Sweet Valley Junior High

Remember when you were in junior highschool--if you are beyond those years--and how you thought everything (parties, friends, where you sat in the lunchroom, etc.) was such an important aspect to your life. And if you weren't invited to those things, or a part of those things, you were deemed not important, and it crushed your self-esteem.

I have to admit when I was younger, I tended to flock to the coolest circles. Altough I am very average in a lot of ways, I tried to "impress" the powers that be with my charming personality (I can be rather likealbe when I want to be), just so I could at least have a glimpse into that "high society".

After highschool, though, you start to realize that your adulthood is slightly different than your childhood-- but not that much. Although you no longer can easily see the classicism of your junior higschool days, it is still there. Its there in your choice of friends and by the type of people you chose to date, etc.

So, when, I heard that someone I know had a "party" and didn't invite me, it was rather suprising, but not altogehter shocking. This guy seems to live in the higschool atmosphere of his adult life, probably because he wasn't that popular while he was in school.

As a result, he seems to have these very large parties, that contain the who's who of my gay community. The people at these parties, just like at your junior highschool dance, often seperate themselves based on how they view themselves and how they view you. If they like you, they are nice. If they don't, you don't dare come near their circle.

To be honest, large parties in my community are a standard, because it really does help you to find your next date, lover, friend, etc. However, because my friend (and I use the term rather loosly) chose to have this new party, with a smaller scale people, he based it on two things: someone's looks and whether he wanted to see them naked.

Just like when your were invited to parties when you were adolescent and were cornered into playing spin the bottle and had to kiss some girl (eww), this party had the same elements. Except, at this party, people got naked on a dare, or received blow jobs in front of a viewing audience. I even heard that when one person who wasn't invited to this party arrived unannounced, and was turned away-- even though this guy is a strong aquaintance or friend with the people inside (i.e., not as attractive as the others- a la the fat girl in the really cool circle in highschool)

Its rather silly to be approaching 30 and hearing this type of behavior to be honest. What amazes me more though about all these antics is the person who was deeming people worthy enough to attend this party.

Not to be shallow, but this man is NOT cute. As a matter of fact, I have often thought that his face resembled a donkey. Cruel, but most accurate. However, as an ADULT you don't value everything on someones looks as much as you did. Rather you base your judgement on whether they are a good person-- seems that this person hasn't learned that lesson yet.

Being off the guest list off this exclusive party doesn't really hurt my feelings, because I am not someone who would feel comfortable in that atmosphere. However, it does rather make me sad that someone that I valued so much as a person and considered a friend would act in such a immature manner.

However, I guess when you are still in junior high emotionally, you really don't see outside of that world, and a word like "hindsight" "compassion," etc. are not in your vocabulary just yet.

Closure

I have recently been thinking about the word closure. Why its so important for people to feel that things must come to an end, and when they do, why they must have some sort of peace with it ending.

I am sure a huge reason for me thinking about this so much is because I am practically finished grad. school (my thesis was approved by secondary reader, and I officially done!!). However, there is a more intimate reason why I am feeling this way.

Many years ago I befriended this friend that I grew rather strong feelings for. He and I did practically everything together, and we had a blast. However, there were many times--partly because of my inability to let go of my romantic ties to him-- and also because he was a very destructive personality (He tended to do things that he knew would hurt you, as if it was test to see if you would stick by him-- very disfunctional friendship) we ended our friendship.

A few years ago, I had enough. I told him, over e-mail, that I just couldn't be his friend anymore. There were too many events, where I felt let down by him and he felt by me, and it was just too emotionally exhausting to carry on the way we were.

Of course he responded in his self-destructive manner, and told me that he was sorry that I couldn't face what we were, etc. In retrospect, he was partially right with that statement; however, the reasons for our parting were much more complicated than a few crushed feelings.

Anyway, as I have said, he has been on my mind a lot lately. Although we have occasionally seen each other on the streets since we stopped speaking 3 years ago, it seems now more than ever he keeps poping into little areas of my life where I never expected to see him.

The most recent encounter was in a chatroom. These chatrooms are for gay males, like myself, to meet some boys with the hope of meeting "Mr. Right" or at the very least "Mr. Quarter til I am going to explode from dry sexual spell". When I was friends with this man, he always thought that internet personals, chatrooms, etc. were for "shady people," and wanted no parts of them whatsoever. So, to me, I have found it fascinating that he has taken a new leaf since we have stopped communicating.

As I looked at his pixelated picture on my computer for a period of 5 minutes, I thought about the history we had together. I thought about all the good and most definitely the bad times together, and how co-dependent we had both become on each other. I have to admit in the beginning of looking at his picture I felt intense anger and resentment for all those bad times he made me cry, and for all the times I felt foolish in his prescence for falling for his antics over and over again.

However, after a few minutes, my mind calmed down and I began to think of those precious times that anyone has with any friend they have. The times we went to the beach, or going to country line dancing on Friday night (I don't live in Texas, just an event in my very urban, populated, most favorite bar), and the amount of laughter we had at the Sunday brunches we shared together.

After thinking about those memories, I began to realize that these are the memories I should hold dear about our friendship and not the endless resentment that my heart and mind wanted to hold onto. I began to realize that none of us are perfect--least of all me-- and sometimes relationships and friendships with other people just don't workout.

More importantly, though, I have realized how much I have grown as a person after and because of the friendship I had with him. Although, these differences are mostly minor, some of them were major alterations that were for the better-- even though these lessons I learned came after encountering many painful experiences on his behalf.

I feel like something is drawing me to make this closure with more him peaceful than what it is currently. I have thought about writing an e-mail to him, so that he knows that everything that occurred between us isn't something I solely blame him for. Plus, I want to tell him that when I look back on our friendship, I want him to know that I look back at it fondly and without resentment. I feel in my mind that I must do this for me more than him. I have no anticipation that he will respond (and acutally prefer that he didn't) or care about the e-mail I would send. However, I feel by me stating this, it will allow for me to truly close the chapter we had together and really look back at times with him as not a big giant mistake.

Perhaps, I am fooling myself into thinking that this will be good for me.

Perhaps, I am naieve into thinking that there came be any real peaceful closure between us.

Perhaps, I might be opening a can of worms I really rather not have opened..


However, wouldn't it be worth for me to do this, so I can fully move on?

F*#K BootCamp

There are many moments in my life where I feel like someone upstairs is having a HUGE laugh at my expense.

One such example occurred on Monday evening.

Because I am 98% finished with my grad. degree (i.e., still waiting on my secondary reader to approve my thesis), I decided it was time for me to stop denying that I have gained weight since my time in school, and become really proactive about shedding the extra lbs.

I dreamt that my new days at the gym would be filled with the times like it was when I had my old, more in shape, better body. So, I decided-- Mr. Confident-- to take an aerobics class called "BootCamp". I heard from many friends, who also attended my gym, that this class really challenges your body and it will get me in shape pretty fast.

As I approached the exercise room, giddy with delight, I began to stretch and checked to see if my bottled water and towel were close by--afterall I need to keep my body hydrated.

After a few minutes of fun stretching, the instructor entered the room (somewhere in this moment should be the music "da, da, dum").

As this an attractive, in-shape man-- who I must say was very easy on the eyes-- began the class for me and 6 other girls in the room (yes, I was the only male), he states how we are going outside today because its nice weather, and he "wants us to run, and see us suffer."

This wasn't the sentence my mind or body needed to hear.

So, as the class heads toward the door, one woman slowly migrates to the elyptical machine-- damn her for being so smart-- and abandones the class. I, on the other, who at this moment think I resemble Superman's looks and physique, think I could handle this class and this man. Afterall, I haven't been to the gym on a regular basis in over 2 years, why would I think otherwise?

The class begins and we begin running, and running, and he is shouting "Come on, Faster-- Keep Up". All I wanted to do at these moments was to run fast enough to knock him over, so I had a chance to breathe.

After about a mile and a half of running- or what I like to call my close encounter with hell-- he has us stop.

Think the class would get easier.. Yeah, so Did I.. I am not that lucky

He goes "Now we are going to do some stretches, but we are REALLY going to work those muscles".

Again, not a sentence I wanted to hear.

This man must hate the fact that people do other things than exercise, because he punished all of us for our indescretions outside of the gym. He had working on our triceps by making put the end of our hands against a bench and performing forward push-ups. Then he stretched our legs to the point that I thought one of my limbs had severed off during the process because I couldn't feel it anymore. And besides all of of that, he was telling us all that "This was GOOD for US"

Oh God will this man ever shut up!

After about 20 minutes and him insisting that I should tell him when it was ok to stop, and after I screamed "STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He thought it would be fun to run again.

Oh, what fun!

I began running and I began huffing and puffing, and huffing, and praying to the lord not to have me die in the middle of a dirt road, until he comes up to me and says that I am "NOT Keeping Up".

So, I reminded him that this wasn't "Actual Bootcamp", and that I beat to my own drum. He asked what's wrong, and I told him that my back was hurting while I was running.

He then says, "Well that must be because you have weak ab muscles".

You think so? You know because after not going to the gym or having any type of exercise routine, and eating everythning in site and whatever I wanted for 2 and 1/2 years, I thought I would have Abs of Steel.

I love the BRILLIANT observations people make in life.

He then goes on to say.. Well, just catch up to us.. So, I said I will do that-- knowing full well, when he was out of eye sight I was going to run as fast as I could in the other direction back to the gym.

And So I Did...

Once I returned to the gym, I got on the elyptical machine next to the girl who at this point I thought was as wise as Yoda from those Star Wars movies, and began to workout my way and at MY pace.

After about 30 minutes on the machine, the instructor comes up to me and says "What happened to you?"

As if it wasn't obvious that I ditched his class to come back to the gym. I said " I came back here"

He said " I was worried about you, you should have thought to let me know what happened to you"

Oh.. Thats right.. Nevermind the fact that I realize how truly out of shape my body is, or how I was the only male in the class, besides him, and I couldn't keep up with the women, or how I thought I was going to die-- my first thought of course is to worry about him and HIS FEELINGS. Afterall, thats why I am going to the gym in the first place.

Following his wonderful response. I politely asked him if he was telepathic.

He said no.

So, therefore, I felt it was only appropriate that I remind him that I don't have his e-mail, pager, or cell phone number and that because I just met him this evening there was no way I could possibly tell him that I was going back to the gym unless he was telepathic.

He then said, "It would have still been nice to know"

Yes, I guess it would have been nice to know that I wasn't going to be back at class. It would have also been nice to know that when I signed up to go into this class that you were going to put me through hell, and have me see visions of the pearly gates. Or, that the class would be outside in 90 degree humid weather-- perfect running weather, for people with a death wish,

And most imporatantly, that when I actually signed up for the class that I was going to have to deal with a**hole instructor more concerned about maintaining his own health and stamina, than those he teaches, and being a total prick through the entire process.

Yes, It would have been nice to know a lot of things, but afterall none of us are telepathic, so I guess in some cases we all have to learn things the hard way!

I know I learned my lesson.. Wonder what it is...

Well, I learned that I need to know my limitations and when someone who is that difficult is teaching a course, you can either fold your cards and walk away or rise to the challenge.

Wanna know what I am going to do..

Stay tuned..

Hanging On By A Thread

Lately, I have felt like my patience has been tested on the highest level.

Particularly when it has come to my Master's Thesis. I have finished this document two weeks ago (50 pages), submitted the information to my readers, and ever since, have felt like I have been in limbo.

My primary reader approved my thesis the middle of last week, of course, after I made a few, very minor, alterations to it. However, my SECONDARY reader has not even gotten through it yet.

Its driving me insane.

Finishing Grad. School is something that I have look forward to for the past year now, and I feel like I am 1 and 3/4 steps out the door, but I can't leave because my secondary reader has me superglued to the doorway.

I NEED to be finished with Grad. School, more than most people know. I feel like this chapter in my life NEEDs to end. I have felt like lately that I have been in prison and I am waiting to be free again. I have sacrificed my social life, my health (i.e., weight gain) so I can get this degree and feel liberated.

I realize that people need time and their lives can get in the way, but my secondary reader has had this document for 2 weeks and I feel as someone who is a student in this program, that my needs/anxiety need to be taken into consideration.

There isn't much more she can possibly suggest than what primary reader has already asked of me. I know that in my head; however, I am fearful that I will never be finished and this will carry on for months, and to be honest, I really just want to move on and start thinking of doing other things in my life-- like going on dates again, etc.

Perhaps this is an anxiety rant, but I feel as though I deserve a speedy response. This paper has been hanging over my head for far too long and I am ready for it to stop being the first and last thought I have each day of my life.

I am ready to move on from it, so lets hope that my secondary can get it together and let me do that for my sanity and peace of mind!

Stop Harping On My Liver

One of my very bestfriends, who I have known over a decade, is a lawyer. As one would expect with anyone who is friends with a lawyer, and not a lawyer themselves, she has many friends from her law firm and from her law school.

So, naturally, when we spend time together, it would be assumed that some of these friends would join us. Last night was one of these examples. We decided, my lawyer friend, our other close college friend, and myself to have dinner and catch up, because we are bestfriends with each other and hadn't seen one another for a month and we needed our fix of each other.

My lawyer friend brought along her girlfriend who we met in the past and who is always very polite and even after this story I am about to share, is still a very nice woman.

The evening began as a typical evening. My one friend and I met up and went to this utlra sheek bar in the city, and met up wih my lawyer friends' sister-in-law and her work colleagues. We all had the 3 dollar white wine special--except my friend who is 7 months pregnant-- and ordered an appetizer of calamari and pate' (the pate' was something I wanted more than they did).

When my lawyer friend and her law school friend arrived, the first thing her friend did was *GASP*. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE EATING THAT (referring to the pate'). Now, if she was there when I made this order and did that I would have rescinded it, but since it was already at the table, and I didn't know her issue with it, there was nothing else to do but to eat it in front of her.

She went on and on about how what I am eating is terrible because of how they raise those animalrs, etc. Granted, I am not insensitive to animals right, but i feel if it taste good and I don't have to know where it came from, then I am fine with-- a la Don't ask; Don't Tell.

Anyway, it would have only been slightly irritating if it only happened at that moment, but she went on and on all evening about it-- even after we left that one bar to go to another. It got to the point that I wanted to shuv the pate' in her mouth, so I had a moment of peace.

If you belong to PETA, or any other animal rights organizations, I fully applaud your devotion. However, I will not apologize for liking my lamb chops, wool sweaters--- which by the way, after hearing her rant, she thinks its ok to strip a lamp of all its fur to make her a nice sweater-- somewhat of a contradiction there in her belief system... hmmmmm.., or my pate'.

If you don't like what I am eating, then turn you head and think about something else, and let me digest my food in PEACE.