Toliet Seat War

Yes, Ladies and Gentleman the war has begun. No longer are the days of the cold war, or silent battles, the war has begun. Begun with whom you ask?

My toliet seat(s).

Yes, you heard me correctly, I am at war with my toliet seat. After 4 months and purchasing just as many toliet seats, because seemgingly these toliets seats seem to break on me after like 3 uses. This war is being declared, because I am sick of having to put out 20 dollars a pop on a seat that I know won't last long.

My last attempt occurred last month and much to my surprise, I was putting on the seat incorrectly the previous two times-- which caused for my seat to loosen and during very private, pivotal moments, that often help to push me and the seat off the center of the toliet before my time was up.

I thought after my last purchase of a retchid toliet seat that my worries were finally over. And for a while they were. The seat was securely fastened and I began to have zero worries of where I would end up if I made a slight turn or movement.

However, it seems that NOW the top half of my seat is broken! The top where the screws fasten into the seat to connect to the bottom half of the seat are now popping out and now cannot line up with the seat.

This is frustrating as hell, and these are moments where I wish I had a man in my life. I get that I should know how to do this shit myself, but to be honest, I really don't and I can't change that. What's more frustrating is that the last time I REALLY tried to do it correctly! Granted the bottom half of the seat is in place and now there are no more worries with that. Still, though, it would be nice to feel like I conquered one house duty that I challenged myself to accomplish.

I have faced the facts that I am horrible cook, an even worse cleaner, and know that the man I finally meet will have to be an incredibly wonderful person. However, the one thing I learned from my father is that toliet seat is the "Mans' Thrown". I mean how can I be the true king of my castle, if I can't get my thrown to obey me!

In my usual instinct to protest societies norm and expectations, I am refusing to change this seat until I absolutely have to. I am tired of shelling countle$$ amount$ of money on a damn seat that I know won't last more than 30 days.

Perhaps, I should just superglue the seat, what do you think?

You Go Bill Clinton!

This past weekend I contracted the flu, and BELIEVE ME there is nothing positive about having that experience. However, if there was a highlight to that nightmare, it was being able to view the interview Chris Wallace had with our former President, Bill Clinton.

First, let me start by stating that I hate Fox News. I think their reporting style is nothing like their slogan "Fair and Balanced". In actuality, their style of telling the news is skewed, terribly critical of the Democratic Party, and often reveres President Bush and the Republican party up to this bar where they are never wrong-- even when it so blatantly obvious that they are.

Second, I hate Chris Wallace. Always have dislliked him. His reporting style when he was on ABC was often pompus, cocky and as a interviewer he is terribly swarmy-- just like his father. So, now that he is on Fox news, where they promote this type of poor reporting style, its only natural that he would feel right at home.

There is no question that Bill Clinton made mistakes in his administration, and I don't doubt that he made errors when it came to Bin Laden. However, is it really necessary to put the total blame on him and his administration? Especially when his successsor spend almost half the time he was in office the first nine months on various vacations?

I think Clinton's anger and his ability to speak so eloquently, even after he was so frustrated by Wallace's blatant attempt to accuse him for 9/11 was nothing less than superb. He spoke for all us intelligent people in the world who are sick of being terriorized by the terrorism propoganda that Bush's adminstration-- to quote a phrase another republican nutjbo known as Ann Coluter used in her disgusting book-- loves to marinate the world with.

I am tired of people like Chris Wallace who are so incredibly disrespectful to our past Presidents' from the Democratic Party, because he works for the devil (that would be Ruppert Murdoch).

So, it was nice for me to see Clinton-- the one person that all Democrats hold in high regard-- speak up against the biast Fox performs on a daily basis against the liberal party and people. Clinton, of all people, by protesting his anger at the state of our country, I hope will encourage other liberal leaders to make more of an effort to take control of the congress and senate once again, and give us all hope that there will be a shift from this horrendous downward spiral our country has been experiencing since his lackluster successor and his adminstration started since they took power.

McSleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyy

I am sure you all remember the tale that the former Governor, of New Jersey, Jim McSleazy-- OOOPS-- Jim McGreevey, on a weekday afternoon, had a news conference, and came out to the world as being gay.

The shock and wonder of the world--over his sexuality, negated the fact that this man, committed violations in his office by putting his "ex" (lover, not lover.. depends on whom you ask) in the high position of Homeland Security officer of his state of NJ. Additionally, this man was also under a cloud of suspicion for a variety of other reasons pertaining to how he conducted himself in office, beyond the position he gave his "ex"-- and being blackmailed by him-- that ultimately forced him to resign, and of course while doing so say that he is a "Gay American".

Now, lets fast forward from that day to the day he is on Oprah's couch.

Admittedly, I only have watched/watching 24 minutes of this show, but I am completely disgusted by this man once again.

This man cannot consider himself a human being, no less than a "Gay American". How dare he associate with my culture after all the horrendous things he has done and do it all in the name of not being able to deal with his sexuality.

It disgraces me that this man, because he came out as a "Gay American," has not, since admittiming this news to America, faced any persecution for the actions he had committed toward the citizens of his state, through his abuse of power.

As a GAY AMERICAN, I am offended that he used his own sexuality to deflect and difuse a situation, all in the name of being able to not come out the closet sooner.

In addition, this man has wrote a book.. Something called "Confessions". I encourage no one to buy this book. I don't believe as Oprah stated to him on her show that this book will "help so many people". I feel, rather, his book and his notarity, only further pushes people to feel entitled to using their sexuality as a reason for questionable and poor behavior.

I realize that we all have our journey-- especially speaking about our own sexuality--, however, this man I feel hasn't really delved into his sexuality and already feels entitled to be OUR spokesperson.

What really gets my goat evenmore is this man has found love with another man, and living in his HISTORIC MANSION in NJ. Its disgraceful. It makes you wonder about what the reality is for people like him, and why some people like McSleazy feel entitled to so much, even after they have done so much harm.

I am not advocating that the world should throw rocks on him as he passes down the street, but this is ridiculous.

He committs crimes while in office, comes out as gay, writes a book about being gay, and then Oprah warmly embraces her on her couch, and all is forgiven.

What ever happened to integrity, honor, and self-respect-- none of which I believe this man possesses. Who is he to talk about a double life, or about being gay, when this man only used his sexuality, only to deflect the world from the crimes he personally committed, all in the name of being "GAY".

I am disgusted that this man is a part of my culture. He doesn't deserve to be. I am disgusted that this man can find love so easily, after coming out of the closest after such a short time and then dares to advocate to the world on how to be a happy gay male. I am disgusted that this person appears to have no moral scruples and actually feels entitled to the riches that are bound to come his way after writing this farce of a book.

Here are my final words.

He has a book coming out, don't buy it-- even if Oprah deems worthy to read.

He isn't our spokesperson. We gays have integrity, honor, and respect for ourselves, and this man does not.

He seems to have always taken the path of least resistance, and probably has always done so in his life.

One final word, as Oprah was performing her interview, a caption from the local news station appeared across the T.V. It said- I kid you not-- "Local Woman Catches A Big Lizard". Perhaps, that should have been the titled of his book, as it is not only seem to summarize the events that lead up to him coming out, but describes who he is as a human being.

Gym Update... Flashes of a Polaroid

*Sigh*

Why can't someone just see how beautiful you are on the inside, and not care about your physicality?

I know, I know.. I do the same exact thing. It seem inuitive for us to do so-- doesn't it? We rank everything about a person by their looks, what kind of job they have, and what's in their retirement portfolio?

And........

To be honest it seems reasonable enough that we do so. I can't blame someone who is sacrificing the foods that would rather have, in favor of dieting to get those toned muscles, etc. Why would they want to end up with someone, similar to myself, who has a flabby body at the moment?

Still.. some part of me wants an attractive guy to really be into me enough for me to know that going to gym isn't a pre-requisite for us to date.

As you can tell by my post thus far.. I am pretty frustrated with the gym. I am finally starting to see minor signs of improvement on my body. However, everytime someone takes my picture, and I see them, I completely cringe and feel like I am not getting anywhere.

When I was 23-26, I had shedded those much needed extra lbs. that I had gained in undergrad and got skinny enough to really feel really attractive. However, now that I am done graduate school (and I also have extra lbs. from that experience), I am finding it harder and harder to shed those lbs. More importantly, my diet is actually becoming harder to control since starting my working routine.

What is a gay guy to do? I am not saying this to scare off men, but I do want to settle down before I hit my scary age of 35-- and while its still 6 years away--, I feel that I need my goal body now to ensure that can occur.

I really don't know how I have gone this long with this distortion in how I look to the outside world. I feel like I have been viewing myself as a swan, but in reality, I am resembling a troll.

Don't feel bad for me, I am not feeling bad for myself, just frustrated!

I am just so sick of metabolism, I am sick of working out--sweating like a pig-- while feeling no real result, and honestly, feeling less and less attractive to myself.

I mean, afterall, if you don't find yourself a catch, who else will?

I do realize that no one can give me the answers I need. I need to find them within my own self and save my own identity if I want to make progress with any goals that I have.

It just feels like after each item I have proven to myself I can accomplish, I seem to be failing miserably at controlling the way own body looks.

Any input is always appreciated.

Milestones

Today, I have been thinking a lot about the word "Milestone". The mere mention of the word makes me think of a series of other words that are often associated with it, such as: integrity, strength, adversity, accomplished, and happy.

However, despite my thinking of these words associated with Milestone, I know that none of these words do it much justice. When someone achieves a milestone, its more than a special occassion, its sometimes a miracle that has occurred inside a person's own psyche-- that they never thought could ever be done.

When I was in first grade, my teacher Mrs. Thomas, in her always pleasant demeanor, told my mother, in so many words, as I sat there in my desk in that classroom that I wasn't able to keep up with the other children in my class.

Without truly understanding what she was saying, I knew by the tone of her comments and the expression on my Mother's face that this was something--right or wrongly--that made me less of a person than those I surrounded.

Pretty much from that moment, my Mother and I would sit at our kitchen table night after night going over my homework and that days lessons in my classes .

Despite all the effort, I just couldn't get the information to my brain as quickly as my peers and, as a result, my self-esteem often sunk even lower.

This pattern has seemed to have followed me well into my adolescent and adult life. Except, at some point, instead of always falling behind, I was constantly ahead. I was achieving scholarships and awards, getting straight A's by the eighth grade (still one of my very proudest moments in life, because I achieved this while my parent's were going through a nasty divorce), and being acknowledge by family members as being "the smart one."

The truth was, however, is that I continued to feel like an idiot. I still couldn't grasp everything as quickly as I wanted and felt I had to spend endless amounts of time-- much more than my peers-- studying, so I could understand half as much as they did with ease.

In college, it was the same pattern. I spent endless hours in the library, much more than my friends, studying all weekend, every weekend, so I would never fall behind.

Although, I began to have more of a social life during those years, it often came at the price of not getting the top grades I so desperately wanted.

When I finally achieved my Bachelor's Degree, I knew I had done something remarkable, but I felt like I didn't perform well enough during my time there to be truly proud of my accomplishment.

So, when I finally took the time to go to Graduate School, at the IVY League university I also work, I felt very intimidated and apprehensive about it, because I felt I was going to fall behind and be disappointed with myself once again.

I have to admit that it was a struggle, and often very painful for me, because the competition was so intense, I felt alot of the time like I was only going to fall flat on my face.

But I didn't.

This week, I finally received part of the validation I have been chasing my entire life, by graduating (with a very high GPA) from the IVY league institution I attended for Graduate School.

Receiving my Master's Degree, although I realize could never completely fulfill the whole I have in my self-esteem, I feel that this achievement is a miracle, and is a big start, for me, to me overcome the inferiority I feel with my intelligence.

And that, to me, beyond achieving the degree, is the biggest miracle/milestone that I have ever achieved.

5 Years Later...........................

It amazes me that 5 years has past since the biggest tragedy our nation has ever experienced occurred.

Today, I began to think about that day dark day 5 years ago.

How panicked I was that I wasn't able to get a hold of my one friend who was set to fly to San Francisco that day from my east coast town location.

How all I wanted to do is call my Mom and make sure that she was ok, and have her tell me that everything would ok, like she did when I was a child.

How I saw all the college aged students where I work having tears coming down there cheeks as they saw the events unfold on television.

These are memories you can never forget and ones that I know I shouldn't.

9/11 was such a horrible moment in history, it harmed innocent people, and damaged the morale of a city I absolutely adore.

Experiencing 9/11 helped to give me a better understanding of what occurs across the world when wars are fought on their land, and made me realize how grateful I am to be living in a country that contains so much peace and freedom.

The lives that we all have our so precious and should never be taken for granted.

It really makes your appreciate how valuable life is, and how you must treasure every moment you have!

Take Me Out To The Ballgame, Or Maybe NOT.

There has been quite the debate between me and my friend Chris for months now about whehter a guy, who wears a baseball cap, is a direct determinent of my attraction towards them.

Of course, I refuse(d) to believe that I would be instantly attracted to a man because they chose to wear a hat the night that I met them.

Turns out Chris was actually right.

The other night I had a revelation. As I was drinking one too many Coronas, so I could tolerate the cat scratching (aka. a bunch of men singing sappy love songs out of tune) that was occurring at my favorite bar, I began to see many, many, many men that I was instantly attracted too. Ones that I thought were so HOT, and in my constant stares at some of these guys, one of them in particular caused me to wake up to what Chris has been telling me for months.

This "guy" had dark hair, tall and had a nicely shape body (not too big and not too small-- yuck to both ends of that curve). As this "male" made his way past my table, I thought my tongue was going to drop out from the panting that I was performing internally.

That is, until, I realize this was no male. This was a woman!

Granted, this woman (most definitely a lesbian), could definitely be mistaken for the male species to the naked eye-- about the amount of distance I first saw her from, to be exact. However, in my instinctual attraction to baseball caps, this resulted in me being caught way off guard.

This wasn't the only bizarre instance that occurred with baseball caps that evening. I saw a REAL boy wearing one and thought he was a definite cutie, and actually felt we had met before.

Turns out that we have met, and it wasn't a good experience.

This male who I was making googely eyes toward works out at my gym and who, btw, I have despised since the moment I met him. Whenever I have been at the gym, he has ignored my friendly nods or attempts of being nice towards him. Now, this wouldn't be a problem if he was a complete stranger, but he isn't. He and I actually at some point had the same trainer and have worked out together!

How could you ignore someone that you have sweat with so much? Its just plain rude! I mean, really, don't you think so?

After I had these two different experiences. I realized why I have this attraction to men in baseball caps, and I came to one conclusion:

They are unattainable and a challenge for me. And like most people ,I love conquering a challenge, and this is one that I haven't yet been able to overcome.

These guys are so hot to me because, most of the men I have dated who wear caps, have been complete assholes towards me. As a result, like most idiots in the world, I am determined to do anything to get control over them and win this battle I have with my head and heart and their's.

Its funny to actually realize your own pattern-- especially when one of your close friends sees it before you do.

Having these experiences and having this revelation has left me to succumb to one thing:

Break the pattern.

How will I do this (because I do find men irrestible in caps-- OH MY GOD-- THEY ARE HOT!)?

I have no idea, but I am going to attempt to make a start at it-- and hopefully not develop a new pattern while doing this process!!

Have any ideas on how to be successful on breaking it-- I am willing to try anything!

Oh Will You Please Shut The Hell Up!

I have to admit that the last few weeks have been very trying on my psyche. So, in response, I am dedicating this blog to all those people-- some famous; some not so much-- who I feel who need to be told to shut the hell up. The truth is that these people are just taking up space and suffocating us all, and they need to shut up for a moment, so the rest of us normal people can have a break.

I hope you enjoy my rant!

#10. Britney and "K-Fed": I have had enough of these two morons. No one cares about what kind of mother she is or what kind of street cred. this sperm donor/wanna be rapper has, or how "Chaotic" their lives are. Instead of hearing Britney's song "Toxic" being played on the radio, perhaps a toxic rainstorm--filled with acid-- should hover over their house and dissolve them both from the earth. Perhaps, if the rainstorm is so inclined it can do it on an evening when the trashy couple is having a party that includes: Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, and Mischa Barton. I mean none of these people take up that MUCH space, so I am sure the rest of the world won't miss them much!

#9. The Teller at Citizens Bank: Perhaps because I got there a little too early this morning to make a withdrawl from the bank account that contains my money, is the reason she made me stand 10 feet away from their front door while they prepared to open. Of course on an ordinary day this wouldn't have been a problem, but considering that two storms were colliding in my town, and rain was constant and large, she could have been a little more understanding. I mean, afterall, I didn't have an umbrella. I mean the b*tch was like "Back off". Who uses "Back Off" when talking to a customer?

Here's a tip teller lady when its raining, no one likes your attitude, so do the world a favor and shut the hell up.

#8. The Storms Ernesto and John: Can you please go into the ocean and leave the mid-atlantic states alone? Its been dreary in my town for weeks. We GET that you exist and that you are dangerous. Perhaps your mother's didn't treat you well when you were just tropical storms. However, there is no reason to take it out on the rest of society. Do the world a favor and just fade into the sunset.

#7. The Real World/Road Rules Conestants on MTV: I mean really, you people need to leave your 15 minutes of fame already. I would say you should leave it gracefully, but we all know that ship sailed once you decide to go beyond your tenor on that season of the show you were on. I could care less what kind of drama you have with X person from Y season. Your days of partying til 3 am., and having sex with everyone in sight is over. I mean, aren't some of you people approaching 40, and kind of, semi-experienced that in college? Get a life, and get out of mine.

#6. Jesus Christ FOR Later Day Saints Leader Warren Jeffs and his members: Do you really think God intended for a male to have 15 wives and 300 children? Really, I mean, do you REALLY? What kind of world do you live in where you think this is normal? Whatever happened to religion being supplemental to the life you are leading, and not it being the other way around. Let your women follow their dreams-- and here is a clue-- its not normal to have 15 kids in 8 years! Get a grip, get real, and shut the hell up.

#5. George Bush/ Rick Santorum: Need I say more? These men are the biggest TOOLS I have ever seen in my lifetime. Where are the weapons of mass destruction? Perhaps since I am gay, I can't see them, because I am committing a moral sin, right Santorum? The both of you need to admit to the world that your f*ck-ups as people.

Rick: You need to admit the reason you hate gays so much is because you are an ignorant asshole. Also, stop putting on commericals against Bob Casey that are insulting to your voters. Like: "This paper says I am too liberal."

Here's a clue Rick: the day that you are too liberal or associated with the liberal party is the day that hell has frozen over, pigs are our number one airline, and the day we find those weapons of mass destruction.

Speaking of WMDs: Bush we all know that the history books are going to acknowledge you the same way we view you now. As a stupid f**ck. Stop masking the world of your failures by stating that historians will honor you-- you know the truth is that they won't.

Bush and Santorum do the world the favor and Shut the HELL UP!

#4. To all those people who think computer expert means you are omnicient. In particular, to the person I assisted the other day. Hello, sweetie, when you bring in a 3 year old G4 that you inherit and your DVD drive doesn't work, that isn't my fault. Perhaps, if you took better care of the machine, or thought.. hmm.. this is old and I inherited it--there could be problems-- maybe you wouldn't be surprised when you put a DVD in, it wouldn't come out. This isn't I dream of Genie sweetheart, I can't fold my hands together, blink my eyes, and make all your problems go away. So, please just shut the hell up already, ok?

#3. Sprint PCS-- my cell phone carrier-- I am SO sick of your ripping me off on my phone bill. Why must I have to write, call you each month and ask you why my bill is increasingly growing, eventhough I never go over my minutes, and I have unlimited texting? I hate your two year contracts, I hate your customer service representatives and I hate how you discontinue to carry chargers a second after you sell somoene one of your crappy phones. Do me a favor: Have someone take over your company, that knows how to run a company and shut the hell up.

#2. To my Boss and every other boss in America that doesn't understand the meaning of the word busy. Here's a clue from Webster's website:

1 a : engaged in action : OCCUPIED b : being in use
2 : full of activity : BUSTLING
3 : foolishly or intrusively active : MEDDLING
4 : full of distracting detail

So, when you call me when and I tell you I am busy and you expect me to still drop the world for you, perhaps you can take the time to look and see what the word of busy means. And no, I cannot delegate these duties to other people when I have a 20 minute break in a 14 hour day-- especially when you helped to make my schedule that way. So, why don't take the time to look up busy and memorize its meaning.. And, oh, by the way, shut the hell up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#1. Professor Michael Tracy (the professor who exposed the JonBenet Killer or so it seemed): Is it ok if I smacked that smirk off of your face yet? You are not important and you should feel nothing but shame about how you exploited this poor young girl's death. You make me sick. The arrogance that you portrayed toward Larry King on his show--one of the world's most prestigous and fair reporters that I have ever seen was disgraceful. You don't get any credit for anything you have done, and you don't deserve any.

There should be zero acknowledgement towards your research, because the moment the reporters came knocking, you acted like you were so great, and guess what your NOT! You are a disgraceful human being, and I feel terrible for the wide-eyed students who have to take your classes in Colorado. Perhaps you should hold a course teaching people on how to shut the hell up.

In closing, this is only a caption of people I want to tell to shut the hell up. I know someone wants to tell me to shut the hell up by now, and so I will.

Dances With Woof

It seems that there is a rare breed of the male species that exist in our world. This man is: Smart, Handsome, Motivated and Successful, in some aspect of his life. He is also honest, caring, compassionate, and someone you can actually connect with and can manage to have a enjoyable evening with.

This rare male species is known as a "Catch".

Apparently, these type of men are a rare breed, becasue I, yet again, had a dating experience that is worth putting in the record books.

A few weeks ago, while my bar buddy (my friend Chris) was out of the country, decided to go to a place that I haven't been in a really long time-- Two-step Friday nights. Two-step Friday nights, as I mentioned in my blog "Closure", is an event that is somewhat popular event in my gay community.

Many men, all in their early thirtys or above, come out, perform line dances, and in the rare occassion-- when the song comes on in the bar-- slow dance with one another. To this day, since I have embraced my sexuality, have never seen another event where two males actually can slow dance together.

Its actually quite romantic, special and unique, if you take the time to think about it.

So, when, this handsome gentlemen saw me drinking my corona and approached me to "ask me to have this dance" with him, I couldn't help but to be flattered.

The dance was pleasant, and we decided to exchange numbers and meet up sometime the next week.

Throughout that week, we talked many times via Instant Messenger and the Phone. We talked about our interest, dislikes, etc., and it really felt I finally (FINALLY) found someone I could connect with.

Before the night we met up, I decided to even put on some cologne, because I really wanted to impress this guy.

Turns out it wasn't worth the effort.

We met up for dinner at this restaurant/coffee shop near my apt. When he entered, I felt the butterflies jump from my tummy to my throat with in an instant.

As the evening progressed, we had an even better evening than we did the night we danced. I was getting to really feel like this could go somewhere..

Until..

UNTIL!!!!!!!!

He made this comment that was definitely an attempt to impress me, but wound up scaring me off BIG TIME.

Right before we received the check from dinner he says:

"I just want to tell you that I think you are so sexy-- WOOF".

WOOF?

What am I some sort of cocker spanial, beagle, or dalmation?

I mean really, WOOF?

Queue my internal thoughts after he made that comment.

::Meep, Meep-- Swoosh:: (Road Runner)
::As If!:: (Alicia Silverstone-- Clueless)
::WHAT THE M#TH!R F*CK:: (ME)

Why is it so difficult to meet a decent guy?

One that I can laugh with?

Or one that at least won't make barking noises to express his attraction towards me?

Really, I am not THAT picky..

Ok, maybe I am...

However, don't I deserve to be?