Shaken Not Stirred

One of the very first and earliest memories that I have in my life is hanging out with a group of old ladies on my street. The laides, especially during the summer months, would congregate on one another's lawns with their beach chairs, form a circle, and just talk. It would be them talking about the world, and my 7 year old body. I never knew what they chatted about or understood what they were laughing about, but for some reaason I found solice hanging out with these older women. Perhaps it was because they gave me treats, or maybe it was because they would always tell me how cute I was, but I never felt more warm and safe.

This Childhood pattern has most definitely followed me througout my adult life. Although I have stopped hanging out with older women, I most certainly feel my soul is much older than my actual years of life. It makes me wonder how this has come to be? Most of my days lately have been filled with youthful activities, and I have made a real effort to get in touch with the fun side of my personality-- which I have neglected for FAR TOO LONG. However, despite my greatest efforts, I still feel much older than my time.

Most of my recent thoughts while I am out and about have been: "What happened on General Hospital?" "How nice it will be to laying in my bed, and by far the most scariest thought of all, "Where is my life going?"

This summer there is this expectation that I have put upon myself to finish my graduate school degree. While I am rather excited about this prospect, I am also exremely terrified. I am terrified of how to write my thesis, whether it will sound good, and whether I will run out of steam. More importantly, I am growing increasingly concered of what my life will be like once I have achieved this goal.

Part of me has grown accustomed to the idea of being able to hide behind my schoolwork. I have managed to use my graduate school education as a crutch for the excuses I have for my life. "I'm overweight because my schoolwork is so intense, that I have no time to go to the gym." "I can't do this with you Mom because I have schoolwork" or my favorite "I'm just too busy with my assignments to really look for a relationship."

Although I have found solice in using my education as a scapegoat for my life, I realize that this cannot continue. However, once I finish this big accomplishment, I am left to wonder whats in store for me next. Do I have a destination? Currently, I feel like my life has been circling the airport for many years now, and I am ready to get off the plane.

Everytime I think about whats next on the horizon for me, especially in L.O.V.E. department, I become very shaken about the prospect or the lack of prospects that may lie ahead.

I realize that fear is 90% perception and 10% of reality. However, right at this moment, I must say that this 90% has really Shaken me UP!

The Mirror Has Two Faces.....

When I was in Highschool, I befriended these identical twins. Both girls, at the time we were friends, were lovely women, and seemed to be able to balance the massive amount of attention they received for being the only twins at our school.

However, as I started to become closer to one of the girls, I realized this wasn't such an easy task for them to accomplish. My friend described to me how people would marvel at them as if they lived in some kind of bubble. She would describe to me how difficult it was to make "real" friends, and even told me a disturbing story of how after school one day when she was in 1st grade, she stood in the mirror and screamed "I'm NOT TARA OR SARA, I'M NOT TARA OR SARA".

This story has haunted me ever since she was brave enough to share it with me.

For the first time, I believe I know why.

Lately, I have been "seeing" this Minister, and while things are going ok, they certainly can be going better.

I feel like there is a part of me that I am holding back from him. It feels like as if I am being one person with him, but a slightly different person when he isn't around.

For instance: Tonight, when we tried to finalize plans of when we will get together, I acted cool, suave, and very laid back about the situation.

However, what was going through my mind was "MAKE A F**KING DECISION". Its isn't like its rocket science-- figure out when you have time!"

Ugh..

I realize dating requires much patience, but how much do you really need to have before you become in danger of losing grip of your identity and/or the situation at hand?

Somtimes You Just Can't Get THERE.

This is a subject that I have never thought I would ever need to broach with anyone in my life, but I am finding for some reason I need to now.

As you may remember I am "Seeing" the Minister. We have gone out quite a few times already and have already done the dirty more than once. However, last night, in my whole sexual career, I actually had difficulty with finishing the job.

What an embarrassing moment for me. Considering that I have never in my sexual history had such a problem. And it wasn't like the dirty wasn't good. It was great.. I just don't know why it was so difficult for me to finish the deed.

What may have only been minutes, seemed like hours to the both of us. Especially since he had gotten THERE well before I did.

I feel like this may have bruised his ego a bit. He remarked last night how incredible I was, and, I, of course, told him the same things. However, when I told him this he kept on remarking about how he thought he wasn't doing his best for me, and that he thought I felt he wasn't that good.

My natural reaction, and the truth, was to constantly tell him that this wasn't the case. However, the more I protested his insecurities, it felt like the more I was actually exaserbating them.

What can I do now?

I can't exactly pinpoint the reason why it was so difficult for me to get there.

Maybe It was the heat in my apt.

Maybe was the lack of room on my couch

Maybe it was that we have become more intimate--- and maybe... this has scared me a little.

Maybe its none of the above.

Maybe it is all the above.

All that I do know is that I don't want this to happen to me again, and I am so scared that it will. Especially, since I don't know why it even happened at all...

What should I do-- HELP!!!!

The Unknown

I have never been a believer that patience is a virtue.

Nor, have I been one who can deal with the unknown (surprises, etc.). In the life that I have led, dealing with the unknown has always been more of a liability than a asset, and in the end, I have always always wound up experiencing something painful, that often causes me to supress the memory.

Curious about why I am telling you this?

Well.. Needless to say that the Unknown has circumvent my life once again. In my most recent quest for romance, I have seem to have met a very charming man-- a Minister! However, when it comes with not knowing where it is going or where it will lead scares me.

I am trying so hard to go with the flow, and tonight I feel like I am making progress. I told the guy that I am "Seeing" that if he wants to see me this weekend, that he will have to make the arrangements.

This is HUGE for me.

Usually, I am the one who makes all the contact, all the plans when it comes to our gatherings.

To say that I am nervous about this is an understatement!

What if he doesn't call me?

What if he does call me and never shows up?

What will I do with myself until he calls?

All these questions will surely penetrate through my brain over the next couple of days. I just don't know how I will deal with it.

Did I make the right decision?

Or am I setting myself up for yet another disappointment?

The Unattainable Man

The story is as old as time. There is a guy you think is hot, you flirt with the guy, but the guy, alas has no interest in you.. Making him the "Unattainable Man"

We've all had the one person we have like romantically, and for some reason unknown to us, the person doesn't reciprocate those feelings.

For me, because I have been in the dating realm for well over a decade, have had this happened to me many times. The latest boy to the receive this prestigous honor is the bartender I see every Monday when I go to my favorite bar for Karaoke. The guy is in a word "HOT". This man has beautiful eyes, he always wears a baseball cap-- which turns me on-- BIG TIME, and has this irresisitble smile that makes you want to rip off all of his clothes the second he even tries to smirk.

Of course, because he is a bartender, he flirts with everyone to get tip$. Its not uncommon for this man to give a smile and ask me how I am doing and crack the ocassional joke or two with me. He's really good at his job.

However, as much as I LOVE to get lost in the moment, the reality does set in, and I know he and I could never be. For reasons unknown to me, he will always be that Unattainalbe Man.

Perhaps in the future our hearts will finally connect. Until that time occurs, I will just have to live with the flirting antics that occur when I order my beer.

The Power of Love

Over the last 24 hours I have been thinking about how powerful the feeling love is. Even the Words "I Love You", have a huge association to them, that most people often get so lost in the phrase, that they forget the true meaning of the words.

Sure, we all know how to love our families, but do we really know how to convey that to them? Last night, for the first time, I realized just how you do that.

Last night was the airing of the episode of the Extreme Makeover Home Edition show that featured my best friend's family. If you already my blog "A Major Dream Come True", then you already know how incredible my friend's family truly is.

Being privledged enough last night to actually watch this show with them was an incredible experience for me. For many years, I have been an honory member of their family, and have experienced the warmth and love that each person in my friend's family has toward each other, and how much they have expressed that to me.

I can't even begin to put into words the amount of love her entire family demonstrates toward each other. Its a pretty amazing experience to be a part of. Her nephews, neice, Sisters, Mother and Father all have this way of conveying love, that never seems to get expressed within my own family.

These people are in a word "incredible". The way in which they have overcome the aversity they faced is nothing less than astounding. And I am sure and know, it was no small feat to accomplish. However, through the dedication they contain for each other has helped make their path past the rain much smoother, and I feel has taught us all about the Power Of Love