Yes Waiter, I will have the Aggravation, Frustration and a Side of Irritation
I can't help it lately everyone, I have been in an funk. And I am not sure why I feel so blue.
I guess there are a few reasons and I will share them with you now.
Reason # 1:
Lately, I have been reading certain writings from a person I used to know. While in the general sense, I shouldn't care what this person does, says, or otherwise chooses to do with their life-- it does irritate me when this person say or does things in a way that makes them feel like a martyr in every situation. This is especially true, when I find that they have stolen an idea of mine that I casually shared with them on the street, and decide to guise under the pretense that it was their own idea.
What idea you may ask.
Well, I will be happy to tell you. I went back to Graduate School at an IVY league university 3 years ago to get my degree. I went with the intention to learn how to run a non-profit organization. While I would like to share what type of non-profit with you online, I am afraid those who originally stole my goal, might also steal my well-planned ideas. Of course knowing that this idea would not be able to be done with the previous education I had, I went back to school to get the tools I needed to make this happen. Granted, I will tell you that I am about 10 years away from making this happen, but aren't your dreams suppose to be planned out for the long-term if you want for them to succeed?
Enter stealer of thoughts.
After I ran into said person on the street, this person posted on their profile how they "wanted to open a non-profit." Much to my dismay and irritation, I tried to ignore this for many months. However, lately, I have become bugged this person who has no advanced education, who has not one day done one thing that has benefited no one other than himself, has proclaimed now to be the gay mother theresa of the gay community.
My irritation runs deep with this, and you know it shouldn't. I know I should feel happy that someone jump onto my idea to do something more with their lives. However, because I knew this person and know that they haven't changed one bit since I knew them as a friend, I truly know that this person is more about the glory than the effort. This person has completely negated any type of education that it would be required to do something like a non-profit and although has yet to do something with their idea-- has really put a sour taste in my mouth, because I feel by them posing this as their vision takes away from the effort, hard work and dedication I have had with trying to get my dreams accomplished.
You don't just blink your eyes and boom something happens, and this person doesn't even care to know what type of work you have to do to get to the goal of creating a non-profit.. All they care about is the attention it will give to them. And that to me just diminishes any work other people like myself are doing to make a difference.
Again, though, I should let it go.
Reason #2.
Two people I use to know--who are also gay-- got engaged recently. The engagement isn't what bothers me, its how these supposed "friends" bothered to tell me. One of the pair IMs me to basically brag about their engagement. Please keep in mind as I am telling you this that this couple has invited every other person I know to their parties and have neglected to extend the same courtesy to me. They both have these exclusive circle of people and if you are their flavor at that moment, then you are in--if not you're out (think jelly of the month club). So while I am happy that two people who are gay found happiness in each other, I really am not altogether happy for them.
I don't wish them any ill well, but I feel when someone only wants to speak with you online for 30 seconds to brag about how they got engaged and then immediately signs off when they ask how you are doing because "their laptop battery is dying," isn't someone I feel the strong need to give a shit about. These people are rude, nasty, stuck-up-shit for brain people. No one needs these type of people to plague their live--least of all me-- so while I can't be happy for them, I certainly can block them from seeing me online.
Reason # 3
This man that I have been dating for 2 months has started to really bother me right around the time I am starting to grow some feelings for him. Its an impossible situation for me to find something that feels right in the romantic context. Since we have begun dating, this guy and I have text each or spoken via phone every, single, day-- until yesterday and today that is. This man suddenly decides to not talk to me, and when I called him yesterday to talk to him about it, he tells me that he has food poisoning. He said that "he got my messages, but was too sick to respond."
So, I see, your well enough to care to see who is writing you, but you are too sick to give a crap that is me. Oh, did I mention that he has been telling me his Dad is in ICU and of course when I didn't hear from him, thought his Dad was perhaps dead? You would think when you date someone and you spend most of your time talking about how fearful you are over your father's health, that the one day you would not talk to them they would at least convey the message: "hey, I am sick, will talk to you later." But, no, apparently that is too much to ask of someone apparently.
In addition, I feel like I am the one who is constantly being the first one communicating with him, and the one who is arranging all our dates. I am tired of feeling this way. I am often the planner with getting together with my friends and I don't want to translate that into my relationship. Why must I be the one to convey something to someone? Must be the planner of everything? It has to be equal for me.. if it isn't, I got to bail.. I am just so tired of feeling like I am running in circles.
I guess these are just a few of my reasons. I am starting to let these things affect my spirit, and I am starting to believe the only factors in life are if you have money, and if you are an asshole to everyone, and to make yourself a pusher and NOT a pushee. Heaven forbid if you are nice person or try to be nice to others, because really all they do is shit on you.
Its been a really difficult time for me lately, I feel like I have been nothing but pushed around and I don't know how much longer I can take being someones punching bag. I'm not perfect, but I am not evil. So, why do I feel like I am being treated like the shit people push underneath a rug?
Despite feeling this way, I am starting to care less and less about things and I don't know how to make that stop. I think that scares me the most, the lack of concern I have for it all. While I am aggravated, frustrated and irritated, the bottom line is I feel like I am cocooning into this shell and some days, I feel like I never want to come out of it.
I guess there are a few reasons and I will share them with you now.
Reason # 1:
Lately, I have been reading certain writings from a person I used to know. While in the general sense, I shouldn't care what this person does, says, or otherwise chooses to do with their life-- it does irritate me when this person say or does things in a way that makes them feel like a martyr in every situation. This is especially true, when I find that they have stolen an idea of mine that I casually shared with them on the street, and decide to guise under the pretense that it was their own idea.
What idea you may ask.
Well, I will be happy to tell you. I went back to Graduate School at an IVY league university 3 years ago to get my degree. I went with the intention to learn how to run a non-profit organization. While I would like to share what type of non-profit with you online, I am afraid those who originally stole my goal, might also steal my well-planned ideas. Of course knowing that this idea would not be able to be done with the previous education I had, I went back to school to get the tools I needed to make this happen. Granted, I will tell you that I am about 10 years away from making this happen, but aren't your dreams suppose to be planned out for the long-term if you want for them to succeed?
Enter stealer of thoughts.
After I ran into said person on the street, this person posted on their profile how they "wanted to open a non-profit." Much to my dismay and irritation, I tried to ignore this for many months. However, lately, I have become bugged this person who has no advanced education, who has not one day done one thing that has benefited no one other than himself, has proclaimed now to be the gay mother theresa of the gay community.
My irritation runs deep with this, and you know it shouldn't. I know I should feel happy that someone jump onto my idea to do something more with their lives. However, because I knew this person and know that they haven't changed one bit since I knew them as a friend, I truly know that this person is more about the glory than the effort. This person has completely negated any type of education that it would be required to do something like a non-profit and although has yet to do something with their idea-- has really put a sour taste in my mouth, because I feel by them posing this as their vision takes away from the effort, hard work and dedication I have had with trying to get my dreams accomplished.
You don't just blink your eyes and boom something happens, and this person doesn't even care to know what type of work you have to do to get to the goal of creating a non-profit.. All they care about is the attention it will give to them. And that to me just diminishes any work other people like myself are doing to make a difference.
Again, though, I should let it go.
Reason #2.
Two people I use to know--who are also gay-- got engaged recently. The engagement isn't what bothers me, its how these supposed "friends" bothered to tell me. One of the pair IMs me to basically brag about their engagement. Please keep in mind as I am telling you this that this couple has invited every other person I know to their parties and have neglected to extend the same courtesy to me. They both have these exclusive circle of people and if you are their flavor at that moment, then you are in--if not you're out (think jelly of the month club). So while I am happy that two people who are gay found happiness in each other, I really am not altogether happy for them.
I don't wish them any ill well, but I feel when someone only wants to speak with you online for 30 seconds to brag about how they got engaged and then immediately signs off when they ask how you are doing because "their laptop battery is dying," isn't someone I feel the strong need to give a shit about. These people are rude, nasty, stuck-up-shit for brain people. No one needs these type of people to plague their live--least of all me-- so while I can't be happy for them, I certainly can block them from seeing me online.
Reason # 3
This man that I have been dating for 2 months has started to really bother me right around the time I am starting to grow some feelings for him. Its an impossible situation for me to find something that feels right in the romantic context. Since we have begun dating, this guy and I have text each or spoken via phone every, single, day-- until yesterday and today that is. This man suddenly decides to not talk to me, and when I called him yesterday to talk to him about it, he tells me that he has food poisoning. He said that "he got my messages, but was too sick to respond."
So, I see, your well enough to care to see who is writing you, but you are too sick to give a crap that is me. Oh, did I mention that he has been telling me his Dad is in ICU and of course when I didn't hear from him, thought his Dad was perhaps dead? You would think when you date someone and you spend most of your time talking about how fearful you are over your father's health, that the one day you would not talk to them they would at least convey the message: "hey, I am sick, will talk to you later." But, no, apparently that is too much to ask of someone apparently.
In addition, I feel like I am the one who is constantly being the first one communicating with him, and the one who is arranging all our dates. I am tired of feeling this way. I am often the planner with getting together with my friends and I don't want to translate that into my relationship. Why must I be the one to convey something to someone? Must be the planner of everything? It has to be equal for me.. if it isn't, I got to bail.. I am just so tired of feeling like I am running in circles.
I guess these are just a few of my reasons. I am starting to let these things affect my spirit, and I am starting to believe the only factors in life are if you have money, and if you are an asshole to everyone, and to make yourself a pusher and NOT a pushee. Heaven forbid if you are nice person or try to be nice to others, because really all they do is shit on you.
Its been a really difficult time for me lately, I feel like I have been nothing but pushed around and I don't know how much longer I can take being someones punching bag. I'm not perfect, but I am not evil. So, why do I feel like I am being treated like the shit people push underneath a rug?
Despite feeling this way, I am starting to care less and less about things and I don't know how to make that stop. I think that scares me the most, the lack of concern I have for it all. While I am aggravated, frustrated and irritated, the bottom line is I feel like I am cocooning into this shell and some days, I feel like I never want to come out of it.
posted by flawedperfection @ 7:50 PM
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