Freaks/Geeks/And Everything In Between

Ever since I have move out on my own, there has always been one chore that bothers me, above any chores I have to do in this world. This chore is food shopping. Its something in my head that I know I need to do, but always find a waste of time and aggrivating. Waste of time, because I would like to be doing other things with my time. Aggrivating, because the groceries I buy never fit into my cart, I always run into the three or four bumps on the sidewalk on my way home, and I live on the 3rd floor, and my building has no Elevators.. Enough said.

Unfortunately, most recently, my dating life has begun to mirror my most dreadful chore. I have been on a multitude of dates, and while some of them have been not awful, there are a couple that made me re-evaluate whether I should take a subbatical from the dating world.

One date I had a week an half ago was bizarre because the guy I went on the date with, wound up freaking out over me owning a cat. He said that he doesn't like animals-- according to him they are "hairy, disgusting and messy." Considering the fact that I am animal lover and this guy pretty much became fixated on me owning a cat. We have stop all contact.

The other date that makes me want to hide under the covers from dating, is one that involves the previous post I made. In my last post, I discussed how being blindsighted by someone who had romantic feelings, who I have seen out (barely spoke to) for about 6 months. In my post, I wondered if there was an alterior motive or intentions, etc.

Well.. It turned out that I was right to suspect something. It turned out the guy was nuts. I know what you must be thinking: He's exaggerating.. Well, I am not.

Last Tuesday (when he told me his feelings) and Wednesday evening, seemed to be progressing nicely with this nice guy, who was a doctor at a local hospital, that my Mother also happens to work at. He's very handsome-my friends joked, saying that he resembles Nick Lachey-- not quite as cute, but very cute nonetheless.

Things progressed nicely, up until I asked him what his intentions are. I know, I know, bad idea- however, he told me when we met up Tuesday evening that he was leaving in 6 months and moving to South Carolina. He also mentioned to me about being somewhat of a player, so I really didn't want to go down a path that was going to leave me played, or didn't have any potential beyond physical.

Well, from there he flips out. Saying Fine We'll just be friends, then goes onto to accuse me of stalking him, accusing me as not being as busy as I claim to be (he asked why I wasn't out so much, and I said I was busy with school and work), and then said that he should talk to my Mom about how I treat boys.

Yeah, A real winner.

What's really disturbing is that he would have me be like "What are you talking about?" "Why are you saying these things?" and he would follow up like 2 minutes later with a "hehehehehe". He then would turn around and ask me if we could be friends, and I said no because I said in order for any relationship to exist it needs to have a foundation of faith and trust, and I don't trust you.

I would follow this up by saying:

I appreciate your honesty
I am sure you are great person and friend
However, I can't trust you
Its probbably more to do with me and then you
I have nothing against, and I wish you the best
Take Care

I said this at least 4 times to him, and his rebuttal each time is what "Why can't we be friends?" "What can he do to make this better?", and I would tell him he didn't need to do anything. I just think its better that we don't become friends, mainly because I thought he was a nutjob, but also because I felt like I couldn't trust him. If I can't trust you, I can't be your friend. Its what I believe and its my life, and my choice, and I know some people may disagree with that (including this guy), but its the way I feel it had to be.

Anyway, it ended with him saying that I am "Too angry to talk to about anything" I responded: "I am frustrated because I keep telling you the same thing over and over again, and you're not getting what I am trying to tell you." After that, he signed off of our IM conversation.

Since then I have seen his friends, they have no idea what happened between us, and I feel funny talking to them, because I know they are his friends- but I don't want to be impolite either.

Its one giant mess- and it only lasted 2 days. Dating sucks, Men Suck, and I feel like if my dating world continues to be this way, I might have to remain celibant for life.

Please tell me that I am not the only out there that has experienced these type of wackjobs!

Playing the Field/ Knowing The Game.

Dating is a disaster for me.

I have always been unable to read the right signals, and always, without fail, I let my nerves get the best of me, which can result in royally screwing up a nice evening, and my chances for a second date.

The game between me and that potential special someone has always been difficult as well. When I seem to think that the person likes me- they don't, or when I think that they don't like me- they wind up liking me afterall.

This has happened often in my lifetime, and yesterday it happened again.

Currently, I am in a midst of a rain forest of dating opportunities. Over the past few weeks, I have gone on about a half dozen dates and I have about 3 more this week (I know.. Crazy). Considering that the past 4 months have been like living in the Sahara... This is a welcomed addition to my life. I am actually enjoying meeting new people, and have not been tired of experiencing the plentiful of bad dates.

Yesterday, I had an unexpected date with someone who I didn't even know thought I was cute. I was online last night, in a chatroom (yes, I was being a little naughty), and I see this guy, who my one friend thought was cute a while back, but nothing ever evolved from it. I have seen this guy out at the local watering hole for us gay people in the city, so I figured I say a friendly hello.

Almost immediately after that.. The fliriting begins-- of course initiated by him.

Things progress nicely, and then he says.. Let's meet for coffee. He stated that he a terrible cold prreviously in our conversation, and said he was willing to forgoe his pain from the cold, to meet up with me. Real charmer....

We meet up. He's handsome, smart, very nice... A Total catch, with just one catch.. He kind of comes off as a player. The whole player thing just annoys me, and I don't know yet whether its a front or really who he is. Afterall, he confessed to me how adorable he thought I was.. So, it could be a protective shell he is caring on himself, to avoid being hurt. I don't know yet-- Men are hard to predict.

Also, we meet at place that he frequents- so everyone under the sun knows who he is. Which, of course, made it harder for us to get to know each other.

Although he previously told me that he was a player in our IM dialogue, at the coffee shop, I have to say that he was very timid and very shy. Conversation wasn't strained, but I think it was a shock to both of our systems that we were meeting up. And besides...... I try to never reveal too much about myself on a first date....

He did say to me a couple of times how he couldn't believe "that I didn't know that he was checking me out." Again, this is where the density with me and romance comes in.. I did notice that he was starting at me, but I thought he was being friendly- or someone who couldn't blink- either way, I never thought it was a romantic stare.

We ended the evening on a semi-climatic note. Since he was sick, I gave a faux hug, and I went on my merry way. When I got in, of course I went back to the chatroom to see if he was there.. And he was.... Is he really a player? He told me that I had competition-- again, another problem with me is that I am not a competitor.. If you want me -fine, if not, see you later.... I did mention that in a joking way, but I wonder if it threw him for a loop or not?

So, I have my friend, who was also online IM him and see what he thought, etc. I know its Swarmy, but I I don't care.. I wanted to know. Of course he gave ambiguous answers (said how he didn't want to hurt me, but had a good time, doesn't know where it will go-- blah, blah, blah, blah, snor, blah, snor, blah, snor, etc.).

What I am wondering is where to go next? I like this guy on some level and there is an attraction, but I don't want for him to play me. I don't want to have relations with him, thinking there is more to it than just the relations. I am mature adult and if that is only what he wants, then I wouldn't be heartbroken about it (considering I am dating other people, myself). However, I don't want to be played for a fool.

So, audience (you), tell me how I should play this. I don't want to give him too much control or think that I am stalking him, but at the same time, I am intrigued, attracted and would like to see where this thing could take us. I guess what I am asking is how do I play this right. How can I get the information I want, without ending up with pie on my face?

Any suggestions would be awesome.

Fat Ass Boyfriend?!?!?!

I can't deny that I have gained weight. I also can't deny that I would like to lose most of the weight I gained and be toned. However, for the time being, I have been able to live with how I look, in order to be able to finish my grad. degree. Since I am a perfectionist (and most studies will validate what I am about to say,) there is one area, in a perfectionist life, that manages to fall to the waistside. For me, it has been my physical fitness, and I have chosen that because I know that eventually (someday soon), I can go back to it and become toned once again-- or at the very least more fit than I am currently.

To give you an image about myself, I don't consider myself to be unhealthy with my extra weight. I would like to classify it as not taking two seats on a bus, rather, its more like there is a pleasant blumpnes to me.

You must be wondering why I am mentioning this to you? Well... You're about to find out...

Last night, I went out with a friend of mine to have a drink. My friend recently broke up with his longtime boyfriend, and it wasn't done in the most idealistic way, and last night they decided to meet up and discuss a few things. Being the good friend that I am, I decided to meet up with him after their encounter, to be sure to keep his mind off of the situation, or lend an ear to him (whatever he wanted.)

So, we go to a local, well-know gay bar near my apt., and we just sit at a table and talk for a good half hour, not really paying attention to our surroundings. Until we noticed, this guy and his fag hag, staring at my friend. Although we noticed this, we just joked about it, etc., and didn't take it too seriously.

Well, just before he leaves, he gives my friend a note that said: "Call me if you ever get rid of your fat ass boyfriend."

Obviously he was referring to me. To say that I was insulted is putting it midly. Like I have said before, I realized I put on weight, and I realize that I need to loose a few lbs ( I want to do this for me, not anyone else), however, what gives him the right to put that on a note to someone who my friend at the very least has a friendly tie with.

The guy of course rushed out of the bar, before I had time to confront him. -- Coward--

The gay community is very fit and dick conscious (the penis is allowed to be abundant, but not the tummy). I have come to learn this from the gay bible. However, its my body and my life and I know what I look like and I can't believe people in the world would judge you based on what you do with your own body. I can't deny part of my angst about this situation, results from a subconsicous-- ok, conscious-- level that I am unhappy with the way I look.

I really try to not think about my looks that much these days, because like I have said my primary focus is getting my grad. degree. However, there are times when I long for the days that I was skinner, etc. Sometimes, I really wish the world didn't judge you on face value. I can't say that I don't act the same way, but when the cruelty happens to you, it doesn't feel or taste quite as good as when you are dishing it out.

While I realize (and hope) that my situationi is temporary. I wonder how this will affect me in the future when I go out, or when I try to become intimate with someone. Will this assholes thoughts of me circulate through my brain until the point, I am so depressed that I don't eat, and *magically* loose the weight.

I hate to admit that I am someone at times who cares what others think of me, more than I think of myself. However, I guess that makes me human. I just hope that if I do ever become someone's boyfriend again, that he will not think of me as his "Fat Ass Boyfriend."

The Powers of Good And Evil

What makes a person good and what qualifies a person as being Evil?

This weekend this question has made me wonder quite a bit. A few years ago I had a falling out with someone who I considered a very good friend. I will add in the caveat that this friend, while was a good friend, often lied to me about everything. No matter what the situation was, he lied. He often lied about very frivilous things. For instance, he would lie about if he went out to a club the night before. Even though, you know that you saw him there, dancing with serveral people, the next day when you mentioned it to him, he would tell you that you were mistaken. Just one of those type of people.

Anyway, fast forward a couple of years. I fall for this guy-- HARD. So bad, that I couldn't even see outside of the situation to realize that he wasn't worthy of any of my affections. The guy knew my feelings and they weren't reciprocated (Which in the long run has been such a gift!) However, he often liked to flaunt the fact that I had feelings for him, and in my opinnion would often take advantage of my vulnerable feelings for him.

As the game of cat and mouse grew more and more tiresome, we often had very volatile arguments and in the end we walked away from each other. Although, I wanted to make this parting as friends amicable, this friend was too busy with "Gym obligations" to meet up with me to make this possible. Again, like I said a really horrible person. So, ever since our parting we have not even acknowledged each other's presence, despite the fact we live a street away from each other, go to the same bars, etc.

Since we have parted 3 years ago, there hasn't been any correspondence, other than the usual evil stares, until recently.

A friend of mine decided that it would be a good idea to gather all of his friends once a month at one of the local bars in our city. The idea is that he and all of his friends would meet at different bars once a month to get reaquainted with each other and just a have a good time. When I glanced over the evite to put down my maybe response (it was on the evening I had class), I noticed that this old friend that I had was on the evite list.

This I found disturbing on many levels. Primarily because I didn't realize that this friend was even friends with this guy, and the only connection they had that I knew of was by me. Second, my friend never mentioned to me that they were friends and he knew the situation. Although, I have moved on from the situation that occurred with the friend I had the "irreconcilible differences" with, I can't help but feel a little betrayed by the friend who never even bothered to mention that he was friends with this guy. I don't care that he is, just the idea that he would fail to mention this to me, makes me feel like there was some kind of deceit going on in his part.

Perhaps I am jumping the gun and I do realize this, but another one of my friends (who is also associated with the friend I feel a little slighted by) mentioned the whole situation of the friend I had the demise with years ago and asked what needs to be done to resolve the issue.

My natural response was "Why do you care?" and "Hell will need to freeze over to fix this situation." I can certainly live peacefully without having to deal with this friend and I don't feel the need to resolve any hard feelings that might exist with this situation.

This friend was like, I would like to resolve this issue between you. I said, I rather you didn't, etc, etc.

Basically, after that, we moved on, but now I don't know why this situation is coming back on the surface and why do other people care if there is a solution to the problem. I have made peace with the situation, so why do other people want to make peace with it themselves- especially since the problem doesn't involve them.

Frustraed and Confused, I am hoping that someone could give me some insight to the following things.

1.) Should I be upset with the friends that seem to be associating with him and never in three years mention this to me?

2.) Am I being selfish by not feeling the need to resolve the issue?

If anyone has insight on what I should do about this situation, please let me know!