Badge Of Courage

This weekend proved to be one of challenges and overcoming insecurities.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, this weekend was filled with the biggest, gayest, party of the year, and I was on the invite list. Being overweight in the gay community is often far worse a life circumstance, than being accused of killing your first born. It is as if you have leprosy, and people are afraid if they associate with you, that, they, themselves, will catch the overweight disease.

Skeptical, and truly having a lackluster desire to be in this world, I still went anyway. I peeled myself off of my couch, climbed myself through 22 inches of falling snow, and walked the mile to the party.

As expected and with very little doubt, the party was crammed with people. Mainly filled with taken men, or with so beautiful of men, that you can find yourself stuttering to yourself just by looking at them.

Despite all this, I went there, I engaged in a few conversations, and assimilated myself into my gay culture.

I walked away, with no bruises, not harmed egos, and no hurt feelings. Sure, I wasn't the life of the party, but it certainly wasn't as bad as I perceived it would be.

Perhaps, I'll never fully meet the criteria for attraction in the gay community. But, you know, I am pretty sure, that I'll meet the criteria for some, and after going to this party, I am sure that this can happen. All I need to have is a little faith and be myself, and something will turn up.While I realize it isn't an easy task to do, it is one certainly manageable and one that I am ready to give a whirl again.

Gay Dynamics

Let me preface this blog by saying, I love being gay. Being a homosexual is an extraordinary life experience. Sure, if you asked me when I was a teenager, would I have chosen this life path, I would have said no. However, after being out, and living my life as a gay male, I love my individuality.

But, with all great things, come great obstacles. For instance, I often feel like I am objectified. I feel like gay males, don't seem to care about your character as much as whether you have a big dick, bank account, and a tight body.

This weekend, I will be enduring this type of atmosphere once again. I have been invited to one of the biggest, gayest, parties of the year. Many gays we'll be there, speculating who has slept with you, who will be sleeping with who and who will be getting plastered.

There is a guarantee of their being plenty of alcohol, not enough food, and at least 30% of the people getting laid. I suppose I will be the lucky one, cause I know that most will judge me as too fat and not wealthy enough to entertain.

Yet, when you are in that kind of environment, the last thing you want is not to fit in. Sure, on the surface, you should feel good that you are above it. However, it is like in High School, no matter how much you hate the cool people, you still want to be invited to eat lunch with them at their table at least for one day. Not so much to be a part of the crowd, as much as it to see what it would be like to be them, just for a moment.

So, while I will bitch about the antics that will be occurring at said party, there is a part of me that will like to relish in the thought that maybe I'll be lucky enough to have a taste of it.

And if that doesn't happen, at least there will be plenty of alcohol to suppress the inner desire-- if only for the night..

Life Of A Lone Superstar

My entire life I have had this inner feeling that I was meant for greatness. It started when I was about 7 years old, and I remember living in my lower-class city neighborhood, and KNEW that I wasn't meant to live the life that I was exposed to.

I always thought I felt this disconnect because I wanted to get a higher education. I wanted to go to College, and get a degree. From the time since I was in the womb, my Mother always instilled in me and later my brother the importance of college and how it was important to go and become successful. While, my brother never adjusted to the idea of college or school, I did. As a result, I excelled in academia, went onto college, graduated, went to graduate school at an IVY league university, graduated, and believed I have achieved this greatness of destiny.

I was wrong. After completing graduate school, and finally proving to myself that I am intelligent (a inner insecurity I had inside myself since I was in grade school), I still felt empty. I began and still continue to feel incomplete. I feel that there is more out there for me and I have begun to think I have been suffocating my soul by ignoring this urge.

When I was in 6Th grade, we had an assignment. The assignment was simple: write a paper about what you want to be someday. I thought about the assignment, and decided that I wanted to be an actor. My Mom, while didn't discourage me from this aspiration, told me that I should get a higher education first, just in case that dream didn't pan out. For whatever reason, in my psyche, I took this to mean to not do it. So, instead, I wrote a paper about wanting to be a teacher.

While I got a B+ on the paper (albeit, since the emotion behind the paper wasn't authentic), I continue down this quest. I went to college, got a degree in a safe field and now work in this said safe field. I garnered a safe job ( a very good one in fact), and did all the *right* things with my life. Yet, the calling, the feeling, the desire, still echoes in the back of my brain.

The irony to this is that I am stale Television watcher. I watch the same shows over and over. Yet, when I do watch them, I envision myself in that world, what I could bring to the table, and how at home I would feel there.

I love to make people laugh, I love to see the reaction of pleasure on their faces, I love to know that I am giving them a joy that most cannot fulfill for them in their daily lives.. Yet, I have been afraid to embrace my desire. I have been afraid the light of it would be to0 glaring for my eyes and most of all, afraid of failing.

Until now. This new year will bring more to me. Will bring more to my psyche and I will become more fulfilled. I will get exposed to the calling, and with any luck and with time and practice, the emptiness I have been ignoring will fade... forever.

Size Does Matter

The struggle with my waistline started later in life. I woke up one day, when I was a senior in College to find that my metabolism lapped into a severe coma. Undoubtedly from the years of abuse I subjected it to during my adolescent and teenage years.

After College, I went on a diet, and did a exercise routine consisting of yoga and tae-bo, and lost a great deal of weight-- about 30 lbs. Newly, immersing myself into my gay community, losing this weight did help with my social life. I met some really nice boys, went out and party like any early 20 something should do, and embraced my new size and me.

Then, I met a boy. We had a tumultuous relationship to say the least, that ended very badly and caused me to be cynical, eat my emotions and cocoon myself by entering myself into a graduate school program.

Graduate school, caused me to eat more of my emotions (albeit from the mounds of schoolwork coupled with my regular job work-load), and, by the end of my tenor in graduate school, I gained the 30lbs I lost with another 20 to boot.

So, what did I do? I looked into the mirror and decided I had enough of what I was seeing, and started working out-- HARD. I ran 8 miles every other day, and before I knew it, I was back in my *skinny* jeans.

Then, it happened again. I met a boy, fell hard, it ended badly, and I put back on a good portion (not all the weight), I worked so hard to loose.

Most would recognize this as a pattern; I recognize this behavior as "protection". I often protect myself by sabotaging me.

Having a fat layer, deters people, I find from being attracted to me. Which in the end, prevents me from getting involved, which ultimately prevents me from getting hurt. The rationalization I know is ridiculous, but for some reason, being thinner makes me vulnerable..

So, what now? I am going to venture into being vulnerable once again. I just hope that this time, when I do, I don't pay the same price as I have before.

Envy

Envy is an old and detrimental friend of mine. It has visited throughout my entire life. When I was a child I always envied those who had more, or were more popular, or were better looking. Envy has been condition that I have always had, and never understood why I have it, and seems to be something I could never shake-- no matter how hard I have tried.

Once again, Envy has made a visit to me. I am sure my old friend will be staying with me throughout the holidays. Enough time for me to look at my life, look at others, and feel somewhat disdain at the disparity between them.

When I came out of the closet, I thought my life filled with Envy was over. I thought I finally overcame this friendship I had with it, since I no longer had to be compared to my straight friends' lives. This prove not to be the case.

I have seen so many of my gay friends in and out of relationships. Some are in it for the long hall, while others date someone every other week. I have seen some of my gay friends toss me aside for their lovers, and remember who I was after the relationship ran its course.

All the while, as these friends have done this to me, the only emotion I have felt was Envy. Not anger, disappointment or sadness, but Envy. Envy for how easily they find someone. Envy for how their lives seem to take off easier than mine. Envy for how they can meet people, or garner interest from men so easily, and envy for how easily when things don't workout they find someone new.

I know it is a sin to have Envy. I know that is wrong. I realize that I shouldn't feel the way that I do. But I do. I know I should be more supportive and be a better person, but at this moment, I simply can't.

All I can do is invite Envy in to my house, pour it a cup of tea, and catch up with my dear old friend.

It's Just a Little Cursh

There is always something about a crush that makes your day brighter. Whether the person likes your back or not--which, in my experience, is usually not-- there is something about when you think of someone, that gives you those magic butterflies.

Crushes for me, are like surprise parties: you never anticipate them occurring, but when they do, you got a jolt of adrenaline that could elevate you to cloud 9.

So, I have a crush. One that is rather unexpected, as the formula works for me. I don't know the person all that well, but when I think about him, I smile and I know that I have an attraction.

The lucky boy seems sweet enough, smart and definitely handsome. I can't really speak to his personality all that well, since we have had maybe 5 conversations since I known him and usually not directly. However, whenever he does speak, I become starry eye and melt to the sound of his voice.

I don't like confessing crushes, because it often burst that bubble you have on the guy you do, when/if they don't reciprocate the feelings. I much rather enjoy seeing them on this pedestal and think only the best things about them. I often think of my crushes as crusades. They always do the right thing and they have no hang-ups, whatsoever-- and-- oh, did I mention they have an undying love and devotion to me.

Perhaps, it is an unrealistic, but it is a crush and to me a crush is filled with fantasy. And while I have this crush on this *special* guy, I'll day dream about him however I want :)

The Morning After

There is always something about holiday parties and alcohol, that make you looser than you ordinarily would be. Perhaps, because the alcohol is free, or maybe it is the time of year when we all start to reflect on our lives. Or, maybe, it is the one opportunity where you get to be in one room with a bunch of people you know all at once.

Whatever, the reason, I always fall victim to the holiday party excitement and with it, the regrets. I'm always having too much fun at them and as a result of that, waking up filled with regret.

Though, this party I went to yesterday wasn't my worse scene at a party, it certainly wasn't what I call a proud moment. I gossiped endlessly, talked about myself incessantly (and revealed far too personal of information), and i managed to insult a few people with my honesty-- of course all in good fun and unintentionally.

Regardless, antics were played, and fun was to be had. However, I always wonder why I fall victim. I always have too much or no fun at all. There is no middle ground for me in social settings. I wonder if there were, would I be more or less entertaining than I am right now.

I have no doubt as the holidays approach there will be more situations like this and more regrets to be had that my psyche will have to endure. But for the time being, I'll just choke up yesterday's incident one of great fun and of isolation.

Denial can be so good to you, if you know how to use it wisely.

Defying Gravity

It has been some time since I last posted to a blog. A lot has changed in my life since I last decided to express myself in a public forum. For starters, I am done with Grad. School, I am done being hung up on "X" guy, and I can actually say that I am in a better place than I was the last time I wrote (I am sure the anti-depressants have helped with all the formers).

What I have noticed the most, however, after perusing these prior blogs is that I feel I am not as co-dependent as I used to be. Looking back, I guess I noticed how out of control I felt my life was, and how incomplete it was because others lives seem to be progressing a lot more than my own.

I can't say that I still don't have those hang-ups from time to time, but I am just amazed now how different I am from the person I was; which feels like a life time ago, has only been a couple of years.

Although I am a little thicker around the mid-section and maybe don't have the baby face I once had. I feel more empowered. Perhaps, the weight is a protective layer that I use to disarm people or to prevent from getting hurt (still working out the kinks on that). I truly feel more at peace.

And while my brother and friends' lives are truly going upward and onward, I no longer feel left behind, because mine isn't going at the same rate. I don't do comparison shopping the way I once did.

There is this song that I have found that has identified my emotion currently from Wicked called: Defying Gravity. The words to the song make me feel a close affiliation to it. Because for the first time, since I can remember, I am defying gravity, through my ability to be content with who I am-- flaws and all.