Anyway, I don't EVEN know how this subject evolved, but the question of whether I would invite a certain coworker of mine to my b-day dinner came up today.

Here is where the problem lies:

I am very friendly with a good portion of my coworkers, and these people do indeed work with this other person that my friend, who is also my coworker, was asking me about. However, this person would be described--at best-- as socially awkward.

This obviously makes me feel at a crossroads on what to do. There is the one side of me who doesn't want to hurt the feelings of one of the coworkers that I eat lunch with, while I invite the other two. And then there is this feeling that keeps coming into my head about how this person will come, say something rather obnoxious or what would be considered rude (of course not on purpose), and create some hidden tension at the table.

I am not particularly close to this coworker, but I don't HATE him either. My friend said that I should just invite him, because she doubts he will go AND if he does, then she will babysit him.

That's all fine and good, I guess... But I can't help feeling that why should I invite someone to my own 30Th b-day dinner, that I would rather not be there overall? Again, I realize it sounds cruel, but if its my night I feel I shouldn't have to worry about the reactions of my friends in the room about what this person might say--which,again, I think, is unpredictable.

I certainly don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want to put my two friends in a potentially awkward position. However, I really feel that this person will come off as "bizarre" to my other friends who have had zero interaction with him up to this point--which I believe could cause his feelings to be hurt inadvertently.

Perhaps I am obsessing about an non-issue.. But this constantly happens to me. I am always in these situations that I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Honestly, I am cringing in horror of what this person can be like at my dinner ( did I mention he doesn't drink or watch television and has this rude habit of cutting everyone off during conversations?) and just seeing what type of reaction that could evolve from his presence.

I feel if anyone is going to be obnoxious at my dinner, it should be me... I feel I shouldn't have to worry about the actions of someone else on my special day. Furthermore, I really rather not feel like I have to explain someones bizarre behavior to 20 of my friends before my own dinner.

Its very early in the game to be thinking about my b-day, but I have to see this person everyday and I rather not have to deal with any awkwardness at work from my decision.

Am I a horrible person for feeling this way?

HELP!!!

**Calling out for Tab's advice on this one.. You have interacted with this person, and I know can provide me with some good insight on the situation**

Boycott the Gap, and I hate those Bath Fitter Commercials

2006-12-05T07:50:00.000-08:00

Today this blog is only going to express grievances I have with coporate america.

My first issue is with the gap. If you are someone who is in the same age bracket as I am, you grew up feeling that the gap was not only the epitome of cool, it was a store where you got great clothing from. However, I feel that those days are gone and here is why:

9 months ago I purchased 4 pairs of jeans from them, only to find currently they all have tears in the crotch area of my pants. Before you ask, I got the correct size for my body, etc. I am so unbelievably frustrated not only because I am out 200.00, but because the gap customer service has been less than forthcoming with giving me a response other than an automated message. I am so frustrated by the lack of effort by the gap to produce a high quality of clothing-- eventhough they spiked up their prices for them, and by how their customer service/marketing/public relations team seemingly doesn't care enough to accomodate a loyal customer, such as myself, when they express a grievance with their products.

Bottom Line: Avoid the gap.. Unlesss you have nothing better to do than to burn a big pile of money.

Now onto those stupid-ass bath fitter commercials.

In case you don't know who bath fitter is. Its a company in my area that replaces your tub, by not removing it, but by putting a newer cover over it. In other words, it gives your bathroom a face lift.

I HATE them, not because they prodcue a poor product-- I have no idea if they do or not because I never used them. I despise them because they have the WORSE commercials in history and they always come on at a time when I am about to get out of bed in the morning.

Example #1: Women looks at her tub.. and SCREAMS in horror. Imagine just waking up and having to deal with that commercial.. Every, single, day.. And just so you know the woman's shreek is like nails to a chalkboard.

Example #2, 3, 4: They have managed to create a "jingle" for their commericals. This jingle is sung by people who are faux opera singers, frank sinatras, and a fake banjo group--thats right a faux banjo group. In addition to the awful replication of familiar types of singers/genres/groups, they are singing the worse song in history.

The jingle goes something like this:

Rub a Dub a Dub,
You have grout in your tub,
And you won't find a price that fits,
Call Bath Fitter,
We're the perfect fit.

I'm sorry but anything that starts with Rub a Dub Dub sung in any voice--especailly in a faux operatic voice, should be grounds for their commercials to be censored.

They seriously need a new marketing team.

Am I alone in this assessment?

Resisting The Impulse

2006-11-30T06:35:00.000-08:00

You advice is requested and needed..

So, here is the situation. About 2 months ago I met a guy. He is a nice guy. He treats me well, very attentive and very smart. He loves animals (as do I), and when we are together we have a great time. Although he is slightly older than I am, I never think about that when we are together and I never think all the negative things that could occur when you put yourself out there when you are dating someone.

However, since we began dating his father has been very ill. He has been in and out of the hospital with serious medical aliments. Of course, because of this crisis, it has really put a strain on the time that we actually spend together. Because we have only been dating for a short period of time, it has made it even more difficult to get to know one other.

Since I have so many bad dating outcomes, I, of course, am very protective over my heart. At this moment, I don't question the vailidity of his issues, but I can't help but to wonder whether we will actually be able to spend the needed time together required to make this work.

We spoke on the phone last night and both of us have definied our situation as dating and we both feel at this point we are still dating one another, and I feel are committed to make this work. He even said that he has "amazing" taste in men, which, of course, made my heart do a little pitter-pat.

He is a genuine person, I believe. However, I can't be sure of this. I can't be sure that this will work, and I cannot be sure that we will be able to truly get to know one another.

Its no secret that I have trust issues with dating.. But how can I ignore the impulse I have that is saying "run before you get hurt," and really take the chance of being with someone special?

HELP!!

Metropolitan Village

2006-11-26T18:03:00.000-08:00

So, here is a slight preview into my life.

Almost 6 years ago a friend of mine left Philadelphia for this great job opportunity in Tokyo. As a result, because I needed a place to move into at the time, took over the lease to his apt.

Since my time here I have grown accustomed to where I live and have enjoyed the conveince of living in a downtown area. Although, I must say my apt. isn't perfect-- for instance, I have this annoying fly in my apt. that has been haunting me all weekend that I can't seem to kill and won't die-- I have really enjoyed the cheap price of my place and the large living space that I have.

Fast forward to the 26th of October of 2006, where I receive a letter from my landlord telling me that he may sell the properties that he has as rental properties (he owns three different ones on my block).

Here is the problem: Everything in my particular area has been going condo-- and I mean everything. Parking lots have been torn down, abandon building and old style brownstones. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is being reserved for renters.

To add insult to injury, they have renamed my area to "Metropolitan Village". The area that I have live(d) in 5 and 1/2 years prior was name Washington West.

Its bugs me that this name transformation has occurred.

Of COURSE, they would need to change the name to make it sound more appealing to all the new condo owners that are potentially evicting me and other renters to move into an area that was pretty great to live in prior to their arrival.

I am sad for myself, because I know that if I move I won't have the steal that I have now, AND I am angry that people have come in, changed my area to make it more appealing, and I probably won't have the benefit of actually being able to stay here to enjoy it.

I am all about gentrification. However, I really don't see why renters have to move and I don't see WHY the name of my area needed to change. My aspirations, now that I am done grad. school is to become a city planner. However, I can't help but to be pretty sad over the fact that I may never reep the benefits of living in area that has been completely transformed.

Maybe I am a little bitter.. But I really have a great lease here and I will be sad if I have to give that up!!

Stay tuned to find out what happens..

Kelly, Clay and Rosie.. Someone needs to put a hand over all of their mouths

2006-11-21T15:57:00.000-08:00

Goodness Gracious! The controversey that is brewing from a stupid gesture that was done on Clay Aiken's behalf.

In case you missed it... Clay Aiken this past Friday co-hosted with Kelly Ripa. Apparently there was one part of the show, when Kelly wouldn't let him speak, that he covered her mouth-- probably half joking and half serious-- to get in some words.

Fast Forward to yesterday, when Ripa spent (and I saw this episode and this moment) about 5 minutes discussing how rude it was of Clay to do what he did, and how upset she was by it.. Blah, blah, blah..

Anyway (and I saw this too), today, Rosie and the rest of her co-host spoke on the view about it and showed this now infamous clip.. Rosie said that she felt Ripa's comment after Aiken covered her mouth of: "No, no, no, I don't know where you hand has been honey," came off as homophobic.

Additionally, Ripa called in and defended herself and said that it was more about disrespect and NOT about sexuality. Rosie combatted her response by saying "that is how it looked to me as a gay woman".

The segment between Ripa and O'Donnell about the debate of Aiken's action on Ripa's show was about 10 minutes-- no kidding.

I just find the whole thing is ridiculous. Its time to get real here and all of these people need to get a grip.

Aiken shouldn't have done it.. Although, I am sure, it wasn't intentionally disrespectful. He should have thought about his actions. It was stupid of him and he is socially retarded-- we all see that--- so he should have never agreed to do that. He should apologize to Ripa for his actions....

HOWEVER, so should Ripa. You just don't go on the air that Monday, Kelly Ripa, knowing that you are a celebrity and that your show is watched all over the states and spend 5 minutes chastising his actions on the show. Get real. You should have been an adult as well and addressed the situation backstage. I mean, you're pissed.. I got that, but really, as a celebrity, you should know by now, that whatever you say, you MUST know that it will be critiqued and analyzed by anyone. It was unprofessional on her part to use her show's platform, to air her personal griveances.

Now, onto Rosie. Ripa's comments are no where near an indication of her being homophobic. Not at all!!! I am a gay male. . I would know if it was viewed that way. Rosie, Ripa was correct that everything that is said isn't an indication that she hates gays.. Re-evaluate your actions when you speak.. As with Ripa, you need to know the power of your own voice.

The bottom line is that EVERYONE is making a mountain out of a mole hill. Just insane that these people have nothing else to worry about other than dealing with such a small thing. They all need to get a grip and get off their high horses..

Everyone it was just a hand... Really.. Grow up!

Does the Rose really exist?

2006-11-20T15:46:00.000-08:00

I hate being pissed off. Especially when it involves men.

It seems that everytime I meet a guy that involves a romantic connection, I tend to forget about all those duds and hapless situations that occurred before this person enters my life-- and by the time I remember-- the guy I am currently seeing is doing the same things that piss me off in previous situations.

It just seems so incredibly un-fucking fair that I go through this merry go-round when it comes to my life.

The pattern is the same, but the only difference is that the co-lead characters change.

The dating starts out the same. I meet a seemingly nice guy, we hang out and have a good time, we talk, and then-- out of the blue-- something happens.

Less of a commitment on his side.. More work being done by me and in the end all that I am left with is wondering how did it all go wrong.

I am so fucking, fucking, fucking, FUCKING tired of it. Why can't I just accept that men suck, and that whenever I feel like something is going my way romantically, I should just KNOW that this is the sign of the end.

I read in a book once that the idea of everyone having a true love is total bullshit. And I use to think that this author was crazy.. However, considering that I can't even get commitments for people to hang out with me, maybe their theory isn't so far-fetched.

I realize that life isn't fair and more importantly I am not guaranteed anything. I have really taken steps back romantically to approach the dating life with a new sense of direction.

To be honest though, I am getting sick of it. I am getting sick of it all. Just unfair. I am tired of men being the cowards that they are, and I am tired of feeling like I am left out to dry..

FUCK MEN AND FUCK ROMANCE--- there I said the words I have always wanted to say for the longest time but were too afraid to do..

Maybe Bette Midler's song the rose had a point.. "Some Say Love is for the Lucky and the Strong".. maybe I am neither one of those..

But I know this much, I am done with it.... My life may not never be complete, but at least it isn't going to piling up a collection of romantic dissappointments.

Torn

2006-11-17T07:35:00.000-08:00

Why is it that everyting in your social calendar occurs with the same three days, weeks, or months?

Right now I am slightly torn on what I should do for a friend, and what I really want ot do with my other set of friends.

I have a freind who is getting married in June. She is a wonderful person and I have known her since my freshman year of highschool. This friend has helped me through some really difficult times. I treasure our times together, and she has never asked me to do anything for her upcoming wedding-- except help her with her bridal registry. Now, if you were to know me or even look at me, you would know that THIS is not something anyone would think I would be good at assisting with these type of situations. However, I think she isn't asking me to go for my advice on dishes as much as she wants for me to be a part of something for her.... which makes saying no all the more difficult.

Now, here is where the problem lies. I was invited out this evening with another set of my really good friends. People who I enjoy on a daily basis, to a evening at a local bar to play Quizzo. I really want to hang out with them, because I know I will be laughing all evening and relaxed and there is always the potential that I could win something..

I feel so torn over what I want to do versus knowing what I should do.

It just seems so unfair, and quite frankly I am hopping mad about these situations. I don't understand why ones social calendar could be blank for months-- to the point you are desparate to do anything-- and with an instant you have so many obligations/social events you have no idea how to prioritize them.

I guess I could never have anything to do, and that would totally suck. I just feel like though when you are torn like this, you are always disappointing someone.. Furthermore, you always feel like you are doing the one thing you feel obligated to do, instead of doing what you really want..

What's a boy to do?

Destination Nowhere

2006-10-19T07:22:00.000-07:00

I have been dating quite a bit lately. Actually, I have probably not have had this busy of a dating life in about 6-8 months.

This time around I have met some really great guys. To be honest, I really should feel lucky that I have met men who are so attentive-- phone calls, e-mails to see how I am doing. Taking me to dinner, etc.

Still, though, I haven't really been feeling the whole dating vibe. No butterflies, no excitement, and certainly-- and this is new for me-- no expecations.

Over the last month and half or so, I have begun to have lower and lower expectations of situations and especially with people. This isn't an entirely new behavior for me. In the past, I have gone into slumps where I just don't care about anything up to including getting out of bed and/or showering.

However, this isn't necessarily a sad emotion (or maybe it is and I just have gotten used to feeling this way), but rather just a feeling of "Que Sera," whatever will be will be. I just have been finding it mentally exhausitng to think about where I am going, who I am going to be with, how long it will take meet to X goal, and especially the most important thought of all, what will the love of my life will be like and when will I meet him.

I am someone who always works in windows. A lot of my friends have called me out on it. While this behavior is good to have when organizing events, its not quite as effective when trying to organize the emotional aspects to your life.

Maybe I have come to realize, somewhat subconsciously, to put certain things in its place. And to just appreciate the moment and letting things come as they may. Even when it seems that I don't know where I am going or when I will end up there.

Stop Using "Being Gay" as an Excuse for Terrible Behavior!!!!

2006-10-05T10:40:00.000-07:00

If it hasn't been blatantly obvious to any readers of my blog that I am gay by now-- please remove the wool you clearly must have over your eyes.

So, yes, I am gay. Yes, I haven't hidden this fact, nor have I used it as a crutch for any poor behavior or decisions that I have made in my life. I made my mistakes by my own choosing.. And YES America, I do know right from wrong.

You must wonder why I am pontificating these points on my blog?

Well.. Lately, it has seemed that we have these wonderful politicians from both our major parties in America, using "Being Gay" as an excuse for their immoral behavior, and it appears that the ONLY reason they are using this reason isn't because they are embracing their sexuality, but are trying to cover their own asses.

Stop McGreevey(McSleazzzy) and Foley (You perv) using being gay as a reason for committing the crimes you performed. Us EVERYDAY GAYS, like myself, don't need your reputations associated with US.

You see, we everyday gays, get out of bed in the morning, go to work, have goals and ambitions of our own, and just in case you are wondering-- we DO NOT solicit sex from underage boys or embezzle money from the very taxpayers we represent.

When people like you come out of the closet, you only make our fight for equal rights more difficult. Clearly, you people do not care about that, because its clear that your so selfish that you only care about your own angel. What you people have done is help to diminish what people like Barney Frank has done as a OPEN gay politician. It amazes me that he can manage to have a pretty normal life, being a gay male and be a politician, and has managed to NEVER use his sexuality to perform horrendous crimes.

So, please STOP using your sexuality as an excuse for poor behavior. I am tired of people like you trying to assimilate into my culture, after you have nowhere else to turn. I don't want my identity associated with people like you.

After all, lets face it, if you didn't have to come out of the closet, we ALL know that you wouldn't have done so.

So, do the gay world a favor stop using "Being Gay" as a reason for your behavior and just admit to the world that the reason you committed your crimes is because you are disgusting human beings-- because, honestly, that is the REAL reason for your poor behavior. Stop trying to pull the wool over America's eyes, and more importantly, STOP bringing us gays down with you!

Toliet Seat War

2006-09-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

Yes, Ladies and Gentleman the war has begun. No longer are the days of the cold war, or silent battles, the war has begun. Begun with whom you ask?

My toliet seat(s).

Yes, you heard me correctly, I am at war with my toliet seat. After 4 months and purchasing just as many toliet seats, because seemgingly these toliets seats seem to break on me after like 3 uses. This war is being declared, because I am sick of having to put out 20 dollars a pop on a seat that I know won't last long.

My last attempt occurred last month and much to my surprise, I was putting on the seat incorrectly the previous two times-- which caused for my seat to loosen and during very private, pivotal moments, that often help to push me and the seat off the center of the toliet before my time was up.

I thought after my last purchase of a retchid toliet seat that my worries were finally over. And for a while they were. The seat was securely fastened and I began to have zero worries of where I would end up if I made a slight turn or movement.

However, it seems that NOW the top half of my seat is broken! The top where the screws fasten into the seat to connect to the bottom half of the seat are now popping out and now cannot line up with the seat.

This is frustrating as hell, and these are moments where I wish I had a man in my life. I get that I should know how to do this shit myself, but to be honest, I really don't and I can't change that. What's more frustrating is that the last time I REALLY tried to do it correctly! Granted the bottom half of the seat is in place and now there are no more worries with that. Still, though, it would be nice to feel like I conquered one house duty that I challenged myself to accomplish.

I have faced the facts that I am horrible cook, an even worse cleaner, and know that the man I finally meet will have to be an incredibly wonderful person. However, the one thing I learned from my father is that toliet seat is the "Mans' Thrown". I mean how can I be the true king of my castle, if I can't get my thrown to obey me!

In my usual instinct to protest societies norm and expectations, I am refusing to change this seat until I absolutely have to. I am tired of shelling countle$$ amount$ of money on a damn seat that I know won't last more than 30 days.

Perhaps, I should just superglue the seat, what do you think?

You Go Bill Clinton!

2006-09-28T12:07:00.002-07:00

This past weekend I contracted the flu, and BELIEVE ME there is nothing positive about having that experience. However, if there was a highlight to that nightmare, it was being able to view the interview Chris Wallace had with our former President, Bill Clinton.

First, let me start by stating that I hate Fox News. I think their reporting style is nothing like their slogan "Fair and Balanced". In actuality, their style of telling the news is skewed, terribly critical of the Democratic Party, and often reveres President Bush and the Republican party up to this bar where they are never wrong-- even when it so blatantly obvious that they are.

Second, I hate Chris Wallace. Always have dislliked him. His reporting style when he was on ABC was often pompus, cocky and as a interviewer he is terribly swarmy-- just like his father. So, now that he is on Fox news, where they promote this type of poor reporting style, its only natural that he would feel right at home.

There is no question that Bill Clinton made mistakes in his administration, and I don't doubt that he made errors when it came to Bin Laden. However, is it really necessary to put the total blame on him and his administration? Especially when his successsor spend almost half the time he was in office the first nine months on various vacations?

I think Clinton's anger and his ability to speak so eloquently, even after he was so frustrated by Wallace's blatant attempt to accuse him for 9/11 was nothing less than superb. He spoke for all us intelligent people in the world who are sick of being terriorized by the terrorism propoganda that Bush's adminstration-- to quote a phrase another republican nutjbo known as Ann Coluter used in her disgusting book-- loves to marinate the world with.

I am tired of people like Chris Wallace who are so incredibly disrespectful to our past Presidents' from the Democratic Party, because he works for the devil (that would be Ruppert Murdoch).

So, it was nice for me to see Clinton-- the one person that all Democrats hold in high regard-- speak up against the biast Fox performs on a daily basis against the liberal party and people. Clinton, of all people, by protesting his anger at the state of our country, I hope will encourage other liberal leaders to make more of an effort to take control of the congress and senate once again, and give us all hope that there will be a shift from this horrendous downward spiral our country has been experiencing since his lackluster successor and his adminstration started since they took power.

McSleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyy

2006-09-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

I am sure you all remember the tale that the former Governor, of New Jersey, Jim McSleazy-- OOOPS-- Jim McGreevey, on a weekday afternoon, had a news conference, and came out to the world as being gay.

The shock and wonder of the world--over his sexuality, negated the fact that this man, committed violations in his office by putting his "ex" (lover, not lover.. depends on whom you ask) in the high position of Homeland Security officer of his state of NJ. Additionally, this man was also under a cloud of suspicion for a variety of other reasons pertaining to how he conducted himself in office, beyond the position he gave his "ex"-- and being blackmailed by him-- that ultimately forced him to resign, and of course while doing so say that he is a "Gay American".

Now, lets fast forward from that day to the day he is on Oprah's couch.

Admittedly, I only have watched/watching 24 minutes of this show, but I am completely disgusted by this man once again.

This man cannot consider himself a human being, no less than a "Gay American". How dare he associate with my culture after all the horrendous things he has done and do it all in the name of not being able to deal with his sexuality.

It disgraces me that this man, because he came out as a "Gay American," has not, since admittiming this news to America, faced any persecution for the actions he had committed toward the citizens of his state, through his abuse of power.

As a GAY AMERICAN, I am offended that he used his own sexuality to deflect and difuse a situation, all in the name of being able to not come out the closet sooner.

In addition, this man has wrote a book.. Something called "Confessions". I encourage no one to buy this book. I don't believe as Oprah stated to him on her show that this book will "help so many people". I feel, rather, his book and his notarity, only further pushes people to feel entitled to using their sexuality as a reason for questionable and poor behavior.

I realize that we all have our journey-- especially speaking about our own sexuality--, however, this man I feel hasn't really delved into his sexuality and already feels entitled to be OUR spokesperson.

What really gets my goat evenmore is this man has found love with another man, and living in his HISTORIC MANSION in NJ. Its disgraceful. It makes you wonder about what the reality is for people like him, and why some people like McSleazy feel entitled to so much, even after they have done so much harm.

I am not advocating that the world should throw rocks on him as he passes down the street, but this is ridiculous.

He committs crimes while in office, comes out as gay, writes a book about being gay, and then Oprah warmly embraces her on her couch, and all is forgiven.

What ever happened to integrity, honor, and self-respect-- none of which I believe this man possesses. Who is he to talk about a double life, or about being gay, when this man only used his sexuality, only to deflect the world from the crimes he personally committed, all in the name of being "GAY".

I am disgusted that this man is a part of my culture. He doesn't deserve to be. I am disgusted that this man can find love so easily, after coming out of the closest after such a short time and then dares to advocate to the world on how to be a happy gay male. I am disgusted that this person appears to have no moral scruples and actually feels entitled to the riches that are bound to come his way after writing this farce of a book.

Here are my final words.

He has a book coming out, don't buy it-- even if Oprah deems worthy to read.

He isn't our spokesperson. We gays have integrity, honor, and respect for ourselves, and this man does not.

He seems to have always taken the path of least resistance, and probably has always done so in his life.

One final word, as Oprah was performing her interview, a caption from the local news station appeared across the T.V. It said- I kid you not-- "Local Woman Catches A Big Lizard". Perhaps, that should have been the titled of his book, as it is not only seem to summarize the events that lead up to him coming out, but describes who he is as a human being.

Gym Update... Flashes of a Polaroid

2006-09-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

*Sigh*

Why can't someone just see how beautiful you are on the inside, and not care about your physicality?

I know, I know.. I do the same exact thing. It seem inuitive for us to do so-- doesn't it? We rank everything about a person by their looks, what kind of job they have, and what's in their retirement portfolio?

And........

To be honest it seems reasonable enough that we do so. I can't blame someone who is sacrificing the foods that would rather have, in favor of dieting to get those toned muscles, etc. Why would they want to end up with someone, similar to myself, who has a flabby body at the moment?

Still.. some part of me wants an attractive guy to really be into me enough for me to know that going to gym isn't a pre-requisite for us to date.

As you can tell by my post thus far.. I am pretty frustrated with the gym. I am finally starting to see minor signs of improvement on my body. However, everytime someone takes my picture, and I see them, I completely cringe and feel like I am not getting anywhere.

When I was 23-26, I had shedded those much needed extra lbs. that I had gained in undergrad and got skinny enough to really feel really attractive. However, now that I am done graduate school (and I also have extra lbs. from that experience), I am finding it harder and harder to shed those lbs. More importantly, my diet is actually becoming harder to control since starting my working routine.

What is a gay guy to do? I am not saying this to scare off men, but I do want to settle down before I hit my scary age of 35-- and while its still 6 years away--, I feel that I need my goal body now to ensure that can occur.

I really don't know how I have gone this long with this distortion in how I look to the outside world. I feel like I have been viewing myself as a swan, but in reality, I am resembling a troll.

Don't feel bad for me, I am not feeling bad for myself, just frustrated!

I am just so sick of metabolism, I am sick of working out--sweating like a pig-- while feeling no real result, and honestly, feeling less and less attractive to myself.

I mean, afterall, if you don't find yourself a catch, who else will?

I do realize that no one can give me the answers I need. I need to find them within my own self and save my own identity if I want to make progress with any goals that I have.

It just feels like after each item I have proven to myself I can accomplish, I seem to be failing miserably at controlling the way own body looks.

Any input is always appreciated.

Milestones

2006-09-12T17:30:00.000-07:00

Today, I have been thinking a lot about the word "Milestone". The mere mention of the word makes me think of a series of other words that are often associated with it, such as: integrity, strength, adversity, accomplished, and happy.

However, despite my thinking of these words associated with Milestone, I know that none of these words do it much justice. When someone achieves a milestone, its more than a special occassion, its sometimes a miracle that has occurred inside a person's own psyche-- that they never thought could ever be done.

When I was in first grade, my teacher Mrs. Thomas, in her always pleasant demeanor, told my mother, in so many words, as I sat there in my desk in that classroom that I wasn't able to keep up with the other children in my class.

Without truly understanding what she was saying, I knew by the tone of her comments and the expression on my Mother's face that this was something--right or wrongly--that made me less of a person than those I surrounded.

Pretty much from that moment, my Mother and I would sit at our kitchen table night after night going over my homework and that days lessons in my classes .

Despite all the effort, I just couldn't get the information to my brain as quickly as my peers and, as a result, my self-esteem often sunk even lower.

This pattern has seemed to have followed me well into my adolescent and adult life. Except, at some point, instead of always falling behind, I was constantly ahead. I was achieving scholarships and awards, getting straight A's by the eighth grade (still one of my very proudest moments in life, because I achieved this while my parent's were going through a nasty divorce), and being acknowledge by family members as being "the smart one."

The truth was, however, is that I continued to feel like an idiot. I still couldn't grasp everything as quickly as I wanted and felt I had to spend endless amounts of time-- much more than my peers-- studying, so I could understand half as much as they did with ease.

In college, it was the same pattern. I spent endless hours in the library, much more than my friends, studying all weekend, every weekend, so I would never fall behind.

Although, I began to have more of a social life during those years, it often came at the price of not getting the top grades I so desperately wanted.

When I finally achieved my Bachelor's Degree, I knew I had done something remarkable, but I felt like I didn't perform well enough during my time there to be truly proud of my accomplishment.

So, when I finally took the time to go to Graduate School, at the IVY League university I also work, I felt very intimidated and apprehensive about it, because I felt I was going to fall behind and be disappointed with myself once again.

I have to admit that it was a struggle, and often very painful for me, because the competition was so intense, I felt alot of the time like I was only going to fall flat on my face.

But I didn't.

This week, I finally received part of the validation I have been chasing my entire life, by graduating (with a very high GPA) from the IVY league institution I attended for Graduate School.

Receiving my Master's Degree, although I realize could never completely fulfill the whole I have in my self-esteem, I feel that this achievement is a miracle, and is a big start, for me, to me overcome the inferiority I feel with my intelligence.

And that, to me, beyond achieving the degree, is the biggest miracle/milestone that I have ever achieved.

5 Years Later...........................

2006-09-11T17:09:00.000-07:00

It amazes me that 5 years has past since the biggest tragedy our nation has ever experienced occurred.

Today, I began to think about that day dark day 5 years ago.

How panicked I was that I wasn't able to get a hold of my one friend who was set to fly to San Francisco that day from my east coast town location.

How all I wanted to do is call my Mom and make sure that she was ok, and have her tell me that everything would ok, like she did when I was a child.

How I saw all the college aged students where I work having tears coming down there cheeks as they saw the events unfold on television.

These are memories you can never forget and ones that I know I shouldn't.

9/11 was such a horrible moment in history, it harmed innocent people, and damaged the morale of a city I absolutely adore.

Experiencing 9/11 helped to give me a better understanding of what occurs across the world when wars are fought on their land, and made me realize how grateful I am to be living in a country that contains so much peace and freedom.

The lives that we all have our so precious and should never be taken for granted.

It really makes your appreciate how valuable life is, and how you must treasure every moment you have!

Take Me Out To The Ballgame, Or Maybe NOT.

2006-09-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

There has been quite the debate between me and my friend Chris for months now about whehter a guy, who wears a baseball cap, is a direct determinent of my attraction towards them.

Of course, I refuse(d) to believe that I would be instantly attracted to a man because they chose to wear a hat the night that I met them.

Turns out Chris was actually right.

The other night I had a revelation. As I was drinking one too many Coronas, so I could tolerate the cat scratching (aka. a bunch of men singing sappy love songs out of tune) that was occurring at my favorite bar, I began to see many, many, many men that I was instantly attracted too. Ones that I thought were so HOT, and in my constant stares at some of these guys, one of them in particular caused me to wake up to what Chris has been telling me for months.

This "guy" had dark hair, tall and had a nicely shape body (not too big and not too small-- yuck to both ends of that curve). As this "male" made his way past my table, I thought my tongue was going to drop out from the panting that I was performing internally.

That is, until, I realize this was no male. This was a woman!

Granted, this woman (most definitely a lesbian), could definitely be mistaken for the male species to the naked eye-- about the amount of distance I first saw her from, to be exact. However, in my instinctual attraction to baseball caps, this resulted in me being caught way off guard.

This wasn't the only bizarre instance that occurred with baseball caps that evening. I saw a REAL boy wearing one and thought he was a definite cutie, and actually felt we had met before.

Turns out that we have met, and it wasn't a good experience.

This male who I was making googely eyes toward works out at my gym and who, btw, I have despised since the moment I met him. Whenever I have been at the gym, he has ignored my friendly nods or attempts of being nice towards him. Now, this wouldn't be a problem if he was a complete stranger, but he isn't. He and I actually at some point had the same trainer and have worked out together!

How could you ignore someone that you have sweat with so much? Its just plain rude! I mean, really, don't you think so?

After I had these two different experiences. I realized why I have this attraction to men in baseball caps, and I came to one conclusion:

They are unattainable and a challenge for me. And like most people ,I love conquering a challenge, and this is one that I haven't yet been able to overcome.

These guys are so hot to me because, most of the men I have dated who wear caps, have been complete assholes towards me. As a result, like most idiots in the world, I am determined to do anything to get control over them and win this battle I have with my head and heart and their's.

Its funny to actually realize your own pattern-- especially when one of your close friends sees it before you do.

Having these experiences and having this revelation has left me to succumb to one thing:

Break the pattern.

How will I do this (because I do find men irrestible in caps-- OH MY GOD-- THEY ARE HOT!)?

I have no idea, but I am going to attempt to make a start at it-- and hopefully not develop a new pattern while doing this process!!

Have any ideas on how to be successful on breaking it-- I am willing to try anything!

Oh Will You Please Shut The Hell Up!

2006-09-02T16:23:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that the last few weeks have been very trying on my psyche. So, in response, I am dedicating this blog to all those people-- some famous; some not so much-- who I feel who need to be told to shut the hell up. The truth is that these people are just taking up space and suffocating us all, and they need to shut up for a moment, so the rest of us normal people can have a break.

I hope you enjoy my rant!

#10. Britney and "K-Fed": I have had enough of these two morons. No one cares about what kind of mother she is or what kind of street cred. this sperm donor/wanna be rapper has, or how "Chaotic" their lives are. Instead of hearing Britney's song "Toxic" being played on the radio, perhaps a toxic rainstorm--filled with acid-- should hover over their house and dissolve them both from the earth. Perhaps, if the rainstorm is so inclined it can do it on an evening when the trashy couple is having a party that includes: Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, and Mischa Barton. I mean none of these people take up that MUCH space, so I am sure the rest of the world won't miss them much!

#9. The Teller at Citizens Bank: Perhaps because I got there a little too early this morning to make a withdrawl from the bank account that contains my money, is the reason she made me stand 10 feet away from their front door while they prepared to open. Of course on an ordinary day this wouldn't have been a problem, but considering that two storms were colliding in my town, and rain was constant and large, she could have been a little more understanding. I mean, afterall, I didn't have an umbrella. I mean the b*tch was like "Back off". Who uses "Back Off" when talking to a customer?

Here's a tip teller lady when its raining, no one likes your attitude, so do the world a favor and shut the hell up.

#8. The Storms Ernesto and John: Can you please go into the ocean and leave the mid-atlantic states alone? Its been dreary in my town for weeks. We GET that you exist and that you are dangerous. Perhaps your mother's didn't treat you well when you were just tropical storms. However, there is no reason to take it out on the rest of society. Do the world a favor and just fade into the sunset.

#7. The Real World/Road Rules Conestants on MTV: I mean really, you people need to leave your 15 minutes of fame already. I would say you should leave it gracefully, but we all know that ship sailed once you decide to go beyond your tenor on that season of the show you were on. I could care less what kind of drama you have with X person from Y season. Your days of partying til 3 am., and having sex with everyone in sight is over. I mean, aren't some of you people approaching 40, and kind of, semi-experienced that in college? Get a life, and get out of mine.

#6. Jesus Christ FOR Later Day Saints Leader Warren Jeffs and his members: Do you really think God intended for a male to have 15 wives and 300 children? Really, I mean, do you REALLY? What kind of world do you live in where you think this is normal? Whatever happened to religion being supplemental to the life you are leading, and not it being the other way around. Let your women follow their dreams-- and here is a clue-- its not normal to have 15 kids in 8 years! Get a grip, get real, and shut the hell up.

#5. George Bush/ Rick Santorum: Need I say more? These men are the biggest TOOLS I have ever seen in my lifetime. Where are the weapons of mass destruction? Perhaps since I am gay, I can't see them, because I am committing a moral sin, right Santorum? The both of you need to admit to the world that your f*ck-ups as people.

Rick: You need to admit the reason you hate gays so much is because you are an ignorant asshole. Also, stop putting on commericals against Bob Casey that are insulting to your voters. Like: "This paper says I am too liberal."

Here's a clue Rick: the day that you are too liberal or associated with the liberal party is the day that hell has frozen over, pigs are our number one airline, and the day we find those weapons of mass destruction.

Speaking of WMDs: Bush we all know that the history books are going to acknowledge you the same way we view you now. As a stupid f**ck. Stop masking the world of your failures by stating that historians will honor you-- you know the truth is that they won't.

Bush and Santorum do the world the favor and Shut the HELL UP!

#4. To all those people who think computer expert means you are omnicient. In particular, to the person I assisted the other day. Hello, sweetie, when you bring in a 3 year old G4 that you inherit and your DVD drive doesn't work, that isn't my fault. Perhaps, if you took better care of the machine, or thought.. hmm.. this is old and I inherited it--there could be problems-- maybe you wouldn't be surprised when you put a DVD in, it wouldn't come out. This isn't I dream of Genie sweetheart, I can't fold my hands together, blink my eyes, and make all your problems go away. So, please just shut the hell up already, ok?

#3. Sprint PCS-- my cell phone carrier-- I am SO sick of your ripping me off on my phone bill. Why must I have to write, call you each month and ask you why my bill is increasingly growing, eventhough I never go over my minutes, and I have unlimited texting? I hate your two year contracts, I hate your customer service representatives and I hate how you discontinue to carry chargers a second after you sell somoene one of your crappy phones. Do me a favor: Have someone take over your company, that knows how to run a company and shut the hell up.

#2. To my Boss and every other boss in America that doesn't understand the meaning of the word busy. Here's a clue from Webster's website:

1 a : engaged in action : OCCUPIED b : being in use
2 : full of activity : BUSTLING
3 : foolishly or intrusively active : MEDDLING
4 : full of distracting detail

So, when you call me when and I tell you I am busy and you expect me to still drop the world for you, perhaps you can take the time to look and see what the word of busy means. And no, I cannot delegate these duties to other people when I have a 20 minute break in a 14 hour day-- especially when you helped to make my schedule that way. So, why don't take the time to look up busy and memorize its meaning.. And, oh, by the way, shut the hell up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#1. Professor Michael Tracy (the professor who exposed the JonBenet Killer or so it seemed): Is it ok if I smacked that smirk off of your face yet? You are not important and you should feel nothing but shame about how you exploited this poor young girl's death. You make me sick. The arrogance that you portrayed toward Larry King on his show--one of the world's most prestigous and fair reporters that I have ever seen was disgraceful. You don't get any credit for anything you have done, and you don't deserve any.

There should be zero acknowledgement towards your research, because the moment the reporters came knocking, you acted like you were so great, and guess what your NOT! You are a disgraceful human being, and I feel terrible for the wide-eyed students who have to take your classes in Colorado. Perhaps you should hold a course teaching people on how to shut the hell up.

In closing, this is only a caption of people I want to tell to shut the hell up. I know someone wants to tell me to shut the hell up by now, and so I will.