Self-Awareness

There are many moments in my life where I feel like I walk around in a huge haze. This started at an early age. When I was a child my Dad even nicknamed me (hate this name to do this day, and resent him somewhat for coming up with it) "foggy." This poor way of acknowledging your child's way of thinking, isn't something that should be replicated-- ever..

Hear that all you parents?.. Good!

However, there are moments in our lives where we really have to wonder why is it, at times, we lack self-awareness.

Granted, I have never been one that hasn't been made aware about my faults.. They consist of the following: high voice (for a male), overweight, poor dresser, and being gay.

Hmm.. Being gay... Funny, I mention that, huh?.. Feel like a story is coming.. If so, you're right!

For the past 4 days, I have been in the very isolated (VERY) location of Toledo, OH. for a conference. Each year, as part of my job, I come to this conference to get information/ideas on how to my job. This year, it was here-- next year its in San Diego-- I can't WAIT!

Anyway, back to the story.. As part of any of these trips, there is one day you can use for an excursion. The trip I chose was to this amusement park-- about an hour and an half away from where we are.

When I arrived I noticed a lot of gays in this park.. Many more than I expected for a midwest state ( I didn't say I was naive; I am not self-aware-- stick with me). Apparently from finding out from a very friendly older gentlemen, this day was "gay day" for Ohio.. Yes, the entire state. Not the city.. THE STATE.. YIKES!

Giddy with delight, I began to travel around the park, to check out the adorable men, and rode the rockin rollercoasters that are there. As we began to quiet down, we played a game where you try to get a key ring down a spiral piece of metal-- the game isn't as easy as it looks-- trust me.

As my friend to began to play the game.. The gentlemen ( I use the term loosely here), began to ask me about how do "you people know how to get here on the same day". I politely replied "I'm not here for gay day, I am here because I am here for a conference."

As the conversation progresses he turns around and says rather bluntly: "I knew this was gay day before I was told because I saw some of you people joking around about humping the monkey dolls I have here."

My reaction was indifference, and confusion. For those of you who may not understand, there is this HUGE tall tale out there that HIV was created from someone ( a gay male) having sex with a monkey. The theory is way off. I don't work for the CDC, but I am sure that isn't the reason.

I am mad about this on so many levels:

I am mad at the boy who said this comment.

I am mad that I am stuck in a state/city/town that would condone this behavior, and has no sign of every changing it.

I am mad that OHIO gays (and other Midwest gays for that matter) have to live in these conditions day after day, and have to live their lives literally from the trenchess. Midwest boys, you have my complete empathy and support.

i am mad that our country deems to call homosexual marriage a sancity to its meaning. Yet millions of straight people get married every day, and half them wind up in divorce court before their 5 year anniversary.

However, what I am most mad at is the fact that I didn't think on my toes. I could have with my IVY League education, combatted this young man on his ignorant statement. However, as always, I was completely so unaware of what happened, that by the time I did find out.. I was MAD and it was too late.

My Mom once told me that a "world without ignorance, isn't a society filled with people (I am sure she got this from someone else-- not sure though)." Despite wherever it came from, its a very real statement. However, I just wish I wasn't so lost in the translation of society so MUCH.

The Caste System

I have always wonder how the Caste System ever came to be? It seems to me it has been a long, traditional, practice in many cultures.

However, I didn't realize this system gets practiced among so many families.

For the longest time, I thought this elitest structure only existed in my family. Growing up, it was always well-known that my Gradmother came from "old money". Meaning, that her family became very wealty many moons ago. However, after my Grandmother decided to marry below her "class", her parents' limited their contact with her.. i.e., made her surivive on her abilities, while her parents provided more of an appropriate lifesytle for their other children.

As time moved on from this "controversey" (in other words, her parents' passing), faded, her brothers and sisters began to have contact with her. They often invited us to annual Christmas parties and graduaions, etc. However, each time we went there, we were reminded of how poor we were, and how we never "measured up" to them.

This family often would make remarks, and often belittled my immediate family. It was rather infuriating, and often caused me and my brother many self-esteem issues.

Things became so bad that one of my distant cousins came up to us one year at a Christmas party in front of my mother, and said to me "You're part of the poor side of the family." Which was followed by mother telling this cousin that he was part of "the ugly side of the family."

After that moment, we weren't invited to another "family event" for 7 years.

When I became an adult, I told myself that I would never go to one more of their events, or allow myself to be made to feel inferior toward these people. However, I failed to realize that my Father would want for me to go to these events, and how much is feelings would pull on my heart strings.

So, I decided, like an idiot, to go the latest family event this extended family decided to have. Partly because many years ago, my brother and I made a secret agreement that we would take turns going to them by ourselves (and my turn was up), and because I felt it was the right thing to do.

As soon as I arrived, it was a disaster. We were ignored, and comments we made where either met with deaf ears, or perplexity. For instance, my immediate cousin told my grandmother's sister that her brother graduated from college last year. Which was repeated many, many, many times. "College, really, College, really, College.. hmm"..

WHAT A BITCH.

This reminded of a flashback by another relative's response when I told him that I graduated college. The response was, "you graduated high school". My response "College, you know that thing people go to after they COMPLETE high school".

Maybe I am having many flashbacks to my childhood and the helpless I felt when I was in their prescence. However, I can't help but let their ignorance get to me once again. Although this time I didn't display it, I can honestly say that I wanted to.

I realize their ignorance and feelings of superiority will never fade. However, I can't help but to wonder how they can walk around each day making people feel less than they are.. .

What I do know for certain is that their posture and their conscious can't be very good.

Who Am I?/ Where Do I Belong?

These are questions that often enter our psyche through books, movies, and television. And by the end of these various forms of entertainment, you get this warm, fuzzy, feeling because they usually end on this very happy moment when the person really belongs to wherever they belong, and have the warmth and love of the world on their side.

I have never been a fan of this type of storytelling.

I feel that they tend to make light of some very serious questions, that some people, including myself, have about themselves.

Its no secret that I have been wondering about this questions since I have come out of the womb. I have many, many friends in this world because I know its a result of trying to figure out who exactly I fit in with. However, as with most efforts in my life, I never really find the answer.

Don't get me wrong, I have been blessed with many people in my life who are great people (friends, family, my cat), its just that I don't really feel truly apart of any realm of people I am around. There is always an element to myself that is lost whenever I am hanging out with my various circles. Its as if I am there 100% physically, and only 90% emotionally.

Its hard being the odd man out, because you literally have no one else to share you angst with. Perhaps, I am too guarded in every social situation. Perhaps, its a normal behavior we all have about ourselves. I really don't what the reason is, but I can tell you the pain of it somedays is almost too much to bear.

Whats the solution to a problem when the problem is yourself?