Topsey-Turvey

The last few weeks have been rather exciting and thought provoking for me- and now I am left with making a really tough decision.

This story all began about 3 weeks ago, when I received an email in my work account from a group mailing list that I am a member. The email was notifying those of the group that there are two job openings at this prestigious West-Coast University. While, I work at a prestigious East-Coast University, things have not been exactly ideal for a while, and thought that I would submit my resume' for these positions, albeit as a "long shot".

What happened next has been quite remarkable:

Within a week of me submitting my resume', I received two anxious emails from the hiring officer, hoping to interview me for one of the positions. This position she wanted to interview me for, is, indeed, a great fit, based on my qualifications. So, with realizing this, I decided that i have to take the plunge and do a phone interview with this woman, and keep my options open.

As it turns out, we had the interview yesterday and it went REALLY well, and I am expecting to be invited out for a second interview within the next month or so. And, by all accounts, I WANT this job, and I am prepared to uproot my life to be able to do it.

While all this is exciting, it also leaves a pang in my heart, and second guessing my gut impulse. For starters, my beautiful, precious, amazing niece was born not even a week ago. With her arrival in the world, I am wondering how I will get to know her in any real capacity, being 3000 miles away.

Also, all my friends and family are here. My comfort is here. My job is stable, money is decent, and I have the social outlets I crave. I am wondering, at this point, if it is wise for me to just start over. Start anew. With no friends, family or even familiarity at my job to help as a cushion. The only thing I will have in my new location is my desire to be there, and my cat, Noel.

With that said, this makes me nervous and scared, but fear can't keep you from doing what you desire, right?

Sure, there will be times, if I take this job, that I will be lonely. And there will be a transition. But, right now, I am 33 and I have never taken a real risk in my life. Shouldn't it be now that I at least tried to? Also, how many opportunities does one get to move cross country with a job just waiting for them (of course this will be the case if I do get said job).

My stomach has been topsey-turvey since this has occurred, but not in a panic-I'm-making a mistake- way.. More like, this could be great and you have to give this a shot type of feeling.

So, while I have my doubts, I feel like my mind already knows what it needs to do, if the opportunity presents itself. I just hope I have the internal strength to follow-through!

The return of the Frenemie

If you don't know what a Frenemie is, then you seriously need to catch up on your Sex and the City watching. But, for those of you who don't know, a Frenemie is a person that you used to be friends with-- in many cases one who was particularly close to you-- and for whatever reason, your friendship demised or faded.

My Frenemie I met many years ago, at a time when I first became immersed in the gay community. He, by all accounts, was hilarious, seemed smart and gave the illusion that he was a loyal, dependable friend.

As time grew on, however, these initial impressions, start to evolve into something more negative. There were countless lies I found this Frenemie wrapped up in, he was far more materialistic and fake that I could have ever imagined, and there were the countless times that I or one of his many minions would have to assist him with his poor finance capabilities.

Granted, no one is perfect, and with all relationships, you have to embrace the flaws as well as their "star qualities". Though, when there does come a time when you are dealing with more negative, unstable/unreliable behavior, you must ask yourself: Is this friendship really worth it?

That question came to me 6 years ago. I had just started Graduate school at night, while working all day, and within the first 3 weeks, 4 of my closest relatives were either diagnosed with some heinous illness or hospitalized. This resulted in me, at this point, needing a friend to rely on, and at that particular moment, I depended on my Frenemie.

My Frenemie wasn't compassionate, nor was even reachable. And when I finally reached him to talk, he told me "We all have our crosses to bear, and you need to get over it". Words. That. I. Will. Never. FORGET. This angered me, because at that point, I had lent this Frenemie 250.00 so he could go food shopping, and instead of using it for that, he bought an acoustic guitar. I was there for him the countless times another boy had dumped him mid-stream in their whirlwind romance, and more importantly, I was there for him, when his "better" friends were either ignoring him, or forgot who he was. And, oh, did I mention that he knowingly slept with a boy he knew I was in love with and agonized over my feelings for to him for nearly a year prior to him doing that?

I "forgave" for that, but still haven't gotten over the betrayal.

Inevitably, our friendship ended in the only way possible: In a dramatic, spectacular fashion. We both moved on. I finished graduate school, and sustained my other friendships while meeting new people. And, he, as far as I know sadly contracted an illness. However, that didn't stop him from dating countless boy toys, and sustaining his friends with those people who have superiority complex, and who are two-faced, backstabbers.

The puzzling thing about a Frenemie is that you never quite get over the demise of the friendship you have. If you have even the slightest bit of compassion, you are changed by that friends actions and are forever influenced by what happened in that relationship--whether you like it or not.

So, hearing that my Frenemie was moving back to town was interesting statement to hear. At first I felt shock, then laughter, then annoyance, and finally disinterest. The final concluding feeling came after I realized that we both have lives to live and we are both on different paths. And just because our values systems are completely different, and one persons values are more logical and stable than the other person, shouldn't be a reason to hold it against that person.

Rather, I should feel sorry for said Frenemie.

And, more importantly, why should one focus so much disdain on their Frenemie, when they have plenty of FRIENDS to garnish positive attention towards.

Saint Valentine THIS.

Valentine's Day is really a emotionally crackable "holiday" for many people in this world. The "holiday", or more accurately: hallmark day, has a tendency to exclude and create an inferiority complex for many singletons.

I, among those singletons, use to have quite the disdain for St. Valentine. The "holiday", created great loneliness, and a feeling of isolation for me, all because I didn't have someone to be in "love" with me on the 14th of February-- while, it seemed, my friends did.

As I have gotten older, however, and I have matured, I realized that the problem isn't with Valentine's day at all. The problem lies in the people who believe that this one day can symbolize one's own self-worth, or with those that believe one day can make up for a whole year of neglect.

The reality is that most peoples' lives are in transition. And, just because you have someone in your life, doesn't mean you are any more special than someone else, or better, or even more figured out. The reality is that it just means that you are lucky. Is luck really reason to give a "holiday" to someone, and neglect others who seemingly are not?

Cupid might have struck his arrow at some, and completely missed me year after year. Or, perhaps, struck me with poison arrows. However, whether I have a lover or not, or whether I am privileged/lucky enough to celebrate Valentine's Day, it doesn't make me any greater/better/or less fucked up than the person that doesn't have anyone.

I have learned every one's path is different. Every one's road leads to a different destination, and along the way, your experiences will be different. Sometimes it will be difficult, and can lead you into a haze of mystery, greatness and inevitably disappointment. The no frills reality is that you may or may not get what you want in life, and you have to either get off the road or continue going. Hope and faith in something doesn't guarantee results, but if you allow bitterness and loneliness to take over, then you will probably be less likely to have a smooth ride on your highway of life.. So, what else can you do, but to embrace who are, and avoid things that exclude and look for more things that would appreciate you-- scars and all.

And no one needs a "holiday" to tell us that we stand out, cause most of the time, most of us feel like we already do.

Flowers In The Attic

It is a pretty horrible scenario when you equate your job to horrible pop-culture references, but that is the state of affairs for me.

This story all begins one year prior to now. Last winter, there was a lot of chaos in my job, and a LOT of instability. This was in result of us, going to outside people for assistance regarding some injustices that have been occurring as a result of some people not pulling their weight.

What occurred after many months of not knowing if we would have jobs from one day to the next, as being told that this could be so by our superiors, was that the two who caused the most havoc, were given exit packages.

After nearly 9 months of torment, and uncertainty, things finally seemed to evolve. Sure, my boss and us have our issues with trusting one another, but in time, it would seem things would go back to normal--or at least it is how it seemed.

Sadly, it isn't the case. My superior, fueled by her own insecurity and controlling anxiety, met with a few of us to going over some protocols. Such as "Can't means Won't", "This is a democracy, but the buck stops with me (an oxy moron, if you will)", and using phrases like "insubordination and debating"

Basically, I left the meeting with impression that we are just suppose to say Yes to whatever she wanted--end of story. And anything that might seem like a differeing of opinion would be viewed as an attack.

This reminds me of some pop culture references, such as: Flowers in the Attic, and the Burning Bed. If you haven't seen either, you must, because they are both too fabulous not to see. But, the reality of these two stories is very real, and quite abusive situations for the victims. Farrah Fawcett, in the Burning Bed, is married to this Pr**k of a husband who beats her, plainly for sport. And during the movie she just takes it, with the hopes that it'll get better, like it used to be before he started beating her brains out.

And for the Flowers in the Attic, the mother basically abandoms her children and allows for them to be abused by their mentally ill grandmother, so she can go off and have a fabulous life without them.

These references I use, because that is what seems to be the case for me and my colleagues. We don't get any of the rewards from the fruit of our labors, and we keep hoping that while we are getting kicked when we are down, that things will still get better-- and refert back to the way were before--- when everything was "better".

At the end of both of these films, the "victims" became empowered. Farrah, with her heroine hairstyle, burned down her house, while her husband was sleeping in bed. And the Children in the Attic escaped their Grandmother's wrath, and moved to Florida, where there are constantly "flowers" in bloom.

The perplexing thing about being actively involved in any dysfunctional/abusive relationship is that, you never see outside of yourself, to know that things could be better. Instead, you keep hoping things will eventually get better where you are, and are far too afraid that if you do take the leap of faith, you will wind up in a worse place than you are currently.

The reality is that there are choices in life, despite at times, when you can be made to feel that there aren't. As a result, you need to make a stance. Either stay in the attic, or get beat to death by the bed, OR climb down the drain pipe to find a better pasture.

And I believe this is the time I go and find me some flowers. Otherwise, I might wind up burning that bed-- and I cannot rock being a prison bitch.

Reconnection

Life lately has been extremely busy for me. Albeit, from the birthday that just passed. 33, I am now, and what a scary number it is to evoke out of your mouth. Wow!

Over the last few months, I have felt a disconnect with my really close friends. It is nothing that I or they did, but a result of life circumstances. Despite this being the case, it is tremendously difficult for someone, like myself, not to feel a little abandoned.

Granted, I realized that this was in result of my own insecurities and my own issues, but the feelings were there. So, I decided to refute this feeling by having a b-day dinner in my honor.

My very good friend decided he would volunteer to coordinate it for me, and it actually wound up being a great experience.

Though, even with the party, it didn't still evade the feelings I had about feeling this disconnect. These feelings only became more exasperated by certain close friends either cancelling the last minute, or not being able to make it all.

The one thing I have learned as I have gotten older, is that I am not the center of the universe. And because of this, sh*t happens and things just can't be as perfect as you envisioned. Admittedly, I am a work-in-progress when it comes to this realization.

It is with this admission, that I choose to not let the non-responsders, and cancellations, get to me. I tried to not take them too personally, and I actually allowed the events of the evening take me where they could-- which was to an extremely happy place.

And as a result, not only did I enjoy myself with those who came, those who didn't show, were able to do other things with me, to display to me that they truly cared for me.

While I am not, and may never be at the point of Self-Actualization in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, I am certainly on the road of being content with who I am and for me to realize this for myself, internally, that I am of value.

One day at a time.

Badge Of Courage

This weekend proved to be one of challenges and overcoming insecurities.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, this weekend was filled with the biggest, gayest, party of the year, and I was on the invite list. Being overweight in the gay community is often far worse a life circumstance, than being accused of killing your first born. It is as if you have leprosy, and people are afraid if they associate with you, that, they, themselves, will catch the overweight disease.

Skeptical, and truly having a lackluster desire to be in this world, I still went anyway. I peeled myself off of my couch, climbed myself through 22 inches of falling snow, and walked the mile to the party.

As expected and with very little doubt, the party was crammed with people. Mainly filled with taken men, or with so beautiful of men, that you can find yourself stuttering to yourself just by looking at them.

Despite all this, I went there, I engaged in a few conversations, and assimilated myself into my gay culture.

I walked away, with no bruises, not harmed egos, and no hurt feelings. Sure, I wasn't the life of the party, but it certainly wasn't as bad as I perceived it would be.

Perhaps, I'll never fully meet the criteria for attraction in the gay community. But, you know, I am pretty sure, that I'll meet the criteria for some, and after going to this party, I am sure that this can happen. All I need to have is a little faith and be myself, and something will turn up.While I realize it isn't an easy task to do, it is one certainly manageable and one that I am ready to give a whirl again.

Gay Dynamics

Let me preface this blog by saying, I love being gay. Being a homosexual is an extraordinary life experience. Sure, if you asked me when I was a teenager, would I have chosen this life path, I would have said no. However, after being out, and living my life as a gay male, I love my individuality.

But, with all great things, come great obstacles. For instance, I often feel like I am objectified. I feel like gay males, don't seem to care about your character as much as whether you have a big dick, bank account, and a tight body.

This weekend, I will be enduring this type of atmosphere once again. I have been invited to one of the biggest, gayest, parties of the year. Many gays we'll be there, speculating who has slept with you, who will be sleeping with who and who will be getting plastered.

There is a guarantee of their being plenty of alcohol, not enough food, and at least 30% of the people getting laid. I suppose I will be the lucky one, cause I know that most will judge me as too fat and not wealthy enough to entertain.

Yet, when you are in that kind of environment, the last thing you want is not to fit in. Sure, on the surface, you should feel good that you are above it. However, it is like in High School, no matter how much you hate the cool people, you still want to be invited to eat lunch with them at their table at least for one day. Not so much to be a part of the crowd, as much as it to see what it would be like to be them, just for a moment.

So, while I will bitch about the antics that will be occurring at said party, there is a part of me that will like to relish in the thought that maybe I'll be lucky enough to have a taste of it.

And if that doesn't happen, at least there will be plenty of alcohol to suppress the inner desire-- if only for the night..