Milestones

Today, I have been thinking a lot about the word "Milestone". The mere mention of the word makes me think of a series of other words that are often associated with it, such as: integrity, strength, adversity, accomplished, and happy.

However, despite my thinking of these words associated with Milestone, I know that none of these words do it much justice. When someone achieves a milestone, its more than a special occassion, its sometimes a miracle that has occurred inside a person's own psyche-- that they never thought could ever be done.

When I was in first grade, my teacher Mrs. Thomas, in her always pleasant demeanor, told my mother, in so many words, as I sat there in my desk in that classroom that I wasn't able to keep up with the other children in my class.

Without truly understanding what she was saying, I knew by the tone of her comments and the expression on my Mother's face that this was something--right or wrongly--that made me less of a person than those I surrounded.

Pretty much from that moment, my Mother and I would sit at our kitchen table night after night going over my homework and that days lessons in my classes .

Despite all the effort, I just couldn't get the information to my brain as quickly as my peers and, as a result, my self-esteem often sunk even lower.

This pattern has seemed to have followed me well into my adolescent and adult life. Except, at some point, instead of always falling behind, I was constantly ahead. I was achieving scholarships and awards, getting straight A's by the eighth grade (still one of my very proudest moments in life, because I achieved this while my parent's were going through a nasty divorce), and being acknowledge by family members as being "the smart one."

The truth was, however, is that I continued to feel like an idiot. I still couldn't grasp everything as quickly as I wanted and felt I had to spend endless amounts of time-- much more than my peers-- studying, so I could understand half as much as they did with ease.

In college, it was the same pattern. I spent endless hours in the library, much more than my friends, studying all weekend, every weekend, so I would never fall behind.

Although, I began to have more of a social life during those years, it often came at the price of not getting the top grades I so desperately wanted.

When I finally achieved my Bachelor's Degree, I knew I had done something remarkable, but I felt like I didn't perform well enough during my time there to be truly proud of my accomplishment.

So, when I finally took the time to go to Graduate School, at the IVY League university I also work, I felt very intimidated and apprehensive about it, because I felt I was going to fall behind and be disappointed with myself once again.

I have to admit that it was a struggle, and often very painful for me, because the competition was so intense, I felt alot of the time like I was only going to fall flat on my face.

But I didn't.

This week, I finally received part of the validation I have been chasing my entire life, by graduating (with a very high GPA) from the IVY league institution I attended for Graduate School.

Receiving my Master's Degree, although I realize could never completely fulfill the whole I have in my self-esteem, I feel that this achievement is a miracle, and is a big start, for me, to me overcome the inferiority I feel with my intelligence.

And that, to me, beyond achieving the degree, is the biggest miracle/milestone that I have ever achieved.