Today is My Birthday

Since a lot of my post have been circling around my b-day for the past month, I have decided to keep this post rather brief today. However, today is my birthday, and I am very excited and grateful to have another year accomplished in my life.

I think, and hope that 29 will be the beginning of something special occurring in my life. Perhaps, this will be the fresh start I need to gain the things I so desperately want and need. I'm looking forward to seeing all the good places the year will take and how I will feel this time next year, when I turn 30-- Wow.

In closing, I am just so grateful to have something to look forward to today. Its been one incredible year, and I hope my path to good fortune continues to go down the right road.

Another Birthday... Ummm.. Err.. Another Job?

As I am approaching my next birthday (29-- Yikes), over the next few days, I have come to think about many things. Things such as, what it will be like to be another year older, how much fun it would be to hang out and celebrate, and how I am closer to being done grad. school. However, the one thing I did not think about in my thoughts was searching for a new job.

I have not been laid off, or fired, etc.-- well, yet anyway. Today, at work, my boss, sat us all down and told us that our responsibilities are shifting. In particular, I will be doing more support for students and much less support for administrators. To say that I was shocked is an understatement.

When I began this job 5 years ago, I was assigned three dorms to support on campus (oh, btw, I work at a University where I live), in addition to supporting the in-house faculty and staff. As time has passed on, I have gained more responsibilities at my job, up to and including supporting the Summer Programs that come on campus which includes just as many residents as me and my 3 other colleagues support during the yeat.

In our department, like most departments, our jobs often crossover, and we do assist each other when neeeded. However, this complete alter of things concerns me. How we must breakdown what percentage we spend on each task of our jobs concerns me, and the reason of "we are trying to fill another position" to justify it really concerns me.

I was the last one in my department to be hired, so if there is a downsize, I know I will be the first to go. Which, I will say this right now, I am planning to look for another job after I finish Grad. School (and receive my free tuition because of working there), for bigger and better things. However, I want to dictate when this occurs and not have it be dictated to me. I am so close to being down grad. school (one class left, and my thesis!), if I get cut off now, it will be less than desirable-- to say the least. Also, I want to stay on campus, and if I am "let go", it is so hard to get a job on campus versus if you are working there-- typical, right?

I just don't know what to think and I think I am jumping the gun, but I must send out resume's starting on Monday (the day before my b-day), and make sure I am not surprised. *Sigh*--- Not what I want to be thinking about for my b-day.

I just don't know what to think or do. I feel so helpless. Anyone out there that can give me a clue?

My Love Letter To Chris Parnell

Its official. For an extended period of time, I have been in denial about it. But, alas, I cannot hide it anymore. His dark hair, his silly humor, and the way he smiles, just makes me gitty. I have tried to tell myself that I can't have this overdramatic infatuation with someone I have never met, and who I've only seen in character on Saturday Night Live, but I do.

I'm in Love with Chris Parnell.

In case you don't know who he is, he is that sexy guy (somewhat stocky-- always plays gay characters, or very odd ducks) on Saturday Night Live. This love affiair with me and the man on the T.V. began long ago, when he dedicated a rap song to Ashton Kutcher, and has increased with hilarious mockaries of the Swan, the "Zoomba", and various other sketches. However, he is most funny when he does gay characters. This weekend there was a sketch on "Gays in Space", it was SO Funny. Although each person was hilarious, Chris poses are really what made it funny. He's just an amazing comedian, and he is quite a hottie too.

I realize there are other hot characters that are on SNL-- Seth Meyers, and Will Forte, etc. However, Chris isn't in your face hot. He is very attrractive, but he isn't one of those hot boys who are unattainable. Instead, he is suave, svelt, and has the most adorable eyes I have every seen.

I know that if I confess anymore than what I have written, it would bordeline on obsession. So, I will say this in closing-- I hope Chris, if you read this out there, that you are also gay, and are looking for a mate. And if, by chance, you are.. Perhaps, just perhaps, you will let me show you a good time:)

You Spray Your Cologne Where?

Recently I caught with my cousin, who just started to go Grad. School herself, to see how she was handling being in school with work, etc. Although our conversation about school was very light, our discussion when it came to men got very intense.

She told me that a few weeks before I called her, that she caught her boyfriend for a year, updating his Internet personal-- on her computer. When she confronted him (because he failed to delete the hiistory-- idiot), he told her that she violated his privacy and trust, etc. My cousin appropriately responded "Well, if the rest of the world can knows you're "single", why can't the girl dating you know it as well.." followed by a few expletives.. . and " You did it on my computer-- You.... Beeeeep moron"

Her recent experience leads into my latest thought. What are men thinking? They cannot be that dumb-- or can they? Being of the male species myself, I have to say while I feel I am bright, the men I date are kind of stupid.

Take for instance my last date. This guy and I had talked on the phone for weeks before we met, and really had good phone conversation. He was smart, charming, and seemed really down to earth-- then we met. The first thing I noticed about him was the amount of colgone scent that trailed him when we met up. This colgone was STRONG. I mean, I couldn't even smell my garlic scented artichoke dip after he sat down. From there it just got worse.

He talked, talked, talked, and talked.. What you might be thinking-- I have no idea. I just felt I was a contestant on a show called "His life", and the object of the game was to faux interest-- needless to say I was losing pretty badly.

Then, it got interesting. He mentioned owning a 100 different types of cologne, and saying that the one he was wearing was his favorite. I said, "Well, I have to say its a pretty strong scent." He then goes "Well, its not really that strong, I just sprayed in 10 different areas." My natural response "TEN different areas-- how did you find the places?"

To my amazement, he started naming the ten different areas.

The final of the ten places he named off was his hair-- Yes his hair! Now to give you a description of this man, he is balding, he hair is patchy in many areas, and he is attempting the wetlook--he needs help! After he said that I was like "ooohhhhh", and for the rest of the date was fixated on that he actually sprayed his hair with cologne (I mean if you really want your hair to smell nice, there is a thing called shampoo and conditioner), and how someone wakes up one day and says-- I need to start doing this because it will be good for me.

Maybe I just don't get it.

Or ...........

Maybe most men don't get it. Doing stupid things will cause stupid things to happen. If you are planning to cheat on your girlfriend, how about not doing it from her computer. More importantly, if you spray your hair with a chemical and your hair starts to fall out and your scalp is patchy, and you can't keep more than one date with someone-- maybe, just maybe, you should re-evaluate what you're doing, so you can stop scaring people away.

"Here I Go Again On My Own"

"Going Down The Only Road I've ever known
Like A Drifter I was born to walk alone"

These are the lyrics of Whitesnakes late 1980's heavy-metal classic "Here I Go Again." Although these lyrics are somewhat simple, with a background of wiring beats from a guitar, they resonate in my brain today, over and over again.

Once again, I am left to wonder where my life is going, what I am doing, and why I am doing it. These feelings have been inside my head for a long time, and I can't seem to run away from them. They have haunted my pysche for as long as I can remember. Its a restless feeling that I can't escape. I feel so often that I should be doing more, being MORE in life, but, yet, I feel like I don't have the control or ability to change my position.

To give you a description: Its like I have all these thoughts, and plans in my head, but when it is time to translate the thoughts and actions from my mind to my mouth or body- something happen. A moment of doubt, hesitation, or cowardice, and I just give up. I just can't seem to get out of this rut.

I want to be more. I want to do more. I want for people to say-- Wow, he has done SO much with his life. Yet, at the moment, it feels I haven't done anything at all, or at the very least not enough.

I just don't know how to get rid of these feelings of disappointment or how to make myself better. How do you fix a problem, when you have no idea where you start to fix it? Over and over again, I feel like I am haunted. Where does someone begin to fix a problem from within.

Who out there has had this feeling? What did you do to deal with this type of problem?

God Damn Beauty Queen

There is this Comedy DVD that was released by HBO called "The Queens of Comedy. To summarize my critique of the DVD- its hilarious! The DVD contains four women comedians (All African-American women), who are so funny, that while you laughing, you might have a little pee come out of you. I highly recommend you go out and rent it, buy it, etc.

In relation of this DVD to my post, there is this one part of the DVD, when Monique, starts talking about women of lesser weight than herself, by categorizing them as: "God Damn Beauty Queens." If you just hear how she says it, it can create enough laughter to bring tears to your eyes.

The other day this phrase popped into my head, while waiting for the bus. I will add in the caveat, that I hate taking the bus. The buses in the city where I live are absolutely terrible. They are filled with people who are rude, smelly, and there is never enough seats, and the drivers of the bus really need to be taken for driving lessons, because they cannot drive properly.

With that said, as I was waiting for the bus to arrive, this women shows up at the stop. Its is freezing cold outside, and of course this requires, who I will nickname "Princess" to wear the shortest possible skirt I have seen since before Melrose Place was taken off the air. She arrives with her boyfriend in toe, they tongue kiss for what seemed like hours, and he leaves her behind, to do what I will assume, devour another female face. After he leaves, this girl is so unbelievable. Princess walks up and down the stop, with her introduction to Italian book up against her chest, smirking, looking around, as if the sun rose and set with her.

As Princess continues to strike a pose, it appears to me that she is checking out another boy at the stop-- yes she's a skank. Now, this guy saw her devouring what I will assume was her boyfriend tongue. Considering the circumstances of her morning, you would think Princess would stop the skank behavior long enough for people not the think she was slut. Obviously that was too difficult for her. So, she keeps walking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I can't look at her at this point, so all I hear is her shoes, click-clack, click-clack, click-clack.

Princess really believes that she is something special. I guess we all should be grateful that we weren't be headed for forgetting to roll out the red carpet when she arrived.

To make a long story, short, the boy never makes eyes with her, and she SIGHS in disappointment when the bus arrives. To say I disliked her would be putting it too midly. Being around this girl was like nails to a chalkboard for me. She wasn't anything special-- didn't look like a model, she had nothing particularly special about her, except for her attitude.

As I left the bus to go to work, I keep chuckling in my head about what Monique would have said about her. . She would probably said a lot more about this girl than being a "God Damn Beauty Queen", but even if she only said that, it would have been more than an accurate assumption about this young woman's behavior.

Mom.. Give me 5 more minutes...

When I was a child, I have to say that I was a fireball of energy. I ate lots of peaches (I know high in sugar), and would run around and play with my friends, for what seemed like countless hours and days, and would never feel a smidge of exhaustion. Although I have never been a huge fan of morning-- we've had a tumultuous relationship for many years-- and I often begged my mom in my half comatose sleep for 5 more minutes as she woke me and my brother for school. Once I was awake, I was READY to embrace the world!

After I finished my undergrad. degree, and the Thursday-Sunday night partying, I still felt pretty energized. I work all day, spent a few nights a week at the club meeting boys, and then get up the next day without even feeling like I needed to take a cat nap.

Those days, which I will refer to as the Good Ol' days are over!

I'm going to be 29 in 3 weeks, and you would think I was turning 89! I am so tired-- a lot-- to the point where I am getting told that should become my middle name. Although on weekends I have tried to sleep in as much as possible, with no success. I am usually up by 8 almost every Saturday and Sunday. Its horrible, because when my week begins, like today, I am so tired, that I think I could just sleep on my desk until the next millenium.

How has this come to be? I realize that anxiety and depression pills take part in this exhaustion (as I am on both, and it has not calmed me one bit), but the disparity between the time I spend dreaming about sleeping versus the actually time I do the dreaming in my glorious bed- is huge.

Most of my days are spent longing to lounge out on my bed or couch. However, once I am there, I am wondering what else I should be doing with my time. Being as tired as I am should be a crime against humanity. I should have more energy-- I'm not that old!

Perhaps, I should start taking iron pils, or maybe its psychological, maybe I should start to change my disposition by telling myself that I am not that tired.

Has anyone fought with their bodies over this issue. What has worked for you?

And So It Goes

Recently, I read a book called "Slaughter House Five." Some of you, may have already read this book, and for those who haven't, its a great book- go out and buy it today.

If you do plan to buy this book, you can still read my post, because I am not going to give away too much about the book, except for this one part: each time something that would be viewed as a difficult in the characters life happened the words "And So It Goes", would follow.

And So It Goes...

These words popped in my head numerous times yesterday, when I met up with two girlfriends of mine from Grad. School, as one of them described how the man, she was engaged to and making wedding plans with, decided to call off the wedding and tell her that he had feelings for someone else she knows..

And So It Goes..

What a gut wrenching night for her, me and are other friend. We drank plenty of red wine, and listen and consuled her as she describe the demise of her relationship with her ex-fiance'. The Questions that popped into her head were: "Can I love again?" "When Will I be ready?" "Can I trust someone if I am proposed to again?"

And So It Goes...

Each word she spoke, the sadness in her eyes, the weariness in her body of how she will go on, made me wonder how do these things happen? She dated this guy for three years before being proposed by him. They lived together for 2 years before he proposed. It doesn't seem logical, considering the slow course of action of their courtship, that this should have blown up in her face. I have wondered what he thought when he proposed. What he thought about as he described to her how he had feelings for someone else. The expression on his face, as he knew he was wrecking what was then his fiance' heart.

How could someone ask something so important to someone else, and then turn-around and break it off with her. Where was his heart? Where was his mind? Was he that selfish or stupid to think that what he did wasn't tearing my friend into pieces.

And So It Goes....

I have to first admit that I never really liked her fiance'. I often thought he believed he was better than those he surrounded, and had no problem making that obvious. I just never had a good vibe about him. Regardless, I was happy for her, this is what she wanted. I thought this is what he wanted also.

And So It Goes....

If there is a silver lining in all of this, its that she is young (mid 20's), beautiful, smart, and will recover from this someday. At least she isn't married to someone who doesn't love her, or has any kids with him.

Although, I still can't help but wonder what people think of when they break someone who they claim to love's heart? I know he souldn't do something that wouldn't make him happy; however, aren't you actually suppose to think about your actions before your perform them?

Meaning, when you propose to someone you dated and lived with for many years, shouldn't this decision be one that you already know is the right one, and not one you later say.. "Oops I made a mistake, while you are visiting photographers for your wedding?"

But I guess all we can do is wish, trust and have faith that the people we chose to interact with won't violate us the way my friend has been violated, and if they do for someone reason, we just have to remember to think and say...

And So It Goes.

B is Boredom

Have you ever been so bored, that you have all this anxiety on what you want to do, but then never do it?

Thats where I am currently in my head. I am so BORED, and I think if I can get out of work today, without poking out my eyes, that it will alleviate the boredom I am feeling. However, I don't have plans, I have no idea what I am going to do, except go home and be even more bored that I am right now.

Is there any solution to boredom? Is there any way to escape from its evil claws?

*Sigh*, at the moment, I don't have any solutions to this problem, I am going to write out some random thoughts that are going on in my head and see if you, can help me with the answers.

Ready?

Ok, Let's begin!

Why is an Apple called an Apple?

My birthday is in 27 days.

Why are the people who are closest to you, feel like they can treat the worse.?

Are Saturday and Sunday real days off?

I'm having a b-day dinner this year.. I hope it will be fun.

My one friend still hasn't RSVP. I hope that she is coming.

Is 30 the new 20?

I wonder what my grad. school classes will be like?

I wish I was taller.

What should I have for dinner?

I am so anxious.. I wonder why?

I have to change the litter for the Cat when I get home.

Classes start soon, I hope I like them.

What's tomorrow.

Oh Yeah, Thursday.

What's on TV tonight.

Ok, the thoughts are endless.. But any comments out there, from anyone who might know why I am thinking these things?

So a Engineer and a Waiter Walk into a Coffee Shop

And we have a date, I realize they are freaks, and I continue my quest for true love.

Two very close friends of mine, who, by the way, met their husbands at 15 and have NEVER been in the real dating world, told me to stop meeting up with men at coffee shops. They both said "John, this shit is bad luck for you. You need to find someone where else to meet people. Changing the atmosphere would be good and could help change your outlook on the dating situation."

Well, I hate to admit it, considering where I am getting the advice from, but I think they might be onto something. The two men that I have met up with most recently in my quest for true, unconditional love, while were not all together bad, they were not all together good.

The first one was the engineer, and boy did I fall hard for this guy. He owns a house, drives a Jaguar-- I'm not materialistic, but being in one captivated me momentarily, funny, and charming. I thought.. "Wow, this guy is great".. Well, it turned out he just wasn't that "into me", and I had to recover. Admittedly, I felt rejected and sad, because in the 15 dates I previously had, he was the only one I felt anything with...

Until.....

We had a conversation the other night online (as friends). I decided to try the whole friends thing, because he seemed like such a great guy, and I thought, even if I can't date this person, I want to be their friend. Anyway, after about 2 hours of great conversation online, he threw me for a curveball. He asked me if I liked feltching. Now, if you are straight out there, and don't know what that means, please google it, because I don't want to gross you out here by providing the explanation. However, I will tell you this much.. Its gross, disgusting, and I would NEVER do it. I don't care how much someone wants it in the bedroom.

After that very bizarre turn on the conversation, I realized that things don't work out for a reason, even when the guy seems completely normal. Tab, if you are reading this, thanks for telling me this advice before I actually had to discover it from the source itself!

Just for an FYI, I have not stopped being this persons friend and I wouldn't, but it made me realize that this guy and I could never, ever, be. For some reason, and maybe for a completely selfish one, it made me feel good to know that I didn't want to pursue anything with this person by own choosing and not by his.

Moving onto the waiter.

I met this guy at my friend's Christmas party. He was a friend of firend of his, and we barely spoke at the party. However, I was definitely attracted to him. We talked online a few times and since I was so desperately lonely on NEW Year's Day, I thought... "Hey, why don't I give him a shot."

Turns out that was a mistake.

The second we told each other that we thought we were cute, it just didn't work. We talked online, he was back and forth with talking with me. One moment he was there, the next he wasn't. Finally, it led up to him snapping at me, after I mentioned that I was going to a bar for Karaoke last evening. He was like "You told me this 10 times already" I politely reminded him that I told him twice, and he was like "no, it was 3 times". I said to him "2 isn't 10 and 3 isn't 10." The conversation from there ended rather abruptly, and unfortunately, I was seeing him and two other friends for coffee in less than an hour after it happened.

We saw each other at the coffee shop, and we barely spoke. I was polite, but I refuse to be friendly. I feel if you treat me like shit, then you deserve the same in return.

After I leave the shop, he texts me and says. "How's Karaoke", and I tell him "Fine and Fun, don't want too say too much more in fear of repeating myself too many times." Once he received that text, he arrives at the bar and texted me again and said "I can either say hi to you or you can stay mad at me". I said "If you apologized to me, then I won't be mad anymore."

Of course he apologizes, and its resolved. However, there is no chance that we will ever be, and we kind of said that to each other today. Immediately following this, he tells me likes another friend of mine. He tells me how he wished that we were at our mutual friends New Year's Eve Party. I am like "No you wish that X person was there." Anyway to make a long story shorter, he confesses his affection for my friend, who sadly has no interest in him whatsoever.

I guess the moral of the story goes: Love STINKS.. YEAH, YEAH!

Or perhaps the moral should be is to never get coffee with a potential love interest. Perhaps the coffee beans make it difficult to connect with a potential mate.

The Disconnect

Growing up my favorite color was light grey. Yes, plain and ordinary light grey. When I was teenager, I had a lot of dark moments, that I am not entirely ready to share online, and I would pray to God at night for a grey life. A life that wasn't too bright, and a life that would evade me from a life of being too dark.

My thought, at that time, and I guess still is on one level is that light grey is a combination of colors. Of course, I am not an artist, so where my logic comes from here may not be at all accurate. I thought, if the color white (what I thought as a prestine life-- flawless, without complication), could intersect with a blue or a black ( a darker kind of life), then the color would be grey. An average grey. A life, of course not perfect, or with a lot of amendities, but a life that would be a step up from the darkness that I once had.

To my amazement, I can honestly say that my prayers were answered. My life these days is not without complication, but I am living the average life. I am grateful, and I need to say this, because if my life weren't as light grey as it is now, I wouldn't know where I be. That being said, there is a part of my life that Iwish was more than what it is. There is a part of me that feels lost without it, and maybe by writing it out, it will help me to discover why I am so lost without it.

I have never been in love.

I have had puppy love, but I have not had the real thing. I realize that this is not something I am dealing with by myself. Everyday, I am sure on this earth, there are millions of other people (especially gay people such as myself) having this problem. I just have never felt connected to someone in that way. For some reason there has always been a disconnect with me and romance.

I have a ton of friends, and I adore each one of them for various reasons. They are so special to me, and my life is so blessed that I actually feel slightly guilty for speaking about this. I feel like it is almost taboo, but a lot of them have found true love, and I feel like I am still waiting on the bench to be ask to dance. Its heartbreaking at times.

Most of the gatherings I have with my friends involve me having dinner with them and their lovers, wives, husbands and children. I feel like when I am with them the rest of the world has moved, and I am still standing in place. I have started to worry and feel like that I am unlovable.

As I begun to worry I wonder what turns men off to me. My rather unique voice, my mannerisms, or perhaps my wish for being ordinary has interfered with me being viewed by someone else as extroadinary.

As I approach 2006, I wonder where my life is going and whether I would find the love I so desperately crave? Will I find someone who can love me past my pain? I realize that finding someone isn't the end all and be all of everyone, but if wasn't a big factor into someone's life, why are so many people with someone else, and why can't I shake the idea that I need someone to love me and be loved by me above all else?

Any answers out there?