Closure
I have recently been thinking about the word closure. Why its so important for people to feel that things must come to an end, and when they do, why they must have some sort of peace with it ending.
I am sure a huge reason for me thinking about this so much is because I am practically finished grad. school (my thesis was approved by secondary reader, and I officially done!!). However, there is a more intimate reason why I am feeling this way.
Many years ago I befriended this friend that I grew rather strong feelings for. He and I did practically everything together, and we had a blast. However, there were many times--partly because of my inability to let go of my romantic ties to him-- and also because he was a very destructive personality (He tended to do things that he knew would hurt you, as if it was test to see if you would stick by him-- very disfunctional friendship) we ended our friendship.
A few years ago, I had enough. I told him, over e-mail, that I just couldn't be his friend anymore. There were too many events, where I felt let down by him and he felt by me, and it was just too emotionally exhausting to carry on the way we were.
Of course he responded in his self-destructive manner, and told me that he was sorry that I couldn't face what we were, etc. In retrospect, he was partially right with that statement; however, the reasons for our parting were much more complicated than a few crushed feelings.
Anyway, as I have said, he has been on my mind a lot lately. Although we have occasionally seen each other on the streets since we stopped speaking 3 years ago, it seems now more than ever he keeps poping into little areas of my life where I never expected to see him.
The most recent encounter was in a chatroom. These chatrooms are for gay males, like myself, to meet some boys with the hope of meeting "Mr. Right" or at the very least "Mr. Quarter til I am going to explode from dry sexual spell". When I was friends with this man, he always thought that internet personals, chatrooms, etc. were for "shady people," and wanted no parts of them whatsoever. So, to me, I have found it fascinating that he has taken a new leaf since we have stopped communicating.
As I looked at his pixelated picture on my computer for a period of 5 minutes, I thought about the history we had together. I thought about all the good and most definitely the bad times together, and how co-dependent we had both become on each other. I have to admit in the beginning of looking at his picture I felt intense anger and resentment for all those bad times he made me cry, and for all the times I felt foolish in his prescence for falling for his antics over and over again.
However, after a few minutes, my mind calmed down and I began to think of those precious times that anyone has with any friend they have. The times we went to the beach, or going to country line dancing on Friday night (I don't live in Texas, just an event in my very urban, populated, most favorite bar), and the amount of laughter we had at the Sunday brunches we shared together.
After thinking about those memories, I began to realize that these are the memories I should hold dear about our friendship and not the endless resentment that my heart and mind wanted to hold onto. I began to realize that none of us are perfect--least of all me-- and sometimes relationships and friendships with other people just don't workout.
More importantly, though, I have realized how much I have grown as a person after and because of the friendship I had with him. Although, these differences are mostly minor, some of them were major alterations that were for the better-- even though these lessons I learned came after encountering many painful experiences on his behalf.
I feel like something is drawing me to make this closure with more him peaceful than what it is currently. I have thought about writing an e-mail to him, so that he knows that everything that occurred between us isn't something I solely blame him for. Plus, I want to tell him that when I look back on our friendship, I want him to know that I look back at it fondly and without resentment. I feel in my mind that I must do this for me more than him. I have no anticipation that he will respond (and acutally prefer that he didn't) or care about the e-mail I would send. However, I feel by me stating this, it will allow for me to truly close the chapter we had together and really look back at times with him as not a big giant mistake.
Perhaps, I am fooling myself into thinking that this will be good for me.
Perhaps, I am naieve into thinking that there came be any real peaceful closure between us.
Perhaps, I might be opening a can of worms I really rather not have opened..
However, wouldn't it be worth for me to do this, so I can fully move on?
I am sure a huge reason for me thinking about this so much is because I am practically finished grad. school (my thesis was approved by secondary reader, and I officially done!!). However, there is a more intimate reason why I am feeling this way.
Many years ago I befriended this friend that I grew rather strong feelings for. He and I did practically everything together, and we had a blast. However, there were many times--partly because of my inability to let go of my romantic ties to him-- and also because he was a very destructive personality (He tended to do things that he knew would hurt you, as if it was test to see if you would stick by him-- very disfunctional friendship) we ended our friendship.
A few years ago, I had enough. I told him, over e-mail, that I just couldn't be his friend anymore. There were too many events, where I felt let down by him and he felt by me, and it was just too emotionally exhausting to carry on the way we were.
Of course he responded in his self-destructive manner, and told me that he was sorry that I couldn't face what we were, etc. In retrospect, he was partially right with that statement; however, the reasons for our parting were much more complicated than a few crushed feelings.
Anyway, as I have said, he has been on my mind a lot lately. Although we have occasionally seen each other on the streets since we stopped speaking 3 years ago, it seems now more than ever he keeps poping into little areas of my life where I never expected to see him.
The most recent encounter was in a chatroom. These chatrooms are for gay males, like myself, to meet some boys with the hope of meeting "Mr. Right" or at the very least "Mr. Quarter til I am going to explode from dry sexual spell". When I was friends with this man, he always thought that internet personals, chatrooms, etc. were for "shady people," and wanted no parts of them whatsoever. So, to me, I have found it fascinating that he has taken a new leaf since we have stopped communicating.
As I looked at his pixelated picture on my computer for a period of 5 minutes, I thought about the history we had together. I thought about all the good and most definitely the bad times together, and how co-dependent we had both become on each other. I have to admit in the beginning of looking at his picture I felt intense anger and resentment for all those bad times he made me cry, and for all the times I felt foolish in his prescence for falling for his antics over and over again.
However, after a few minutes, my mind calmed down and I began to think of those precious times that anyone has with any friend they have. The times we went to the beach, or going to country line dancing on Friday night (I don't live in Texas, just an event in my very urban, populated, most favorite bar), and the amount of laughter we had at the Sunday brunches we shared together.
After thinking about those memories, I began to realize that these are the memories I should hold dear about our friendship and not the endless resentment that my heart and mind wanted to hold onto. I began to realize that none of us are perfect--least of all me-- and sometimes relationships and friendships with other people just don't workout.
More importantly, though, I have realized how much I have grown as a person after and because of the friendship I had with him. Although, these differences are mostly minor, some of them were major alterations that were for the better-- even though these lessons I learned came after encountering many painful experiences on his behalf.
I feel like something is drawing me to make this closure with more him peaceful than what it is currently. I have thought about writing an e-mail to him, so that he knows that everything that occurred between us isn't something I solely blame him for. Plus, I want to tell him that when I look back on our friendship, I want him to know that I look back at it fondly and without resentment. I feel in my mind that I must do this for me more than him. I have no anticipation that he will respond (and acutally prefer that he didn't) or care about the e-mail I would send. However, I feel by me stating this, it will allow for me to truly close the chapter we had together and really look back at times with him as not a big giant mistake.
Perhaps, I am fooling myself into thinking that this will be good for me.
Perhaps, I am naieve into thinking that there came be any real peaceful closure between us.
Perhaps, I might be opening a can of worms I really rather not have opened..
However, wouldn't it be worth for me to do this, so I can fully move on?
posted by flawedperfection @ 7:59 PM
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