Envy

Envy is an old and detrimental friend of mine. It has visited throughout my entire life. When I was a child I always envied those who had more, or were more popular, or were better looking. Envy has been condition that I have always had, and never understood why I have it, and seems to be something I could never shake-- no matter how hard I have tried.

Once again, Envy has made a visit to me. I am sure my old friend will be staying with me throughout the holidays. Enough time for me to look at my life, look at others, and feel somewhat disdain at the disparity between them.

When I came out of the closet, I thought my life filled with Envy was over. I thought I finally overcame this friendship I had with it, since I no longer had to be compared to my straight friends' lives. This prove not to be the case.

I have seen so many of my gay friends in and out of relationships. Some are in it for the long hall, while others date someone every other week. I have seen some of my gay friends toss me aside for their lovers, and remember who I was after the relationship ran its course.

All the while, as these friends have done this to me, the only emotion I have felt was Envy. Not anger, disappointment or sadness, but Envy. Envy for how easily they find someone. Envy for how their lives seem to take off easier than mine. Envy for how they can meet people, or garner interest from men so easily, and envy for how easily when things don't workout they find someone new.

I know it is a sin to have Envy. I know that is wrong. I realize that I shouldn't feel the way that I do. But I do. I know I should be more supportive and be a better person, but at this moment, I simply can't.

All I can do is invite Envy in to my house, pour it a cup of tea, and catch up with my dear old friend.