Size Does Matter

The struggle with my waistline started later in life. I woke up one day, when I was a senior in College to find that my metabolism lapped into a severe coma. Undoubtedly from the years of abuse I subjected it to during my adolescent and teenage years.

After College, I went on a diet, and did a exercise routine consisting of yoga and tae-bo, and lost a great deal of weight-- about 30 lbs. Newly, immersing myself into my gay community, losing this weight did help with my social life. I met some really nice boys, went out and party like any early 20 something should do, and embraced my new size and me.

Then, I met a boy. We had a tumultuous relationship to say the least, that ended very badly and caused me to be cynical, eat my emotions and cocoon myself by entering myself into a graduate school program.

Graduate school, caused me to eat more of my emotions (albeit from the mounds of schoolwork coupled with my regular job work-load), and, by the end of my tenor in graduate school, I gained the 30lbs I lost with another 20 to boot.

So, what did I do? I looked into the mirror and decided I had enough of what I was seeing, and started working out-- HARD. I ran 8 miles every other day, and before I knew it, I was back in my *skinny* jeans.

Then, it happened again. I met a boy, fell hard, it ended badly, and I put back on a good portion (not all the weight), I worked so hard to loose.

Most would recognize this as a pattern; I recognize this behavior as "protection". I often protect myself by sabotaging me.

Having a fat layer, deters people, I find from being attracted to me. Which in the end, prevents me from getting involved, which ultimately prevents me from getting hurt. The rationalization I know is ridiculous, but for some reason, being thinner makes me vulnerable..

So, what now? I am going to venture into being vulnerable once again. I just hope that this time, when I do, I don't pay the same price as I have before.