The Disconnect
Growing up my favorite color was light grey. Yes, plain and ordinary light grey. When I was teenager, I had a lot of dark moments, that I am not entirely ready to share online, and I would pray to God at night for a grey life. A life that wasn't too bright, and a life that would evade me from a life of being too dark.
My thought, at that time, and I guess still is on one level is that light grey is a combination of colors. Of course, I am not an artist, so where my logic comes from here may not be at all accurate. I thought, if the color white (what I thought as a prestine life-- flawless, without complication), could intersect with a blue or a black ( a darker kind of life), then the color would be grey. An average grey. A life, of course not perfect, or with a lot of amendities, but a life that would be a step up from the darkness that I once had.
To my amazement, I can honestly say that my prayers were answered. My life these days is not without complication, but I am living the average life. I am grateful, and I need to say this, because if my life weren't as light grey as it is now, I wouldn't know where I be. That being said, there is a part of my life that Iwish was more than what it is. There is a part of me that feels lost without it, and maybe by writing it out, it will help me to discover why I am so lost without it.
I have never been in love.
I have had puppy love, but I have not had the real thing. I realize that this is not something I am dealing with by myself. Everyday, I am sure on this earth, there are millions of other people (especially gay people such as myself) having this problem. I just have never felt connected to someone in that way. For some reason there has always been a disconnect with me and romance.
I have a ton of friends, and I adore each one of them for various reasons. They are so special to me, and my life is so blessed that I actually feel slightly guilty for speaking about this. I feel like it is almost taboo, but a lot of them have found true love, and I feel like I am still waiting on the bench to be ask to dance. Its heartbreaking at times.
Most of the gatherings I have with my friends involve me having dinner with them and their lovers, wives, husbands and children. I feel like when I am with them the rest of the world has moved, and I am still standing in place. I have started to worry and feel like that I am unlovable.
As I begun to worry I wonder what turns men off to me. My rather unique voice, my mannerisms, or perhaps my wish for being ordinary has interfered with me being viewed by someone else as extroadinary.
As I approach 2006, I wonder where my life is going and whether I would find the love I so desperately crave? Will I find someone who can love me past my pain? I realize that finding someone isn't the end all and be all of everyone, but if wasn't a big factor into someone's life, why are so many people with someone else, and why can't I shake the idea that I need someone to love me and be loved by me above all else?
Any answers out there?
My thought, at that time, and I guess still is on one level is that light grey is a combination of colors. Of course, I am not an artist, so where my logic comes from here may not be at all accurate. I thought, if the color white (what I thought as a prestine life-- flawless, without complication), could intersect with a blue or a black ( a darker kind of life), then the color would be grey. An average grey. A life, of course not perfect, or with a lot of amendities, but a life that would be a step up from the darkness that I once had.
To my amazement, I can honestly say that my prayers were answered. My life these days is not without complication, but I am living the average life. I am grateful, and I need to say this, because if my life weren't as light grey as it is now, I wouldn't know where I be. That being said, there is a part of my life that Iwish was more than what it is. There is a part of me that feels lost without it, and maybe by writing it out, it will help me to discover why I am so lost without it.
I have never been in love.
I have had puppy love, but I have not had the real thing. I realize that this is not something I am dealing with by myself. Everyday, I am sure on this earth, there are millions of other people (especially gay people such as myself) having this problem. I just have never felt connected to someone in that way. For some reason there has always been a disconnect with me and romance.
I have a ton of friends, and I adore each one of them for various reasons. They are so special to me, and my life is so blessed that I actually feel slightly guilty for speaking about this. I feel like it is almost taboo, but a lot of them have found true love, and I feel like I am still waiting on the bench to be ask to dance. Its heartbreaking at times.
Most of the gatherings I have with my friends involve me having dinner with them and their lovers, wives, husbands and children. I feel like when I am with them the rest of the world has moved, and I am still standing in place. I have started to worry and feel like that I am unlovable.
As I begun to worry I wonder what turns men off to me. My rather unique voice, my mannerisms, or perhaps my wish for being ordinary has interfered with me being viewed by someone else as extroadinary.
As I approach 2006, I wonder where my life is going and whether I would find the love I so desperately crave? Will I find someone who can love me past my pain? I realize that finding someone isn't the end all and be all of everyone, but if wasn't a big factor into someone's life, why are so many people with someone else, and why can't I shake the idea that I need someone to love me and be loved by me above all else?
Any answers out there?
posted by flawedperfection @ 2:01 PM
2 Comments:
At 6:04 AM,
Dr. Me said…
john, i really remember feeling that way. in fact, i wrote emails to friends asking them why they never liked me in a romantic way. i was desperately trying to figure out what i could change about myself. i don't know if this will help you but i just want to say that you are a wonderful, handsome, kind, smart and loving person. i truly believe that you will find someone who appreciates how wonderful you are. all good things are worth waiting for. and, although it's not the same -- i love you:)
At 1:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
you have no idea how wonderful you are. i am so fortunate to have you in my life. also, i ditto everything that tabitha wrote in her comment. xoxo.
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