Tales from Turkey Land

Thanksgiving as with most holidays came with a mixed bag of feelings for me.

The very thought of the holidays have always created this giddy behavior that manages to give me so much energy, that I feel like I can climb Mount Everest. However, when the reality of what the holidays have become for me sets in, this enthusiasm rapidly evaporates from my mind.

My parents have been divorced since 1988. The catalyst for the divorce came when my Mother fell in love with my brother's scout master (who is rather younger than her in age.) I will put in the caveat that my parents had many trial seperations before my Mother finally left my Dad, and that my Dad, at that time she left him, had a very bad alcohol problem. Since my parents have parted ways, my holidays have been filled with being the rope of a tug of war between them.

This is a situation that I have been able to adjust myself to over time, especially since I had my younger brother along side me for the crazy ride. However, about a year ago, my confident in this semi-psychotic nightmare, fell in love and now refuses to spend any holidays with our family.

I can't deny that this hurts my family on many levels, and I can't deny that it hurts me also on the level that I have to endure these holiday water torture exercises alone. However, I know that my brother is an adult and is capable of making/ living with his decisions . After all, its his life.

I guess what has bothered me recently, though, is that he tends to get very defensive when you ask him the simplest questions. A few days ago was the latest example of this behavior. I sent him a rather short, but impartial e-mail to be sure that he was going to spend both Christmas and Thanksgiving with his girlfriend's family.

I did this for two reasons:

1.) I really wanted to know how my holiday would be spent (was I going to have to once again figure out a way to evenly divide my time with both parents.)

2.) I was hoping that he would at least spend one holiday with our family and share with us the joy of the season.

Obviously, this was not the case. He got very defensive about the e-mail I sent, we argued, and we basically left it at me telling him, "if you don't want anyone (family) to know where you will be, why do you bother with anyone (family) at all?

Since I have sent that e-mail, we have not spoken, and the tradition of me being in the middle of a real life "Kramer Vs. Kramer" looks like it will continue further.

It makes me wonder how families get like this? I realize now that my own fear of committing to someone is somehow related to the fear that I will end like my parents have and my child would become a smaller version of who I am right now.

Since my brother has taken a permanent vacation from the family, I wonder if I will ever have an out from the family holiday drama, and if I did would I take it?

I can't say that I know for sure at this point, but if families are suppose to be filled with unconditional love, why do we put so many conditions on our loved ones to be a certain way and do certain things?

Anyway.... Despite the apprehension and stress I have about the holidays, this particular holiday was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I did have to spend the majority of my time making sure I spent equal times at both my parents home, but there are some things that I am thankful for:

I am happy that both my dinners with my parents were peaceful and loving.

I am glad that two of my very bestfriends thought to call me on Turkey Day to wish me a nice holiday and say that they were "thankful" they had me as a friend.

I am thankful that I got to spend the entire weekend with my very close friend from Boston and we did nothing but laugh the whole time.

I am happy about hearing my one friend, who I think will be a great mother, is pregnant!

And...

Most of all, I am happy that despite how dysfunctional my family is, that I have one, and in their own way, love me for my flawedperfection.

Someone who is wise (and I can't remember their name) said "Death and Holidays bring out the worst in families." I have to say that this person wasn't far off, but I guess I am starting to learn, that the chaos that comes with having a family is better than the silence of not having one at all.