Shaken Not Stirred
One of the very first and earliest memories that I have in my life is hanging out with a group of old ladies on my street. The laides, especially during the summer months, would congregate on one another's lawns with their beach chairs, form a circle, and just talk. It would be them talking about the world, and my 7 year old body. I never knew what they chatted about or understood what they were laughing about, but for some reaason I found solice hanging out with these older women. Perhaps it was because they gave me treats, or maybe it was because they would always tell me how cute I was, but I never felt more warm and safe.
This Childhood pattern has most definitely followed me througout my adult life. Although I have stopped hanging out with older women, I most certainly feel my soul is much older than my actual years of life. It makes me wonder how this has come to be? Most of my days lately have been filled with youthful activities, and I have made a real effort to get in touch with the fun side of my personality-- which I have neglected for FAR TOO LONG. However, despite my greatest efforts, I still feel much older than my time.
Most of my recent thoughts while I am out and about have been: "What happened on General Hospital?" "How nice it will be to laying in my bed, and by far the most scariest thought of all, "Where is my life going?"
This summer there is this expectation that I have put upon myself to finish my graduate school degree. While I am rather excited about this prospect, I am also exremely terrified. I am terrified of how to write my thesis, whether it will sound good, and whether I will run out of steam. More importantly, I am growing increasingly concered of what my life will be like once I have achieved this goal.
Part of me has grown accustomed to the idea of being able to hide behind my schoolwork. I have managed to use my graduate school education as a crutch for the excuses I have for my life. "I'm overweight because my schoolwork is so intense, that I have no time to go to the gym." "I can't do this with you Mom because I have schoolwork" or my favorite "I'm just too busy with my assignments to really look for a relationship."
Although I have found solice in using my education as a scapegoat for my life, I realize that this cannot continue. However, once I finish this big accomplishment, I am left to wonder whats in store for me next. Do I have a destination? Currently, I feel like my life has been circling the airport for many years now, and I am ready to get off the plane.
Everytime I think about whats next on the horizon for me, especially in L.O.V.E. department, I become very shaken about the prospect or the lack of prospects that may lie ahead.
I realize that fear is 90% perception and 10% of reality. However, right at this moment, I must say that this 90% has really Shaken me UP!
This Childhood pattern has most definitely followed me througout my adult life. Although I have stopped hanging out with older women, I most certainly feel my soul is much older than my actual years of life. It makes me wonder how this has come to be? Most of my days lately have been filled with youthful activities, and I have made a real effort to get in touch with the fun side of my personality-- which I have neglected for FAR TOO LONG. However, despite my greatest efforts, I still feel much older than my time.
Most of my recent thoughts while I am out and about have been: "What happened on General Hospital?" "How nice it will be to laying in my bed, and by far the most scariest thought of all, "Where is my life going?"
This summer there is this expectation that I have put upon myself to finish my graduate school degree. While I am rather excited about this prospect, I am also exremely terrified. I am terrified of how to write my thesis, whether it will sound good, and whether I will run out of steam. More importantly, I am growing increasingly concered of what my life will be like once I have achieved this goal.
Part of me has grown accustomed to the idea of being able to hide behind my schoolwork. I have managed to use my graduate school education as a crutch for the excuses I have for my life. "I'm overweight because my schoolwork is so intense, that I have no time to go to the gym." "I can't do this with you Mom because I have schoolwork" or my favorite "I'm just too busy with my assignments to really look for a relationship."
Although I have found solice in using my education as a scapegoat for my life, I realize that this cannot continue. However, once I finish this big accomplishment, I am left to wonder whats in store for me next. Do I have a destination? Currently, I feel like my life has been circling the airport for many years now, and I am ready to get off the plane.
Everytime I think about whats next on the horizon for me, especially in L.O.V.E. department, I become very shaken about the prospect or the lack of prospects that may lie ahead.
I realize that fear is 90% perception and 10% of reality. However, right at this moment, I must say that this 90% has really Shaken me UP!
posted by flawedperfection @ 7:55 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home